It's a hazy Sunday morning, my coffee is getting cold (what’s new), and I can feel the sun rising above the tree-line behind me. This cozy corner on my deck has become my favorite place to come too with a steaming hot cup of coffee, my bible and my life’s stressors. I always leave this space feeling renewed with a fresh perspective.
The space around me is quiet, the kids are inside playing and the only thing I can hear is the clacking of this keyboard and the humming of our hot tub ( which so rudely I can’t use until this baby comes out!) One of the many sacrifices a woman makes as she shares her body with her growing child. I chuckled as I wrote that because come on, what a first-world problem!
The biggest change as I've experienced my third pregnancy has been the depression. I never imagined I would find myself in this position but here I am, dealing with it as best I can. It started around week 8 when I went in for my very first OB appointment, to meet my new doctor and discuss the next 32 weeks. It became very apparent to me as she screened me with some routine questions that my mental health was taking a nosedive. I had two options. Ignore it and pretend that I’m okay (because let's be honest, it feels wrong to tell people we need help, especially when those around us can’t see the changes) or I tell this sweet doctor whom I had just met that I was feeling sad and I didn’t know why. I took a deep breath and looked at my husband (who didn’t really understand yet how bad I was feeling) and I told her the truth. She gave me some options and she said some really scary things- like if you think about hurting yourself or you start to feel really sad, call 911, call ME, call someone.
I left the appointment feeling pretty numb. Here I am- supposed to be over the moon that my baby has a heartbeat and things are on track for a healthy pregnancy and I just got prescribed an antidepressant and I had no earthly idea how my body was going to react to this new drug.
My experience the last 6 weeks has been hard, very hard. Many days I feel lonely as I’m home with the kids. Jon works a lot to support our growing family and I’ve had to learn to be okay by myself (and minus the depression I do pretty good) but add some mental health issues and a new medication in the mix; I was terrified. Mom’s don’t get the luxury of taking self-care days, we have to show up or our life crumbles pretty quickly. I am so thankful for my best friend, Micaela, who has talked to me every-day, checked in with me and let me vent, let my cry to her. I’ve pushed through every day, some days I feel good but some days I can’t seem to reach any further than the empty feeling that my brain just can’t seem to shake. I hate it. Depression is just such a mean, disruptive thief. It makes no sense.
I’m 14 weeks pregnant now and thankful that the meds seem to be kicking in. I still have rough days but they seem to only happen a couple days a week now. God has been teaching me more than ever in my 27 years that I need HIM. I need His promises. I need His truths. I need His hope that this isn't happening to me, it is happening FOR me. I know that seems crazy but I’m a firm believer that I have to be willing to live the story He’s writing for me so someday I can help someone who’s trying to do this without Him.
Today in my quiet time, He reminded me that even in the days where the sadness feels like a weight I can’t put down, that there is so much to be thankful for, and with that thankful spirit, is the hope we all desperately need. His blessings are everywhere, it's up to us to look for them.
I do not know how I’ll feel tomorrow, how I will handle the plans He has for me this Fall (as I start a new job) or even where I’ll be mentally, when this baby is born. It's fair to say that these anxieties are valid- but I refuse to let them go any further than my prayer journal. God promises that He is the one who arms me with the strength I need. Psalm 18:32-33 says It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to stand on the heights.
I have no answers, I am humbled by my struggles and my role as a Mother as I maneuver my life. I am okay with not knowing the answers because I’ve given my life to the one that does.
Stay Tuned **
