When Depression Hits - My Pregnancy Story Part 1

 It's a hazy Sunday morning, my coffee is getting cold (what’s new), and I can feel the sun rising above the tree-line behind me. This cozy corner on my deck has become my favorite place to come too with a steaming hot cup of coffee, my bible and my life’s stressors. I always leave this space feeling renewed with a fresh perspective. 

The space around me is quiet, the kids are inside playing and the only thing I can hear is the clacking of this keyboard and the humming of our hot tub ( which so rudely I can’t use until this baby comes out!) One of the many sacrifices a woman makes as she shares her body with her growing child. I chuckled as I wrote that because come on, what a first-world problem! 

The biggest change as I've experienced my third pregnancy has been the depression. I never imagined I would find myself in this position but here I am, dealing with it as best I can. It started around week 8 when I went in for my very first OB appointment, to meet my new doctor and discuss the next 32 weeks. It became very apparent to me as she screened me with some routine questions that my mental health was taking a nosedive. I had two options. Ignore it and pretend that I’m okay (because let's be honest, it feels wrong to tell people we need help, especially when those around us can’t see the changes) or I tell this sweet doctor whom I had just met that I was feeling sad and I didn’t know why. I took a deep breath and looked at my husband (who didn’t really understand yet how bad I was feeling) and I told her the truth. She gave me some options and she said some really scary things- like if you think about hurting yourself or you start to feel really sad, call 911, call ME, call someone. 

I left the appointment feeling pretty numb. Here I am- supposed to be over the moon that my baby has a heartbeat and things are on track for a healthy pregnancy and I just got prescribed an antidepressant and I had no earthly idea how my body was going to react to this new drug. 

My experience the last 6 weeks has been hard, very hard. Many days I feel lonely as I’m home with the kids. Jon works a lot to support our growing family and I’ve had to learn to be okay by myself (and minus the depression I do pretty good) but add some mental health issues and a new medication in the mix; I was terrified. Mom’s don’t get the luxury of taking self-care days, we have to show up or our life crumbles pretty quickly. I am so thankful for my best friend, Micaela, who has talked to me every-day, checked in with me and let me vent, let my cry to her. I’ve pushed through every day, some days I feel good but some days I can’t seem to reach any further than the empty feeling that my brain just can’t seem to shake. I hate it. Depression is just such a mean, disruptive thief. It makes no sense. 

I’m 14 weeks pregnant now and thankful that the meds seem to be kicking in. I still have rough days but they seem to only happen a couple days a week now. God has been teaching me more than ever in my 27 years that I need HIM. I need His promises. I need His truths. I need His hope that this isn't happening to me, it is happening FOR me. I know that seems crazy but I’m a firm believer that I have to be willing to live the story He’s writing for me so someday I can help someone who’s trying to do this without Him. 

Today in my quiet time, He reminded me that even in the days where the sadness feels like a weight I can’t put down, that there is so much to be thankful for, and with that thankful spirit, is the hope we all desperately need. His blessings are everywhere, it's up to us to look for them. 

I do not know how I’ll feel tomorrow, how I will handle the plans He has for me this Fall (as I start a new job) or even where I’ll be mentally, when this baby is born. It's fair to say that these anxieties are valid- but I refuse to let them go any further than my prayer journal. God promises that He is the one who arms me with the strength I need. Psalm 18:32-33 says It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to stand on the heights. 

I have no answers, I am humbled by my struggles and my role as a Mother as I maneuver my life. I am okay with not knowing the answers because I’ve given my life to the one that does. 

Stay Tuned **

My BEST friend, thank you Lord for her! 

Slowing down and finding the joy in the little things, its hard sometimes, but its worth it! 

Old Shame with New Lessons

 Tonight I’m sitting with you in my kitchen, crumbs still all over the table, towels stacked in a pile waiting to be put away in the bathroom for showers tomorrow & of course our Koda at my feet; he always lands where I do. 

I’ve had something on my heart for the last few weeks and I’ve been muddling with how to speak out on this topic. I decided it was time to get it out and start the conversation because Lord knows we all need some reminders from time to time. None of us are perfect, so many of us are consumed by what goes on in our own lives. We may not know how our words may sting.

When I got pregnant at 18, the feeling of shame was always something I carried. I didn't have a relationship with the Lord yet, I knew Him. I knew of His forgiveness, but I didn't understand the true depth of His love for me and His promises to literally carry my shame and dispose of it for me. It took me years to work through this shame, until I finally was able to lay it down and walk away from it. But when something stings for so long, it's a memory that can creep up on you. Pregnancy for me has always been a couple of things- shameful and something I need to prove, a monumental decision that I need to prove to myself and those around me that I am worthy of handling it.  

Here’s where things get really interesting and as always, I’ve promised to be transparent with you, as much as we thought over our decision to grow our family- I still had old feelings of needing to prove myself to those around me, that I can handle the choices we’ve made for our family. As I was praying over this and processing it, I realized this was from the old wounds I had from when I carried my old shame. 

With pregnancy comes the comments. Ohhhh, the comments. If you’ve been there, you know them. “Were you trying? Was this planned? Oh, honey, you’ll have your hands full!! Oh my goodness, another one? There is more, but you get my point. 

I’m not one that usually pays much attention to things that bother me, I can normally get up and walk away whatever the topic is. But when it comes to this specific topic, I feel like it needs to be talked about more, because I’ve been in such a delicate position where these comments have stung, deeply. 

My mom has always taught me that I am the one that's responsible for my emotions and I have lived by that for many of my adult years, it's true. I can’t give people the weight of my emotions and I need to find my own truth, dig my roots into the foundation of God’s word and when life gets hard, filter your feelings through the truths of God’s love. His opinion is the only one that should have any weight in this heart of mine. 

But I felt so strongly about sharing my own insecurities because I think we need to always speak with kindness and we should always strive to be a source of light in this dark world. As uncomfortable as it was to feel all those emotions of shame, of inadequacy it was so important and I’m thankful for them. 

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Now here’s the real lesson and the point of this entire entry; Nobody could ever prepare you for the challenges of motherhood; but from someone who has maneuvered  the last 7 years being a Mother who had no business in making herself one at 18- I’ve learned that no one really is ready, no one has it figured out, and the comments whether they sting or not, shouldn't be a measurement of how “ready” or “equipped you are” to manage the life you’ve created; quite the contrary. God has a plan for you, you're going to fall, you're going to need saving more times than you can say & it will change your heart from the inside out in all the right ways. 

I believe the only comment that we should say when we hear a young mother say she’s expecting, should be, “God’s plan for your life is beautiful, lean in and enjoy the ride.” 

Being a Mother has been the most rewarding thing I’ll ever do, it has humbled me in endless amounts, it has shown me that life no matter how messy it gets or how many times you mess up, God will forgive me. God has my heart in his hand and he is molding me like clay, and as feeble as I feel at times, I entrust my children’s lives in His hands fully rather than my own.

Do you see now, lovely friend? You don’t have to be ready, you just have to be willing to learn and listen, and the rest will work itself out.

Our 3rd babe in there growing away. Praying the Lord prepares me to raise this little one with strength ❤

Seasons Change

 I sit with you, on my deck, rocking back and forth in my porch swing. I’m letting Koda wander the yard getting out his last wind as he chases and taunts the birds that reside in our backyard. The sun is setting and the air is turning colder with each shift in the light, as the sun slowly finds its way further down the tree line. 

It’s been a very long time since I’ve sat down to write. I can almost surely say that as I sit here with you, listening to the birds chirp their evening song, that I am a very different person than I was the last time I wrote. I’ve spent the last year bending and shifting like the wind I’m feeling across my face. This year has been a year of growth. A year of trust. A year of dying to my own plans and learning to lean in to the story that God is writing for me. I have learned time and time again that my plans will never have the creativity or the meaning that God’s have. 

Each morning, as I've strived to sit with my bible, I’ve asked God life’s biggest questions and I’ve also spent a fair amount of time whining, as I fret about how uncomfortable and weak I feel in my daily fleeting emotions. 

I don’t know about you, but I always enjoy looking back at my facebook memories. I check them, usually everyday, and I always marvel at how much the kids have grown, how our house has evolved (because I’m constantly moving furniture around lol!) and how different my perspective has shifted over the last year. It never fails, a year goes by and I feel like I’ve changed 10 times over, along with the way I handle certain circumstances, whether that be in my marriage or in the way I parent my kids. The constant evolving door of life has taught me important lessons, that no matter how stuck I feel, don’t sit in those feelings too long; because they never last. 

Just as I’ve crafted this blog, my evening has turned into morning and I’m now sitting on the deck at our table, watching the early morning sun glimmer a new day over my kids as they run around our back-yard. The iced coffee I’m sipping is strong and the birds are chirping a totally different tune than they were last night. 

Life is like that, isn't it? A quote from one of my favorite “guilty pleasure” tv shows, Greys Anatomy says; “The carousel never stops turning.” It can scare us or it can excite us; and I truly believe that it’s a choice which one we choose to feel and run with. The year 2020 was a time that so many of us felt fear, a fear of the unknown in so many aspects of life. Still in 2021, we feel the lasting effects as we continue to press onward in our daily lives, hoping that as time marches on we don’t feel too uncomfortable amongst the changes. But as I’ve bended and shifted over the last year, and come to accept the gradual change that ends up being my present life, I've learned that feeling uncomfortable doesn't have to be bad. In fact, within that discomfort is where we can embrace change, the kind of change that pushes us forward in life and gives us clarity and perspective to make the most of our future.  

I’m sitting here once again, in a completely different space as I was in the last paragraph I wrote, now sitting inside in the warmth of our fireplace, it's one of those damp, rainy mornings that make you want to just cuddle up and watch a movie. Life just never stops moving and our circumstances will change so often, that it almost seems silly to place our happiness or stability in them, doesn't it? The best thing we can do for our future selves, is stop this practice. 

 Stop fretting. Stop worrying. Stop placing so much weight in each moment and how we feel in it, and focus on the bigger picture. But how do we do this? It's ironic. We are to focus on the exact moment we’re being given right now. There is something supernatural that happens; before we know it, it’s been a year and we’ve turned around to see how much has changed. We start to rise above our circumstances and see them for what they are; fleeting moments that will carry away like the wind, only to be remembered and learned from. 

It felt so good to sit down and click clack away to the beat of what God’s been teaching me over the last year. I am still in awe at the story he’s been writing for my life. It seems like just yesterday I was struggling through college with a newborn baby, working a part-time pizza job- trying to figure out the new roles of wife & mother that I so carelessly took on. It’s been almost 7 years and I look around and I can visually see the grace of God. Only he can make such a beautiful life out of the messes that I’ve made. I’m 27 now, about to start a brand new job in the Fall, as a preschool teacher. My kids are growing so quickly and each and every day, no matter how frazzled I get in my role as a Mom, I try to cherish all of it. The sound of little feet stomping around the house, the constant noise of giggles and squeels and the never ending eb and flow of a household with little kids. I am thankful. 

I never know how to end these blogs, probably because it isn't really an ending, its just a pause. So i’ll leave you with a bible verse that I like to read when I feel like life and its troubles are just too much. “ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all So we fix our eyes not on waht is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18

Some captures from our current season ❤

Scuba Steve LOL He needed these on his outing with Nana 

Those baby blues! Out enjoying some one on one time with Mama,
 while Hallie's at school. 

Finally to a point in my life where I'm feeling 
so confident in my own skin. It feels good. 💪

Daddy hugs are the best 

Hallie is BACK to school full time!