I’ve been afraid to
write this blog. In fear that it would reveal too much about my personal life
or maybe that it would just mean I’ve finally come to terms with my reality.
The truth is that I process things that happen to me through blogging and as
scary as this is to put right out in the open for everyone to read, it’s also
real and raw, which is how I’ve chosen to live my life. This life is full of
lies and societal norms, I don’t want to live that way or raise my daughter
knowing she can’t be who she is. So this blog, though revealing and terrifying
to write, it’s time to come out with it so I can finally move on.
It was a beautiful
Tuesday afternoon, the sun was starting to set above the tree line in my back
yard and I was watching Hallie play with her red slide. It was blissful. I was
so happy. I looked up to the sky and I remember distinctly thanking God for Hallie,
my husband and this little baby in my belly. The opportunities in my life were
busting at the seams and my heart felt full.
After a while outside I
decided to take a walk back in because I needed to use the bathroom. As I
rounded my little toddler up, I made my way in to the house. The next turn of
events makes my stomach drop just thinking about it. Going to the bathroom with
my toddler singing away outside my door, my heart sunk as I saw blood, too much
blood. As I wiped it away, I told myself not to over react. It could just be
nothing. I ended up in the emergency room that night and later on after several
blood tests and exams it was confirmed that I was miscarrying.
Deep breathes, numbness
and strength within me that I dug so deep for.
I knew I had to stay
strong for my daughter. This life continues and no matter how devastating or
shocking it presents itself, the clock keeps turning.
Days passed and I
slowly started feeling like myself again but I can say the hardest part was the
reminder every time I used the bathroom. The ominous feeling of walking to the
bathroom was enough to make me shut down and feel frustrated; angry even.
Why was I given this
wonderful gift, only for it to be taken away?
God couldn’t have been clearer
as I asked him this question.
He replied, “For I know
the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
It took me off guard as
I don’t know that verse well but it recited in my mind so clear that I knew God
was reminding me that I need to trust him. I need to not place blame but to
look towards the future and have faith in him.
This wasn’t meant to
harm me emotionally, things happen for reasons we cannot explain and that’s
okay.
I’m moving on now and
though I have a heavy heart when I think of that baby that could have been, I
have faith in my God. I stand firm knowing that this is my story and I have to
be willing to live it, feel it and learn from it.
