This Is It...

Just like that, it’s winter. Seasons tend to change so quickly when you’re an adult, no matter where you are in your life. I can certainly attest that it seems to move so much faster when you become a parent, spending your days caring for your children. You go from being pregnant to changing diapers, to sitting up and then walking. Each milestone comes and goes and then all of a sudden you have these memories behind you and you can’t seem to catch up. I wasn’t planning on writing tonight, but then again, these entries tend to craft themselves no matter what plans I had prior. I stood in my living room, the house quiet and mostly dark, except for a few lights I leave on for Jon, when he arrives home late from a work run. The world feels still. I don’t have the TV playing Disney. The baby is sound asleep not needing to be fed, soothed or changed. My house is clean, ready for the next morning and all of a sudden I find myself standing dead center in the middle of my living room, looking up at my mantel. Pictures of my last 5 years, staring back at me. Then I turn my attention to my Christmas tree, unplugged and dark but still twinkling from the light coming from the kitchen. It’s almost Christmas and I have a three year old and now a 5 month old.

Time has an interesting way of creeping up on us. As I gaze out the window to the snow, softly falling, I can’t help but compare the two. One minute you blink and the snow has stopped, it’s the same with time. I blinked and I’m 23 with two kids and a husband.  

With the Christmas season here, especially celebrating in our first home, I can’t help but try to slow the time down a little. I have such wonderful memories of the lights, the Christmas tree, holiday food and music. Sharing all my favorite traditions with my own family has been the most special and meaningful thing to me. Jon and I recently had a moment together, where we couldn’t believe that this life was ours and we we’re blessed enough to be together, living it out.

Most of the time, when I sit down to write out an entry, I have no clue what on earth my point is and it always ends up coming to light by the end. Tonight, as I sit with you, I’m trying to get perspective. One of the only ways I know how, which is to write it out and share my feelings to all of you. This life moves so quickly, and each day I have a moment where I want to skip it and move past. The crying fit because Hallie is exhausted from the day and I just a have to get her to bed. The times spent alone, waiting for my husband to come home. The tired mornings that I wish I could skip this new workout crap I started and just be lazy for once. But the thing is; I’m coming to realize, that we don’t have any extra time to skip over the not-so-pleasant moments, because everything we do, everything that bugs us and everything we love, it all runs together in this thing called life. We don’t have any moments to waste, because they go away far too quickly.

With Christmas season here, I encourage you to all slow down and breathe in what makes you happy. Put your phones down, turn down the noise of the day and take a good look around you, This precious time will be gone soon, just as these moments that will soon fade to memories. 

Hallie doing some traditional cookie fun! 

Winter is here! A shot from this morning
out my kitchen window.

Marriage

A blinking curser is how these entries always begin. Sitting down when the house has been closed down for the night and both my babies are breathing slowly, soundly. The house is quiet and all I can hear is my own fingers, typing beneath me.

            

My husband drives a truck for a living and most of his hours are spent at night, driving a big rig down what seems like an endless road. Yellow and white lines surrounded by dark pavement and even darker sky. I often find myself sitting here in bed, feeling a bit guilty as he’s off providing for us and I’m here, in our warm bed. I pray for him, think of him and try my best to care for him when he’s here, home with us. For many of you who’ve known me personally, it wasn’t that many years ago that Jon and I were in high-school, labeled as young teenagers in love, now, we’re trekking through this life together, in a journey that I’m sure was destined to be ours.

            

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about my marriage and my relationship with Jon. It’s been 8 years since I’ve loved this guy. We’ve learned so much about each other and in return learned a lot about ourselves. It began so juvenile and fun and somewhere in between sped up and became real and full of responsibility. These many nights that I spend by-myself, I often think of the early days and though they are sure to bring a smile, a sigh usually isn’t far behind. Oh, the simple days. They came and went so quickly for us, mostly because of the decisions we made. At a time where many of my friends were in college and dating around, Jon and I were settling down and becoming parents. It’s easy to get frustrated but I usually come to terms when I think of our Hallie. Our first born that has added so much life and love in to our hearts and lives.

            

The thing about becoming parents so young is our relationship didn’t get the time that many do. We obviously had the fun stage where we went to movies and made out in the back. (Sorry Dad) We had the serious stage where we had been together for a couple years and we got to talk about all the what-ifs. We even had a year to be in college and be ‘free.’ Driving around our old cars and staying up way too late. But somewhere in that stage it ended with a pregnancy and a real quick ‘I do.’

           

Now that I’ve had some time to really look back on all of our ‘stages’ and live in this stage that we’re in now, for a while, I have some truths that I’ve found.

            

This marriage thing isn’t for the weak. Ever notice that the fairy tales always end at the wedding part? Yeah, that isn’t a coincidence my friends. I say this jokingly because even though marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done it’s also one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. Marriage takes work; it takes dedication and deep breathes. I don’t know about you but I really hate confrontation. Though, I’ve learned that it’s a necessity in a marriage. Stay with me here, I promise I’m getting to my point.

In this marriage journey that Jon and I have been on together, we’ve fought so many times I can’t even count. But we’ve always forgiven each other and moved on, moved forward. Jon’s no perfect man for sure (ha!) and I’m no perfect woman, but somewhere between the two of us we’ve found a balance. We’ve found a safe place with each other that we always come back to whenever we fight. Without a confrontation or messy fight that caused some pain and tears, I don’t think we would ever recognize that balance we create by being together and by being a team in this sport called life. So in this stage of parent-hood, I feel pretty confident that we’ll make it through alright. We’ll be weathered and we’ll be tired but I know that we’ll be together.

            

So even though we ducked out of the more juvenile stages a little early and they didn’t last as long as I would have chosen, it doesn’t mean it was the end for us. I think it’s actually the opposite. It was the beginning of us. It was the beginning of this rewarding journey of perseverance and love. I’m sure with time there will be a lot more lonely nights, fights and arguments, but with that comes the good stuff too. The laughter, the memories and a life-time spent working toward loving each other more than we did yesterday.

Back in the younger care-free years

Us Now <3 

Finding The Joy in the Mess

Honestly, how can you say no to
 picking up this sweet boy? 

            It’s a relaxing Saturday afternoon over here in the country. With the steady hum of my neighbor mowing his lawn and both my kids napping, I decided it was a perfect time to sit down and take a moment to be with my blog. Moments like this happen few and far between, as my kids are growing and changing, their needs are growing and changing as well, which means my needs tend to hit the back burner. I’m adjusting to this new-found sacrifice. When you become a Mother, you quickly realize how much of you, ends up going to your kids, it’s been such an interesting and telling experience for me as I’ve transitioned to two. Whereas before finding a couple moments to myself were almost a guarantee, now, I can go a couple days without really finding a moment to catch my breath. Both kids are on their own schedules, and it’s up to me to find a balance.

           

As many of you know now, when I sit down to craft a blog, I never really know what’s going to spill out on to the page. It’s an interesting way of finding what’s been stewing inside me, but nevertheless, It always ends up being some sort of awakening in this journey I’m on. Lately, my struggles have been finding a balance between routine and life. They go hand in hand, for a person like me. I’m the type of person who opens up the notes app on their iPhone just to write out the ‘perfect’ schedule for BOTH my 3 month old and 3 year old. I always end up finding it months later, chuckling at its inaccuracy. As if my child sits down at exactly 8:30am to eat a hearty breakfast before we run a bunch of efficient errands. The idea is so nice. The reality is that I give my kid a granola bar and a juice box because that’s all she will eat and run around between the time of 8am-11am trying to get ready, stopping every  5 minutes to help someone pee or change a diaper. This season of my life is so hectic and though routine is a nice thought, it always ends up becoming less of a routine and more of an ‘idea.’  Some nights I collapse on the couch at 10pm and wonder where the 8pm bedtime I created in my head went. I end up feeling defeated and almost label the day as a failure.

But hold up.

Yes, I created this routine and it would be so nice if my 3 year old napped within the right times and the baby ate every 3 hours like he’s supposed to. But that’s now how it is. That’s not life. Life is; waking up to a toddler at 5am telling you she’s hungry. Life is; picking up the baby instead of blow-drying your hair, because he doesn’t care if your hair looks good, he just wants his mama. Life is; letting your baby girl nap at 5pm, even though you know she isn’t going to want to sleep at a reasonable time tonight. It’s messy. It’s not perfect. It doesn’t fit in to a perfect itinerary, like I think it should.

For me, a routine is a great thing but as I’ve learned in this season of my life, it shouldn’t be everything. It shouldn’t make me angry or resentful if it doesn’t happen the way I thought it should.  

My kids are growing and changing which means I need to be doing the same. This is their childhood and how hurt I would be if I realized they thought of me as this uptight Mother who constricted their days, in to a make-believe routine that couldn’t be broken. Even though I’ve had some difficult days and even more difficult nights with kids that won’t sleep, I’ve learned that sometimes in the middle of the mess, memories are born and bonds are strengthened. 

So as the afternoon turns to evening and my Hallie bug wakes up from her super long, late in the day, nap, I will greet her with a hug and ask her what Disney movie she wants to watch tonight. Because life can be so beautiful if we just learn to let things go and find the joy in midst of the mess. 

A napping Hallie <3

"You're goin' to miss this"

            As many of you know by now, this blog has evolved quite a bit, since I started almost 4 years ago. Each entry represents a part of my journey, my thoughts as I was going through it and my revelations along the way. The beauty of it for me is that I get to document and share so much of what goes on in this heart of mine and usually by the end of each entry, I have a better idea of who I am. Identity is really important when you’re a Mom, because it’s really easy to lose who you are. It’s not so much, losing who you are, but getting to know the person you become as you evolve with your life and the path it takes you.

            

As I grow to be a Mother, I’m finding the true difficulty that comes with giving all that you are to your children and their well-being. We love these little beings so much, but sometimes we hate what happens to us when they test us; at least that’s been my struggle as Hallie finds new ways to test my patience daily. The third-year of her life, has thus far, been the most difficult for me. Her curious ways and strong-willed nature has me going all day long. By the end of the day, and some-days the end of the day stretches way past the time it should, I collapse in defeat and realize I hate who I was all day long. The sharp tone to my voice as I tell her to stop what she’s doing or the way I stomp around picking up all the toys she just spewed all over the place. Some days I’m down right embarrassed at how crazy she makes me, but then again, maybe I’m not the only one?

            

This is tough for me to write, because I’m exposing the part of me that I hate most. It’s a work in progress, and with this blog, I intend to lay it all out in hope to get better.

When I got the idea to start up this entry, I told myself I needed some reminders to think of when she tests me. 

Here’s what I came up with:

1.     There will be a day when she doesn’t come walking in to my room with her blankie wrapped around her head, whispering if she can come cuddle until morning.

2.      There will be a day that she will eat all of the food on her plate, and ask for seconds.

3.      There will be a day that mickey mouse and puzzle pieces (that I step on all day long) is replaced with an iphone or whatever new age device that exists!

4.      There will be a day that she doesn’t splash water all over the bathroom, playing dolls until the water is cold.

5.      There will be a day that she doesn’t ask me to play with her anymore, where she’d rather play with her friends.

These are all things that in the moment, drive me nuts, but writing them all out is making me cry because I don’t want them to ever go away.

So here it is, the thing that I needed to remind myself of most: Don’t be so quick to get sharp with her and when you feel defeated and frustrated, refer back to these reminders, because this time is so short and these things that in the moment cause me to get frustrated and possibly even get angry, they aren't just reminders, they're memories. 

Change

It’s not often I find myself, still and quiet, searching for words to craft in this trusty blog of mine. The bustle of life seems to have gotten the best of me, but tonight, I found myself thoughtful and quiet. Both kids went down for bed with ease and as I sat in our quiet house, my mind began to wander and go back to a familiar state that doesn’t involve sippy cups, Disney movies & grocery lists. I was left to myself and just like that, I found serenity in a quick phone-call with a friend and thoughtfulness that doesn’t come often.

Mother-hood, I’m finding, can be daunting. Daunting isn’t meant to be a negative word in this sense, just difficult. I spend my days in the midst of a routine that’s constantly changing (figure that one out) and as soon as I think I have one thing figured out, another problem awaits my attention. I find so much of my day is dedicated to the ones I love, that I get left for last. I am okay with this, as this is what the early stages of Mother-hood are all about; sacrifice. But evenings like this, where I somehow find my way back to myself, I’m left to lots of self-reflecting and on occasion (like tonight) I get to spend time with myself and that’s everything. Every-time I have nights like these, I find a new person underneath. One who’s changing, growing and evolving with time; which brings me to my topic of this blog, change.

Change; it’s inevitable. Life changes on a dime and we’re left to manage what’s left, each and every time. But are we? I feel like I’m the Queen of change. After landing myself pregnant, married, mother of 1 and then 2, all in three years, yep, I know all about change. I can’t say I’m this wise person that has something to offer whoever’s reading this. I’m just like the rest of you, trying to manage my days the best I know how. But one thing I feel that’s so important to share about the personal experiences I’ve held, is that without a constant in this life that changes so quickly, what do we have? Something that keeps up grounded, when the ground literally shakes. A reminder of what’s important when we’re searching for purpose. And a safe place to visit when nothing around us feels safe. 

I can’t say that I have all the answers but something that’s reigned true each and every time those things happen in my life, is the un-denying peace and order that trusting God and his plan brings to my days. The radiating joy that I felt when I realized that God hand-picked a friend and placed them directly in my path, exactly when I needed one. The peace I feel, when I know there really isn’t a reason to be feeling peace in this chaotic moment. The unexpected order He brings in such a disorganized, string of events. 

I’m not a preacher; I’m not someone who normally would shove their beliefs on to another. I simply just want to share the truth I’ve come to know that’s become the solid foundation of my life. It brings tears to my eyes to finally put in to words what makes this life so beautiful for me. Change isn’t ever expected, but I’ve come to appreciate what it reminds me of, the constant that brings order to this crazy thing called, Life. 

Placing 'Evening' First

            It feels just short of a miracle that I’m able to sit down with the blog tonight. The house is quiet, both kids are sleeping and I’m taking some much needed time to myself. I haven’t been a Mom of two for very long but it feels really great to say that I’m getting the hang of this! It really has been a whirl-wind three weeks, as I realize that just three weeks ago, I was in the hospital, laboring through what was the most difficult, but one of most beautiful days of my life. Cole has been a part of our lives for just 21 days and now I wonder what life was like before. Obviously I remember the day to day differences, but what I mean is, my heart and soul and the true dynamic of our family has changed so much, I can’t imagine it being any different. We’re so happy and we feel completed.

            

After what seemed like a very short time in the hospital, coming home, I realized I was venturing in to uncharted waters and our routine was going to be shaken to its core. Jon went back to work and here I was, sleep deprived, struggling through hormonal emotions and trying so hard to be patient to find our new normal. Tonight as I sit with you, the dishwasher humming and the beautiful peace and quiet that surrounds my home, I feel as if just a few weeks later, we may have arrived.

           

I thrive in an organized, peaceful, environment. So when things get shaken, even when I know it’s coming, I brace myself for them. A few times, as the chaos and unfamiliarity was ripping through my home and my routine, I found myself trying to center myself and really dig deep for feelings that this was OK. I’d say, “Mallory, not everything has to be perfect all the time, just relax, this is ok!”

           

In the midst of one of my personal pep-talks, I fell upon this devotional entry on my bible app. It talked about how we live in a culture where we work all day, and then eventually we might take time to rest in the evening. But this isn’t how God designed us to function. God wants us to order our days with rest as a priority and place our ‘evening’ first. To make time to rest, recharge and refocus, before we take on the day. It really hit me that it’s important to slow down and take time to rest. With all my newfound responsibilities as a Mother of now two kids, it can be almost funny that I’m expected to stop and rest, but it occurred to me that it’s no good for me or either of my babies if I’m stressed, overworked and exhausted.

           

I admit that I’m naturally hard-wired to get up and go, go, go until it’s all done. The problem with that, is when you’re a Mom, the tasks never seem to be completed. Each thing leads to the next and if you don’t put rest first, you’ll never find it. I’m so thankful I fell on that devotional because now I realize why I had such an inner conflict before. I was fighting between myself and what God was trying to tell me. Slow it down, relax and rest. It’s important.

I’m sure this isn’t the last lesson I’ll have as I learn to be a Mother of two, I’m quickly gaining so much respect for my own Mother and every other parent out there that has done this before me. Though this is the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done, it is the most rewarding. 

Cole Roy

            With the relaxing hum of the air conditioner and the smooth glide of my new (used) glider, I feel ready to craft a new and final blog. I say final blog because I imagine this baby that’s been growing in my body for now close to 9 full-months has grown strong enough to make his way out in the ‘real’ world, where he can start on his own little journey called life, and I won’t have time to blog before or after he arrives for a while. This blog has served so many purposes for me in the past, as most of you have followed right along with me and maybe by now know that I always put a little (okay maybe a lot) of pressure on each entry. This entry is a big one though, because it’s the last page in a chapter I’ve been sharing for 3 years. I’ve been on this journey called, ‘Motherhood’ for a while now and I’m about to shake things up by adding another piece to my journey. Another child! What a privilege. What an exciting thing to be able to say, that I am blessed enough to be able to care for another little baby from the time he enters this world, until the time I leave it. I don’t take it lightly and now that I’ve seen the marvel, the difficulty and the gift that being a Mother truly is, I take it a little more seriously than I did with my first. Live and learn, right?

            So, I am now 10 days or less from his arrival date, and as much as I’ve physically and emotionally struggled through this pregnancy, I’m taking a moment to breathe. Breathe through my swollen feet and intrudingly large belly, and just breathe in this life I lead. There are a lot of special things that take place when a child enters the world. People join together, people bond; the world slows down a bit and then speeds up somewhere in between. When I brought my Hallie home from the hospital, the peaceful days following, that I spent holding her and getting to know her were telling for me. Our families came together in a way that I still can’t fully explain and it never really stopped. I smile at the idea of what another baby will bring to our family.

            So as things unwind and I prepare for the birth of our second child, I’m remembering to breathe. Breathe in the moments before our lives shift and change and I’m trying to remember to savor the days for what they are, in all their imperfections and discomfort. For everyone that has been there for me in the last 9 months and will continue to be in the upcoming chapter of my journey, thank you! You make my life so special and you all ground me in ways that shape me in to being a better Mother for my Hallie and my soon to be Son, Cole.

            As this chapter comes to a close, my house is quiet and my bags are packed. As my eyes scan the room, I can’t help but imagine the difference that will usher its way in, as we bring another life in to our cozy little home. So as I wait, imagine and try to mentally prepare for the labor of bringing him in to this world, I’ll try my best to be patient. Until then, I’m out as Mallory, mother of one!! 

Thought I'd share a memory from the first few moments with Hallie Grace. 7/6/14

Laying It All Out

            Sitting down with you tonight, I don’t quite know what will become of this entry. It’s been about a month since I’ve even thought to sit down and sift through the words of my heart, but I know that its time. It’s a rainy evening over here; Hallie is in the other room playing ‘dollies’ and Jon has taken off yet again on another late night work run. I’ve become accustomed to quiet nights at home, sometimes I get lost in a T.V show and others I busy myself with daily chores. But tonight, I feel the need to dig a little deeper. 

I’ve struggled with feelings of isolation before, in fact, I’ve dedicated past blog entries to the dreadful feeling. It’s something I don’t think any parent really conquers and only with the shift of time does it work itself out. I know I have a long ways to go, with the reset button about to be pushed with the arrival of our son in just a couple short months. But I still can’t help but ask myself from time to time, what about me? I’m not looking for pity; please don’t see it that way. Obviously I’m a Mother and a Wife and my family and these children we’ve chosen to raise up and love are priority. I want this. But I want other things too. Sometimes I find myself sitting on the couch, mindlessly watching a show or folding laundry and I feel a heavy sigh working itself up from my belly, all the way out. It roots from the lack of stimulation and lack of activity in my brain. I chuckle as I write this because anyone who’s spent day after day with a small child can relate to wanting to roll their eyes at the thought of one more paw patrol episode or the hourly argument about using the potty. I don’t hate this part of my life and I don’t mean to complain. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around how I’m supposed to handle everything this stage has to throw at me, while maintaining a sense of self.

 I miss routine, I miss working, and I even miss the feeling of wanting to go home after a long day. I’m well aware that this is a stage and it will pass. I’m sure I will miss these moments as much as I miss the old routine of my life. Anyone who knows me, knows that with each section of my life, my biggest goal is to live it fully and intentionally; which is why I search so hard to correct this feeling of isolation, because I want to be here and be present in this difficult part of motherhood.

These are all raw feelings and I’m leaving them all out in the open for everyone to see. I don’t know why I do this, sometimes when I push the ‘publish’ button after writing a blog full of open wounds not healed yet; I can’t believe I’m doing it. I think the reason behind my risk of sharing such feelings are not to complain or expose to much of myself, but to share that it’s okay to not pretend that everything is perfect. It’s become too normal to only share the good pictures and memories of our lives. I’m afraid we don’t learn from those. It’s the raw emotion and imperfections that can stir up what needs to be, inside of us.

           

With July coming quickly and the excitement of a new arrival to our growing family, my hope is that I can work through this isolation when it hits me the hardest and feel peace in the simple days that are my life right now. My prayer is that even with all these open wounds, God makes it blatantly obvious the direction and stimulation my heart is seeking. Until next time…

Putting Down Roots

I sit here with you, belly full of warm coffee and my sweet and spicy little toddler to my right. Even with all the changes we’ve put her through lately, we’ve managed to keep her morning routine pretty regular, which has come full circle as we sit with you in our new living room, with the familiar sound of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and her sipping away at orange juice. It’s a surreal feeling to be rocking away in our recliner with the keyboard at my fingertips, feeling content as can be, with so much still to be done. I’ve decided to savor every moment I can, as we enter this new chapter of our Journey, and I can tell I’m growing in the right direction by the feeling of complete peace as I write this out today. Not that long ago, I would have woke up and scribbled out a list of things I need to accomplish today and really lost the joy of this simple, fresh start in our new house. I’ve learned to really relish in the moment and I can tell what God means by telling us to, “Be Still.” You learn so much about yourself and what can become of a simple moment and that it can so easily turn in to a special one. This morning as we do our normal routine, I sat there and sipped my coffee and searched within myself, the root of where this peace was spilling from. I realized for the first time since I was a kid, I was able to feel that sense of ‘home’ and know that my roots could settle in without the uncertainty that they could be ripped from their home. It’s been five years that I’ve been on this adventure to find my new home as an adult and to finally know that I’m here and without hesitancy I can put my roots down in and let them grow, is a wonderful feeling. 

            

Ever since I could remember I was a ‘home body.’ I was the kid at camp that struggled to get out of the van because I knew the comfort of my parents was leaving for a week. I was the kid that only had a couple really close friends that I stayed the night with, because they too, became my home.  Since I was a child, I have found peace, joy and comfort in the familiar things in life that don’t change, and I realize now that a part of me has struggled since I left home to start the adult chapter of my life.

So as I get up and start my first ‘routine’ day and slowly settle the house, I can finally say with certainty that I’ve made it. With the help of my hard-working husband, the firm direction of God leading the way and the many people that supported us along the way, we made it to our resting place, where we can learn, grow, love and make a lifetime worth of memories. 

Simple, slow mornings are the best. 

Raw Confessions

It’s a bright and sunny morning as I sit with you; I haven’t had a still moment like this in a while, where it’s just my toddler and I doing our thing together. While I stay busy, Hallie does her usual, which at the moment is playing with a big spread of play-doh. Since we’ve been staying with my parents, our routine has been shaken to the core and we’ve been struggling with the transition period. With Jon out of work for the past three weeks and all the other change, it was a tough time to say the very least. With our final walk through of our new home scheduled for this Sunday and the closing Monday, it seems we have finally made it to the end. I can’t say it was an extremely enjoyable time; I’ve never been one that thrived in an environment of change and when you’re in the midst of a change this big, throw in a major event like a potential job loss and it’s enough to really mess with you! Before my life takes off, I thought it would be beneficial to sit with the blog one last time. If I know myself well enough, I can’t really unwind and write if my entire house isn’t settled, so in light of not rushing myself, It will be a bit till I’ll write again.

When I go through any span of time that’s been difficult or life changing, I always feel it necessary to find the lesson I can pick from it. That way, I can lay my head down at night and know it wasn’t all for nothing. With the past 5 weeks being a tough time, doused in stress and prayer, I can now say, I can truly appreciate a couple things that I took for granted not so long ago.

1.      My husband and his job. This man that I share my life with, he’s there every day. He helps raise our daughter, he accompanies us to the store and he provides us with so much. But after a while, it’s easy to forget all that he truly does and sacrifice. Sure, my life is full of sacrifices too, but so is his. He works tirelessly at a job day in and day out and never complains. He searches for the joy within his day and he supports us in ways that make our life so comfortable. He is our provider and keeper. Take his job away and the stability it holds, we face major hardship and our foundation shakes. I now see his daily hard work in a new light and I’ll work so hard at keeping this perspective fresh.

2.      My life at home with my kids. How many thoughts have I allowed to enter my brain of how I wish I had a full-time job or how I wish I could just have an afternoon to myself where I didn’t have to arrange a sitter. The thoughts are there people and they can be toxic for your attitude. I saw the beauty in a simple routine at home with my daughter when I was yanked out of it so swiftly. She thrives at home, I see that now. She needs stability and so do I.

3.      A household to maintain. How many times have I muttered about the constant crumbs on my kitchen floor? Or sighed in frustration about the endless string of toys and clothes that need putting away? Or even the amount of time I spend tirelessly in the kitchen, meal planning, cooking, and cleaning? Take that all away in one night and you may think it would be heaven. After a week of this, you’ll miss your space. You’ll miss your routine of maintaining this house that you work tirelessly to keep. It’s an interesting thought and some may not agree, but my experience was just this. The home that is so much work to keep day in and day out, is worth it. It’s my life right now, and without it, half of my job becomes uprooted and a void develops.

These three simple reminders have given me such clarity as I move forward in this new chapter of life; a new house, new memories and a fresh new perspective to take on my first days under the roof of our new home. I can’t wait to dig in and start the frenzy that is sure to come with moving in, but before I do, I’m taking a deep breath and breathing in the peace and quiet. Even though this past month or so that we stayed here at my parents was full of stress, frustration and feelings difficult for me to understand, I can now say that this whole stay was worth it. It wasn’t just a safe place to rest our heads and count down until we have our new home. It was a period of time that grew me in more ways than one. It chiseled away pieces of me that I needed to shed and humbled me in areas of my life that desperately needed it. Now, it’s time to move forward.

There is something so exciting and final about the SOLD sign! 

Growing Pains

            It’s been a long time since I’ve given myself a chance to sit and lay out the whirlwind of my life down on a piece of paper. This entry has been crafting itself within my heart for a couple weeks now and it feels good to be able to sit down and finally lay it all out.

            

          About 3 weeks ago we packed up our little rental house on county route 12 and moved most of our belongings in to a 10 x 10 storage unit. As we closed the door to our unit seeing most of our things stacked and packed in to a dark pile, I remember silently whispering to myself, “Here we go...” This whole situation was a big leap of faith. As explained in my last post, after finding out we needed to move from our rental, we were at a loss of what to do. Shortly after, we ended up finding a house down the road that seemed to be a perfect fit for our growing family. Since January we have been in the process of purchasing the house and now are days away from closing. In the beginning of February, we began staying with my parents as a temporary resting place until the paperwork was official and we could officially call the new place, ours.

            

               It was a Thursday morning, one week in to our stay at my parents. Jon was traveling for work, and Hallie and I were trying to settle in to a routine of our own. It was one of those moments that you hear about that can change your life. It changes your mindset, your perspective on everything and shakes you from within. I received a phone call from my husband that he had been in an accident. All I heard from the other line was my shaken husband, telling me he was okay, but he was terrified that this accident could end his career.

           

                  As reality set in, the true meaning of this incident set in. What if Jon loses his job? What if the bank ducks out and we’re dropped at square one with a 2 year old and a child on the way. I’m a practical thinker and the realistic, terrifying ‘what ifs’ were eating me alive. I tried to focus on the fact he was safe and healthy and I prayed to God that we would be taken care of and his job would be spared.

            

                 Three, painfully slow, weeks dragged by as we waited with his career in the balance. As this was an accident with a big corporation, there were necessary legal steps that needed to be taken and they held him at suspension until a conclusion was come to that he could either come back to work or be let go to find work elsewhere.

           

                 I can’t even begin to explain the angst I felt as each day passed and no news had come our way. It was a test on our relationship. It was a test on my patience as our life was already flipped upside down because of our current limbo stage, and most importantly it was a test on my faith. There was a moment I had where I was asked a serious question, “Do you trust that God will take care of you?” I immediately said, “Yes!” Though, immediately after, the true question followed, “Why are you so worried, then?”

          

        God was teaching us an important lesson, and I knew it. When you’re in the midst of a lesson like that, it’s really hard to trust that whatever the outcome is, you’ll be okay with. I fought with my anxiety every step of the way, but always seemed to come- full circle as I would bow my head trying to search for peace and rest. Throughout those three weeks of waiting, I had some pretty raw conversations with our Lord, and it brings tears to my eyes being able to say I made it to the end of this mess with a better understanding what this life is really about.

We are given no promises. We are given no guarantees that when life is going good, it will keep down that path. God taught me the importance of being still and waiting for His answer. God taught me how important a solid support system, praying for you and holding you steady, can be in the rocky times of life. God taught me to search for the blessings within each day, even if you have to look really hard. He taught me that He is good, all the time.

Three weeks to the day of his accident, we received the news of a lifetime, that his job was spared and he was welcomed back with open arms to start back to work.

I sit with you here, with my coffee hot and my heart as open as it’s ever been, and I’m so thankful to be sharing this news with all of you. I’m so grateful for this blog that gives me a platform to lay all of this out and see it as another chapter to my Journey, as he molds me and shapes me in to whoever I’ll become.

We are now days away from our closing day and soon our life will take off and we will settle in to our new home and I can begin nesting for our baby BOY, Luke, to be born this July. These past three weeks have been a test on many levels, but I can now say, that I can walk forward with a new sense of gratitude. I recently heard my Dad talking to a friend of his and he used the phrase, 'growing pains' to explain what we were going through. So that's where I'll end this, that even though things can be painful and hard, they are necessary to make us grow. 

xoxo

Just thought I'd share the beauty of Spring! Love to see all that snow melting :) 

Peace, Serenity & Chaos

            I sit with you in attempt to find a little blip of peace, quiet and serenity. This blog serves many purposes for me but one of them is the ability to lose myself in my writing. I always come away refreshed, with a new perspective and usually a clearer picture of what lies in front of me. Oh and did I mention an excuse to drink a whole cup of coffee, uninterrupted?

          

  As mentioned in the last entry, we are well on our way to moving in to our forever home; which as enticing and dreamy as that sounds, the details really weigh it down. As an organized, routine crazed junky, this is the most overwhelmed I think I’ve ever felt. There is constant list scribbling, frantic eyes moving around my once very put-together house and lots of deep breathes.

          

  With this being our last week in the old home, things have been out of the ordinary and as much as I’d like to say to all of you, how spontaneous and adventurous I am, well that’s not the case. I’m coming clean. I’m a wreck! I don’t flourish in situations like this and I really just want to hermit in to a corner until it’s all done. I’ve been trying to find a sense of self in this lack of self, I’ve discovered. I think I have.

           

When I’m at my weakest and I feel like running away, I pause. I take a moment and breathe and then I ask for strength. I ask God to give me strength to get through this tantrum Hallie’s throwing, strength to dig deep for patience and compassion to better understand what this might be like for her, and strength to laugh about the things that go wrong.

           

I think the most important thing I’ve taken from this chaotic time, is the importance of peace. Allowing myself to retreat in a moment and search for His strong voice. You hear it all while you grow up, how important it is to have a ‘quiet time’ and for young minds and busy hands it can be difficult. But, we need to center ourselves and find the peace He represents. In that, is the only time we’ll hear what He’s trying to tell us. I can speak for only myself here but I’ve found so much clarity in those peaceful moments.

            

So, with all that being said, this time in my life isn’t even remotely over and I’ll have many months to come, in trying to settle our lives down before our 2^nd baby arrives this summer. But I have hope in my Journey, that with each lesson and prayer, it comes together a little bit more, and by the end it, what a masterpiece it will be. 

One of the Beautiful sites of moving...stacks of boxes that need to be moved. 

It's Home.

I sit with you this evening with a joyful spirit, a full heart, and a very full glass of apple juice. 

I am now officially in my 2^nd Trimester for this pregnancy and I have to say the cravings are in full force this time around! This blog isn’t much about the pregnancy, as it’s been wonderfully uneventful. Due to past losses, I am grateful for each day that passes that I crave very specific juice flavors and almost forget that I carry another life within me, as I chase my lively toddler around. The lack of ‘excitement’ comforts me in knowing, there is a sweet life nestled inside me, growing each day. The giant belly that offsets my balance is looming in the near future, but for now I savor each day, as they are very special; growing a new life and new addition to our family.

As I bring up new growth I must bring up the exciting fact, we’ve bought a home! If you told me even 2 weeks ago that this happened, I wouldn’t believe you. But that’s the interesting thing about God. He is the ultimate provider, and even when you don’t know what you need or how on earth God could make something happen for you, He shows you He can do it.

I’ve grown a lot in my relationship with the Lord in the last year. I’ve always claimed I believed but I never felt the pure and raw emotion I always saw in others as they worshiped or spoke of their experiences. I never knew how to reach it or even how to go about finding it. I began a prayer journal over a year ago and as I’ve mentioned in past posts, it’s helped me a lot. It’s shown me the faithfulness that God so subtly sprinkles in and around my days. And as I realize now, all of those little prayers he answered for me, was preparing me for the ultimate demonstration of love in my life thus far. To take this relationship I’ve had growing for the Lord, to a level of trust I’d never had in Him. I’d heard about, but never felt for myself.

***

It was a gloomy day, my daughter had just gone down for a nap and I had just gotten off the phone with my Dad. We had a heart to heart about my current life situation. Jon and I were faced with another move. We didn’t want to leave the home we had been renting for the last year, but due to circumstances, it was necessary. I had been scouring the internet for apartments to rent but nothing seemed doable or appealing to move my growing family of almost 4 in to. I sat there staring out the window at the freezing rain and cried like I’ve never cried before. I felt hopeless. A home is a special place to me and to feel like I was faced with a task I didn’t know how to complete, I wept. I cried out to God for help. After a while, that was it. I picked myself up and went about day.  

I won’t get in to the entire story, because the details are long and I’d go on for days. But what I can say, is the next day we found ourselves with an opportunity to apply for a mortgage loan, a special loan that is only available for certain areas due to agricultural qualifications. So in other words, this house was one house that qualified for one specific loan that happened to be a perfect fit for my family. In the perfect location, the perfect price and the inside was as beautiful as the outside.  

We were approved almost instantly and two days later our offer was accepted.

I’ve had a couple days to digest this but as the details come together; each hurdle we face has been laid out before us and taken care of. God has orchestrated this entire thing and made sure I was taken care of and that is just; breath-taking. The turn of events I’ll never forget and I’ll base the rest of my life on trusting him and leading my family to learn of his true love and faithfulness. Every day as I pull up to my home and remember how we found it, it will be a living testament of how involved our God is and how much He cares for you and me.

What a gift.

xxoo

Mallory