I’ve been having some serious writers block over the last
few months. Mostly because every-time I’d sit down to write, I’d have these
thoughts of doubt- like what do I have to offer this blog anymore? Did I ever
really have anything of value to share? I’m not sure where these thoughts of
insecurity root from but I’ve always tried not to give them power. So this is
me, telling them to shove it.
My
entire adult life, (all 7 years of it) I have aspired to connect with people. I
thrive off a good conversation, an afternoon spent with a friend or a shopping
trip through Target with my sister. It fills my cup. It makes me feel alive and
that I’m spending my time on this Earth doing something meaningful. Talking and
connecting with someone can do a number of things for me. It can distract me
from my problems or it can reroute my thoughts-back on a healthy track. If I’m
having a bad day, my first move is to reach out. Which is why this blog has
always served a purpose for me, by writing these words and knowing they may end
up in front of a bunch of people that I know, I feel connected which makes me
feel like my words may actually matter to someone other than myself.
Which
brings me to the topic of why I sat down in the first place; I’ve always felt
that social media, which is where I spend a lot of time connecting, can be a
negative place if I’m not careful. I don’t mean the usual argument over a
heated topic- I mean the lofty feeling of comparison that looms over us as we
scroll. I do it. I know you do too. I was just chatting with a friend of mine
this morning about how we compare our lives to the highlight reel of someone else’s.
It isn’t fair, and it isn’t real. Yet it still affects us and we still post and
scroll and repeat that feeling of comparison and inadequacy. As I was going
through my day, I couldn’t help but feel convicted.
By posting only the good, the love and the happy days of my
life- not the ugly, or sad or even heart-breaking pain I have dealt with so
recently. So I will gently but abruptly share a few things that I’m not proud
of and I don’t really like sharing with everyone. But I want to be authentic. I
want to be raw. I once said in a later post, this is my story and I have to be
willing to live it; which for me, means I have to be willing to share and
connect.
My marriage is hard, so hard. I struggle on a day to day
basis to be an example for my kids, to practice the vows I so freely gave 4
years ago. I get divorce. I understand wanting to run, because this is the
hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life; Which is tie myself to another and try
to coexist with both of us needing things we can’t always give each other. I
love him and I appreciate him in ways I have a hard time communicating. I wish
things were easier right now, but they aren’t.
My body image is lacking, I feel so over-weight and with the
exhausting nature of my current life situation, working out and eating healthy
and changing an un-healthy lifestyle seems like the most daunting task of all.
Each and every day I make questionable decisions, like eat donut holes because
I’m sad or drink 3 iced coffees and realizing at 8pm that I have had 1 measly
glass of water. It’s a struggle people.
Lastly, the mom guilt! Did I tell them I love them enough
today? Have they eaten too many servings of mac n cheese this week? She had way
to much screen time today. GUYS! I’m horrible at this but I know you mama’s get
me here. We need to be easier on ourselves but it’s so much easier said than
done.
This entry has been a long one, but I have to say- its
freeing getting a few things out there in the open. I am not ashamed of my
problems because I KNOW everyone has their own. My biggest desire for sharing
these intimate details of my life, is that It may resonate with someone and
comfort them in knowing that we’re all in this together.
