The End of this Journey

                I’m sitting up at my laptop, my screen illuminating the middle of my apartment. It’s rare I’m awake this late…usually the first chance I get, my tired head hits the pillow and I don’t rise until I hear the whimpers of my one year old in the next room over. For some reason tonight I lie awake, thoughtful. Instead of lying in my bed, tossing and turning, I ended up in front my laptop, scouring through old pictures I’ve backed up in to a folder onto my desktop. Pictures of days that seem so far away from this quiet, restless moment I’m living right now. Pictures that bring memories flooding back that make me wish I chose a different path. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to have these thoughts. I’ve held on to them for some time now and instead of harboring them and feeling ashamed of them, I’ve decided to come clean. These pictures show a thoughtful 19 year-old, daring her way through life, choosing the path that she knew could be risky but was oh so enchanting. I find myself thinking back to these days often, when I was free, had little to no responsibility other than myself and when I bring up the pictures that hold these memories so clear, I can’t help but carry my mind a little further on to what may have happened if I chose to not be so daring, not so risky. My mind usually comes to a halt, knowing that these thoughts are pointless. I chose a daring road that led to a one way street to adult-hood. My friends, it’s taken over a year to come to terms with my path and as I slowly pace my way down it, I graciously become more and more okay with the outcome. You see, it’s been a Journey. One that I am sure will lead to a completely different person that appears in those pictures I look at. I can feel her being reborn and the journey it’s taken to become this new woman, wife, mother that I am becoming is for sure the most difficult thing of all; A soul-searching journey that has led to this sleepless night and heart-felt blog. I feel that this blog may be coming to an end; it’s done its purpose. It’s allowed me to process this journey aloud, with such raw emotion that never could have been painted another way. I’m not sure of the woman I am yet, but I’m sure that I’m on my way to becoming her. I can look through these pictures knowing it’s okay to feel remorse for days I gave up. I can look ahead knowing that growth is a sure thing as long as you’re willing to mull over your past and admit when you are wrong. Life is about making mistakes as long as you’re willing to learn from them. I may not recognize myself these days as that thoughtful, daring 19 year old but I know that this person I’m growing in to is worth the journey it’s taken to get here.

A Mother's Mistake

            It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve been able to take some time to scribble out a blog, so this morning I come to you with a full mind, full heart, and of course…a full cup of coffee!!

            Life as I know it has changed since my little ball of energy began climbing. On chairs, toilet seats, on top of the couch, anything with an elevated surface sure to make my blood pressure rise. It’s been a whole new ball game since this milestone hit and it doesn’t leave me much time in the day to stray from watching over my risky 17 month old. This means simple tasks as doing the dishes and loading up the washing machine can prove to be a longer ordeal than I ever imagined! My patience has been tested to a whole new level and at times I can’t do anything but close my eyes and focus on breathing.

            I share this new found difficulty with you not to vent or complain but to share the lesson these trials brought forth. In the many moments in the past couple of weeks where I’ve regrettably raised my voice at this curious little toddler in training, I felt God get ahold of me in a startling way. He shifted my perspective and I truly believe he allowed me to see my perfectly crafted, Hallie Grace, fearfully and wonderfully made by the man himself. Not for a mischievous little annoyance but for a curious, innocent, and bright little joy that she is. I felt ashamed and I felt like a failure. How dare I raise my voice when she needs a loving touch in the right direction?

            One of my favorite things about being a Mom and venturing down this path of unknown mother-hood is the constant growth that comes along with it. If we just allow ourselves to take the challenges as they come graciously and look to God for a moment of peace when needed, we got this! 

  It's a frustrating business being a mom and it brings new challenges daily. I pray for all you woman out there struggling through this 24/7 job. If we choose to look to God in our weak moments, we're sure to conquer anything. 

xoxo

Mallory

Perfection isn't Always Perfect.

        It’s a beautiful late October afternoon over here in B-ville. It’s been an uneventful Monday but also a productive one. Hallie and I have just come in from a half hour outside, playing in the leaves and kicking her mini soccer ball around. Must have been the fresh air because I felt compelled to come over and blog about our recent events in this lovely life I’m lucky enough to live every day.

        I think it’s easy to get swept up in the idea that we don’t have enough. We don’t make enough money, we don’t have enough time to spend doing the things we like to do, and the list could go on. Something I find myself lucky to have discovered young is that if we base our wants and desires on a worldly standard we will never find satisfaction. After all, we’re flooded with examples all day long! As a married woman in a young marriage it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that we don’t have enough to make it in this materialistic world. We could dwell on the idea that we don’t have nearly enough money to purchase a house or another car or whatever seems to be a ‘need’ at the moment.

         

         Recently, Jon and I sat down at our little kitchen table and went over our bills together. My practical mind began whirring and I thought about everything that wasn’t lining up how I would like it. After we had finished putting the money where it counted we both sat there in silence. Jon looked up at me and smiled, “we’re doing alright,” he said. I was kind of shocked at the statement and the calm nature to his voice. I was in the middle of thinking viciously about how I could save more money, not how we were doing ‘alright’! Then, I stopped. I stopped thinking and I just looked at him and how calm he was sitting over there with his pen and paper.

   

       I’ve thought about that moment a lot since it happened and though it wasn’t a romantic dinner over lobster and wine, it was as special as any date could’ve turned out to be. My husband, my best friend and my life companion was standing so firm and confident in a time I really needed him to. A silent reminder that everything doesn’t need to be perfect or in order, that doing alright was enough!

   

       So as we venture through the upcoming seasons of this young life we’ve just begun, the practical, perfectionist side of me can take a break and let things roll out the way they should. I was reminded in recent morning devotion that God originally created us to need rest. In fact, crave rest. So as I slowly master this mom/wife/adult thing, I should remember that rushing around trying to perfect everything is a waste. God has already perfected it.

Thought I would add a little memory from this afternoon. :)

A Quiet Time like No Other

I’m sitting down with you with yesterday’s coffee, Hallie In the other room watching her favorite, Baby Einstein, and a sink full of dishes. This morning began as every other morning but it feels different. I’ve always tried to have time with God; it’s been a goal since as long as I can remember. I’ve been given devotional after devotional that managed to find its way over on the book shelf in a neat row. The pages never really opened except for the first initial skim. I honestly am not proud to explain this neglect to you, but I feel it needs to be addressed in order to understand the gift that God presented to me in the peacefulness of this October morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table thinking about how stressed I was to complete the day. The house needed to be cleaned, I need to attend a Dr. Appointment at 11am, and I need to somehow make my way to the flooring store to complete the weekly logging of the books. Everything kind of piled on me in a really unpleasant way and I began to feel the weight of my responsibilities, yet again, bear down on my shoulders. For anyone that’s experienced this, it’s exhausting! Definitely not a feeling you long to feel so early in the morning.  Without doing my usual stress reliever which is whip in to my daily wipe down of the kitchen, I bowed my head to ask for strength.

My friends, the words came flowing out my mouth without any warning. I began talking to God about everything as if he was in the kitchen chair next to me. It was a simple prayer, nothing special, but it brought me so much peace and urged me to drop everything and race over to my computer to type out my feelings. It occurred to me that I had just had my first authentic, “Quiet Time” with God.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a warm, loving, Godly home. I can remember waking up from my bedroom at the end of the hall and hearing my mom softly whispering in the front room. As I made my way down our hallway, I would find my Mom sitting in her green chair with her bible in her lap, whispering away to God. It became a comfort and as I think about it today, I smile, seeing the bigger picture now. My sweet Mother was having a quiet time with God, the same God I bowed before this morning.  It brings tears to my eyes to know that through the simple ritual of having a personal quiet mediation with God all those years before her children awoke, it’s made its way to me. Now a mother searching for the same thing I’m sure my mom was seeking every morning; strength to face the day ahead and a clear mind to restore faith in her creator.  

In a minute, I’ll get up from my desk and go about my usual morning routine and it will be different than yesterday. I will be mindful of the promise I was given in the quiet whispers of my morning prayer, that he’s with me and I can do this only with his help. 

The Dawn of my Favorite Season

            Today I sit with you from the seat in front of my computer desk, my little 14 month old sitting at my feet, sifting through the paper trash and baby gabbing away, the wash is in and kitchen cleaned after a breakfast of waffles and fruit and the cool September air is circulating through the apartment nicely. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this content and it feels so invigorating! I also might add that some of the excitement is coming from the season that’s upon us…autumn has always been my favorite. From the warm scents, to the whirring of the school buses on route so early in the morning and the endless weekend activities that seem even more exciting now that I have a family of my own to share them with.

This feeling of content isn’t only brought on by my love for the season in weather but the season in my life that’s just begun. There was a time not many weeks ago where I felt stuck. My daughter, always my main priority and worry, wasn’t seeing enough of her Mommy because of my work and the endless routine that I practiced week after week that started to run me down. The constant need to find a baby-sitter and the unsatisfying feeling of leaving my growing daughter in fear I would miss something. All of these things followed by the laundry list of chores that never seem to go away. It was a rut I found myself in after simply trying to go back to work to help our little family make it in its young, fragile state. I remember waking up on one of my days off and just praying to God to help me find a solution where I could still work but end up where I belonged. The thought of returning to my old job (which I mentioned in my last blog-post) came to mind and I cautiously proceeded with the idea.

I’ve been back to work at the Red Onion for 3 weeks now and that cautious idea I decided to move forward with has prevailed in ways I could have never orchestrated myself. I’m able to be home every morning with my daughter, playing with her, watching her grow and most importantly keeping the home fires burning. I work 3 evenings a week with the help of my closest family and of course, wonderful husband, to care for Hallie.

Not only has this change in job been good for the dynamic of our family but most importantly it’s given me 3 times a week I get to remember who I was before I was dubbed wife & mom. I didn’t realize the importance of that identity until I hadn’t seen it in a while. I must say, God really had my back and knew exactly what I needed…And how awesome of him to do it during the dawn of my favorite season. ;) 

xoxo 

Mallory 

Apparently all that 'paper sifting' tuckered her out! 

Closing a Chapter

I’m writing to the blog tonight from a sense of excitement and eagerness to share a new but old addition to my Journey. I’m propped up in my pile of blankets in our cozy, laundry covered bedroom. Hallie is running around our house under a watchful eye of her Daddy and he’s graciously given me a little quality time with my blog.

Life has been hectic lately, slowly mastering the balancing act of working two long days during the week and being around the other three to play out my wife & mommy role. It’s definitely been a telling time for me personally. There is a definite responsibility that presents itself in the everyday moments of life that I owe my daughter and most importantly my family, my very best on a daily basis. It’s not always feasible but it’s definitely my life goal to be there for my little one that needs me fully. 

My recent chapter in life is coming to a close and though I’m sad for certain reasons, I’m also very excited to enter in to a new chapter. These past 6 months have been a real challenge adjusting to life working in a complete different line of work, learning to grow as a wife and mother, and still trying to tend to myself when I can. I’m proud to say I took a job opportunity and played it out to its full potential, but unfortunately, I’ve decided to walk away from the day job and enter in to an old routine of a night job at the beloved Red Onion, while also taking on an entirely different side job working for an incredible health and wellness company, it works Global.

What a crazy thing life is! I can’t even believe my life is changing this much in such a small amount of time but I’m so blessed to have so many awesome opportunities to play out and give my all.

With the fall season just around the corner and new beginnings on the horizon, I can’t help but feel giddy with excitement as life changes course. I’ve come such a long way through this Journey as a person and as a mother; it’s an invigorating feeling to grow towards a direction you feel you’re led to follow. Stay tuned! 

xo Mallory 

Mess to Masterpiece

There's something about rainy days that bring out the 'blog' in me. I'm sitting in my quiet corner at work, sipping coffee, (that's a given!) and with all my paperwork in order I figured it can't hurt to take some time out of my day to dedicate to the blog. 

When I began this blog, I was a naive nineteen year-old looking for an outlet to sort out the mess I'd created of my life & today as I add to my thirteenth post in over the span of a year (and a half) I feel like the life that was once spinning around me, has rested in to a comfortable spot and I couldn't be happier of how I've grown. I can't say I'm not naive anymore- because if I've learned anything, I know that there's always wisdom to gain.

I'm married to a man that has had my heart since I was fifteen, he loves me faithfully and even though we have our differences at times, we choose to work through them and love each other anyway. We've learned to become responsible adults and take care of our precious little girl that depends on us fully. We've learned to pay our bills and choose the necessities over desires and cherish the innocent things in life. 

I've maintained healthy friendships that stretch from across counties to across the country. I've learned to listen to what God teaches us about being apart of this sinful world and to have patience no matter how frustrated I become. I'm a Mother, wife, sister, daughter & friend to so many incredible people and I'm so thankful for all the people in my life that make it what it is. It's a rewarding feeling to mull over your life and to be content with what's in front of you. 

This blog wasn't just for me to realize how far I've come, but for people to realize no matter what mess you may be in the middle of there is hope to rewrite your future. Never be intimidated by doing just that-

xo

Camping or Bust!

            It’s a peaceful morning over here, as I write these words to all of you. The sun has just barely come up and I’ve found myself restless and filled with words, so I’ve given up on the idea that a couple more hours of sleep is possible and surrendered to a cup of coffee and my laptop.

I may be able to attest this restless feeling to the fact Jon & I are going camping this weekend and having a little get-a-way weekend to recharge and reconnect. We’ve chosen to head out with our new car and some supplies- and according to the weather report…lots of rain gear. I was so disappointed last night as I checked the weather map for that area and it still had 3 solid days of gray clouds and rain. I found myself going through Pinterest at 4am this morning, reading through camping tips & tricks and doing what I do best…making lists! But this morning as I waited for my coffee to brew I had a little conversation with God, where he told me that this weekend would be everything I made it to be. All the planning in the world couldn’t make this trip fun if my attitude wasn’t prepped. So my prayer as we pack up Hallie for her nana & papa’s house and run around getting everything in the car for our trip, is that we find joy in this time we get to spend together, No matter what the weather decides to do!

            A huge thing in the life of my little family has recently happened, we bought our first car! It was a long time coming and huge hurdle for Jon & I to overcome. I know it’s just a car but for two young parents that are learning how expensive life can really be, to be able to end up in a position where affording a nice car was possible was a very big accomplishment for us. Driving off the lot with our new car was like driving over a finish line and it was an incredible feeling! Ever since we discovered we we’re going to become parents we knew that there was a huge gap between a young engaged, care-free couple, pondering about life and a settled, financially sound couple that we’re also responsible parents. It wasn’t an easy road to maneuver down but I’d say we’ve made our way to a very special destination. It doesn’t always happen like that-where you work hard for something and you get rewarded but it’s always sweet feeling when it does happen that way.

Well I’d say it’s time to go try to catch a quick power nap before our busy weekend begins! Like I always say- Don’t lose the joy in the journey! xo

A little 'milestone' picture for the family album! 

Power, Peace & Coffee

            It’s a rainy morning here in B-ville, so naturally, after a diaper change, morning bottle & a nice big cup of creamy coffee, I felt it only appropriate to sit down with the blog again. This past weekend I got the enormous honor of being a part of my lovely friends’ wedding. For me, weddings bring out the emotional side in me, as it does in most women I assume. This particular wedding was held at a spectacular waterfall in Taughannock Falls in NY. The ceremony itself was placed so perfectly on a stone overlook, right in front of the magnificent falls. As I was standing there listening to my dearest friend profess her unwavering love for her husband-to-be, I couldn’t help but peek around at the falls and marvel at its absolute power. It was one of those moments that happen few and far between in this busy culture we’re a part of. I could barely take it all in! As the water poured over the top in to the giant gorge & the couple standing before it reciting their carefully crafted vows, I felt as if they were not only speaking to each other but speaking before God. The waterfall so peaceful yet so powerful represented God. I don’t think it was meant to represent anything other than a beautiful back-drop but his mysterious yet perfect ways of reminding us he’s always there became so clear at that moment in the ceremony. I remember getting chills as if I was having a secret moment with our loving savior at this perfect ceremony. What a gift.

            It was a special day filled with lots of smiles, pictures, memories & food. The day came and went and reality set back in swiftly. Jon and I made our way home back to our little girl waiting for us and the routine of our life-style as parents & responsibilities set back in as quickly as we left them.

I woke this morning, whined and rolled out of bed wishing for more sleep, I knew that it was time to ask God for some strength because no coffee in the world can keep me going like God can. I suppose it’s time to leave my corner of comfort with my coffee and dimly lit laptop but thankfully I believe this streak of writers block is over and I’ll be visiting the blog much more often. Until then… :) 

Iced Coffee & Prayers

Hi friends, it’s always a joy to take a break from life and sit down with Dunkin iced coffee in hand to scribble out what’s been going on in this crazy (and blessed!) life of mine. I have been anxiously waiting to begin a new job and as each day passes, the excitement builds. My gracious brother-in-law to be has been renovating a new store in Brewerton, NY to become his new flooring showroom. He asked me a few months back if I would join him in selling flooring and doing his books and other paperwork for his business. I can still remember the feeling of relief as God was answering my prayers. Shortly after I left my long-standing job at the beloved Red Onion, I began to worry that I wouldn’t find something that paid well and worked with my evolving mommy schedule. This wonderful opportunity not only answers every single prayer that I prayed but it gave me three special months to savor with my Hallie girl. Watching her grow was such a gift and I’ll never forget these early days of her life that I was able to stay home with her. So yes, Praise the Lord!

Following this update on my life, I’d like to touch on the topic of prayer. As noted above, God heard me loud and clear and it was so incredible for me to experience that, but I must be true to my readers. I didn’t spend a lot of time praying for this to happen. Prayer is something I’ve always struggled with. It’s not that I don’t think God hears me. It’s that I struggle finding time in my life to dedicate to God. Recently in the quietness of one of my special days at home with Hallie, God really made it clear to me that If I open up and really pursue a more personal relationship with Him, He will prevail.  Nothing insane or crazy has happened since, but I feel so much more complete that I get to talk to God whenever I need to and He listens. It’s such an often forgotten privilege with powerful results.

I hope your all staying warm in this blistery storm!  Jon woke up this morning and decided it was as good a day as any to play hookie, so the plan for today will be to hunker down with my two favorites and have a fun day indoors eating Superbowl leftovers and watch movies!

Thank you for reading, as always, I'm very humbled to see how many people actually do take a glance at the blog. <3 

Change is a promise

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I began thinking about all the milestones in life that are yet to come. Something about having my first child, awakened this sense of excitement within me and it gave me such hope for the future. I remember this specific Grey's Anatomy episode (forever will be in love with this show!) where there was an older man dying of cancer. As one of the interns was in his room treating him for something, he began to explain there becomes a time for the older generation where you realize that all that you were looking forward too, already happened. That epiphany in this fictional character has always stuck with me. It's a sad realization but it can always be used as a reminder. To recognize that this time that you have right now, comes along with a promise, that it won't always be here. Change can be oddly comforting if your having a bad patch or it can be scary if your happy with how your life is at the moment. But the sooner we embrace it, the better!

On that note, I thought I would update my readers on my current stage of life. Our daughter just turned 6 months and she is growing so fast. Every day it seems she's developing more and more and it's so fun to watch. I love the light that comes on in her eyes when she masters something. This week it was sitting up, such a big milestone for her! I have to remember to document it in the baby book!

Jon and I just celebrated our first anniversary as a married couple. It was oddly perfect that we spent the day together just doing our normal routine. I cleaned our apartment and he cuddled with the baby on the couch. Then my parents watched Hallie while we went out to a nice steak dinner and then of all presents he gifted me a new diaper bag! ;) That low-key kind of day was just a pleasant reminder that our life together is a perfectly ordinary one. Filled with quiet nights in our apartment watching our daughter grow, weekly trips to the grocery store and a passionate love that never seems to fail. I couldn't be happier.

I must touch on the fact that life isn't perfect. I value the truth that though I paint a perfect picture there are many flaws as well. Marriage is a challenge, we work so hard everyday to do it right. Loving each other some days is a choice but it's always the right one. Hallie, though a happy baby most of the times, we do have the occasional, fussy day where I don't shower until after dinner. I can't seem to keep up with my heap of laundry which I get the awesome privilege of carrying down my 32 steps and 7 miles over to my parents, twice a week. But in this life filled with challenges, I get the awesome privilege of waking up every day and living it. And to me, that's enough.

So, thanks for reading, I hope all of you can take away something from this post. Stay warm in this frigid weather and remember...Change is a promise. Spring is coming! :) 

In light of our anniversary, I thought I'd post a little memory from our Wedding. :) 

Dear 2014

Dear, 2014

 I must reminisce with you. You have been a year to remember. You will be a year that I tell my grandchildren about someday, a year that when I'm old and wrinkly, I look back upon and smile with remembrance. A year that chose to test my limits, to bring me pain and then replace it with joy. You have stripped me of my pride on countless occasions only to replace it with humble thoughts. You've strengthened my relationship with my family. You've brought me life-long matrimony with a man that is kind and loyal to his word. You've brought me a daughter that has striking blue eyes and a soul made of joy and love. Oh, 2014, you have been one for the books. I'd like to thank you for your constant roller coaster because it taught me that life holds no promises. I'd like to thank you for your constant changes, they taught me how to adjust and accept. I'd like to thank you for the consistency of your months that come so quickly and leave so quietly. 

2014, you have not been a year that came and went with disappointing regrets, resolutions not completed and exceptions not met. You had plans I never expected and you held memories I'll never forget. Goodbye 2014, I'll welcome this new year with you in mind and bring along what you've taught me.

Love,
Mallory