Raw Confessions

It’s a bright and sunny morning as I sit with you; I haven’t had a still moment like this in a while, where it’s just my toddler and I doing our thing together. While I stay busy, Hallie does her usual, which at the moment is playing with a big spread of play-doh. Since we’ve been staying with my parents, our routine has been shaken to the core and we’ve been struggling with the transition period. With Jon out of work for the past three weeks and all the other change, it was a tough time to say the very least. With our final walk through of our new home scheduled for this Sunday and the closing Monday, it seems we have finally made it to the end. I can’t say it was an extremely enjoyable time; I’ve never been one that thrived in an environment of change and when you’re in the midst of a change this big, throw in a major event like a potential job loss and it’s enough to really mess with you! Before my life takes off, I thought it would be beneficial to sit with the blog one last time. If I know myself well enough, I can’t really unwind and write if my entire house isn’t settled, so in light of not rushing myself, It will be a bit till I’ll write again.

When I go through any span of time that’s been difficult or life changing, I always feel it necessary to find the lesson I can pick from it. That way, I can lay my head down at night and know it wasn’t all for nothing. With the past 5 weeks being a tough time, doused in stress and prayer, I can now say, I can truly appreciate a couple things that I took for granted not so long ago.

1.      My husband and his job. This man that I share my life with, he’s there every day. He helps raise our daughter, he accompanies us to the store and he provides us with so much. But after a while, it’s easy to forget all that he truly does and sacrifice. Sure, my life is full of sacrifices too, but so is his. He works tirelessly at a job day in and day out and never complains. He searches for the joy within his day and he supports us in ways that make our life so comfortable. He is our provider and keeper. Take his job away and the stability it holds, we face major hardship and our foundation shakes. I now see his daily hard work in a new light and I’ll work so hard at keeping this perspective fresh.

2.      My life at home with my kids. How many thoughts have I allowed to enter my brain of how I wish I had a full-time job or how I wish I could just have an afternoon to myself where I didn’t have to arrange a sitter. The thoughts are there people and they can be toxic for your attitude. I saw the beauty in a simple routine at home with my daughter when I was yanked out of it so swiftly. She thrives at home, I see that now. She needs stability and so do I.

3.      A household to maintain. How many times have I muttered about the constant crumbs on my kitchen floor? Or sighed in frustration about the endless string of toys and clothes that need putting away? Or even the amount of time I spend tirelessly in the kitchen, meal planning, cooking, and cleaning? Take that all away in one night and you may think it would be heaven. After a week of this, you’ll miss your space. You’ll miss your routine of maintaining this house that you work tirelessly to keep. It’s an interesting thought and some may not agree, but my experience was just this. The home that is so much work to keep day in and day out, is worth it. It’s my life right now, and without it, half of my job becomes uprooted and a void develops.

These three simple reminders have given me such clarity as I move forward in this new chapter of life; a new house, new memories and a fresh new perspective to take on my first days under the roof of our new home. I can’t wait to dig in and start the frenzy that is sure to come with moving in, but before I do, I’m taking a deep breath and breathing in the peace and quiet. Even though this past month or so that we stayed here at my parents was full of stress, frustration and feelings difficult for me to understand, I can now say that this whole stay was worth it. It wasn’t just a safe place to rest our heads and count down until we have our new home. It was a period of time that grew me in more ways than one. It chiseled away pieces of me that I needed to shed and humbled me in areas of my life that desperately needed it. Now, it’s time to move forward.

There is something so exciting and final about the SOLD sign! 

Growing Pains

            It’s been a long time since I’ve given myself a chance to sit and lay out the whirlwind of my life down on a piece of paper. This entry has been crafting itself within my heart for a couple weeks now and it feels good to be able to sit down and finally lay it all out.

            

          About 3 weeks ago we packed up our little rental house on county route 12 and moved most of our belongings in to a 10 x 10 storage unit. As we closed the door to our unit seeing most of our things stacked and packed in to a dark pile, I remember silently whispering to myself, “Here we go...” This whole situation was a big leap of faith. As explained in my last post, after finding out we needed to move from our rental, we were at a loss of what to do. Shortly after, we ended up finding a house down the road that seemed to be a perfect fit for our growing family. Since January we have been in the process of purchasing the house and now are days away from closing. In the beginning of February, we began staying with my parents as a temporary resting place until the paperwork was official and we could officially call the new place, ours.

            

               It was a Thursday morning, one week in to our stay at my parents. Jon was traveling for work, and Hallie and I were trying to settle in to a routine of our own. It was one of those moments that you hear about that can change your life. It changes your mindset, your perspective on everything and shakes you from within. I received a phone call from my husband that he had been in an accident. All I heard from the other line was my shaken husband, telling me he was okay, but he was terrified that this accident could end his career.

           

                  As reality set in, the true meaning of this incident set in. What if Jon loses his job? What if the bank ducks out and we’re dropped at square one with a 2 year old and a child on the way. I’m a practical thinker and the realistic, terrifying ‘what ifs’ were eating me alive. I tried to focus on the fact he was safe and healthy and I prayed to God that we would be taken care of and his job would be spared.

            

                 Three, painfully slow, weeks dragged by as we waited with his career in the balance. As this was an accident with a big corporation, there were necessary legal steps that needed to be taken and they held him at suspension until a conclusion was come to that he could either come back to work or be let go to find work elsewhere.

           

                 I can’t even begin to explain the angst I felt as each day passed and no news had come our way. It was a test on our relationship. It was a test on my patience as our life was already flipped upside down because of our current limbo stage, and most importantly it was a test on my faith. There was a moment I had where I was asked a serious question, “Do you trust that God will take care of you?” I immediately said, “Yes!” Though, immediately after, the true question followed, “Why are you so worried, then?”

          

        God was teaching us an important lesson, and I knew it. When you’re in the midst of a lesson like that, it’s really hard to trust that whatever the outcome is, you’ll be okay with. I fought with my anxiety every step of the way, but always seemed to come- full circle as I would bow my head trying to search for peace and rest. Throughout those three weeks of waiting, I had some pretty raw conversations with our Lord, and it brings tears to my eyes being able to say I made it to the end of this mess with a better understanding what this life is really about.

We are given no promises. We are given no guarantees that when life is going good, it will keep down that path. God taught me the importance of being still and waiting for His answer. God taught me how important a solid support system, praying for you and holding you steady, can be in the rocky times of life. God taught me to search for the blessings within each day, even if you have to look really hard. He taught me that He is good, all the time.

Three weeks to the day of his accident, we received the news of a lifetime, that his job was spared and he was welcomed back with open arms to start back to work.

I sit with you here, with my coffee hot and my heart as open as it’s ever been, and I’m so thankful to be sharing this news with all of you. I’m so grateful for this blog that gives me a platform to lay all of this out and see it as another chapter to my Journey, as he molds me and shapes me in to whoever I’ll become.

We are now days away from our closing day and soon our life will take off and we will settle in to our new home and I can begin nesting for our baby BOY, Luke, to be born this July. These past three weeks have been a test on many levels, but I can now say, that I can walk forward with a new sense of gratitude. I recently heard my Dad talking to a friend of his and he used the phrase, 'growing pains' to explain what we were going through. So that's where I'll end this, that even though things can be painful and hard, they are necessary to make us grow. 

xoxo

Just thought I'd share the beauty of Spring! Love to see all that snow melting :)