This entry is a special one. This blog has been with me
for the last six years, processing so many different emotions as I maneuver my
way through Motherhood. First, finding out I was pregnant at such a young age,
barely out of high school. Getting married and learning that it isn’t just a
fairy tale full of romantic feelings, it’s as real as commitment gets and you have
to fight to maintain it. Then becoming a Mother of two; two actual souls that
the Lord blessed me with and how serious that is in a world as broken as the
one we reside in.
Now six years later, smack-dab in an exhausting season of
parenthood, marriage and learning how to maintain a healthy lifestyle; I constantly
feel overwhelmed. I keep thinking to myself that it shouldn’t be this hard,
maybe getting caught up in the world’s lies that I deserve a life unscathed.
Today, due to a random series of events, I found myself sitting
on the floor of the kid’s playroom. It was a good morning by measure of getting
my workout done, a nice, hot shower and my hair blow dried, sipping on my shake
while playing Lincoln logs with Cole. It was a picture perfect morning for me,
and I’m thankful for it! Mornings lately around here haven’t been so
picturesque. I got an idea in my head as I was sitting still with Cole, to pick
up my stack of books and read through a few pages since I was already being still.
Being “still” doesn’t happen very often for me, just ask my Apple Watch.
I was skimming through a chapter in my current read,
Risen Motherhood by Emily Jensen and Laura Wifler. The chapter was talking
about transitions and Motherhood and how challenging we know them to be. I got
thinking about my life and how this blog has played a part in getting me
through so many life transitions and how honestly, the last 6 years has been a
whirlwind of transitions!
Beginning
at 18 getting pregnant then on to getting married; to learning how to be a mother, then on to
learning how to be good parents while simultaneously learning to be a wife.
Then moving on to expanding our family to four and buying a house. It has been transition
central in my life and that explains the constant need for big gulps of air.
The
chapter in this book dropped some real truth bombs and finally after hearing
these truths, I feel the Lord healing my wounds that I’ve had open since I was
18.
There
are so many quiet moments where I wish for easier times, dreaming of a time I won’t
be so spread thin, isolated and pressing for more energy. Then of course the
added guilt I feel when I’m in the midst of a transition and I’m craving that next
step that won’t feel so shaky. As Mother’s we think if we just keep pushing on
and get to the next step, it’ll be easier. Then we get there and feel just as
much exhaustion as the last step. We feel so guilty that we’re wishing our
lives away. We’re wishing for our little ones to be older and easier, there is so much guilt.
God used this author’s words to shake me from my seat and
remind me that my life’s goal isn’t to have easy days with nothing to cause me
pain, heartache or exhaustion. My life’s goal is to move through my days with
an open heart, drawing close to God, asking Him what purpose He has for this
pain I’m feeling. Let me elaborate.
“When a goldsmith wants
to purify gold, he heats it until the impurities are revealed so he can skim
them off. Without the heat, the impurities stay embedded in the gold.
Similarly, our circumstances turn up the heat until we see what’s in our
hearts. It’s not that we used to be nice, energetic people, and now we’re
suddenly irritable and unkind. Those changes simply expose the hidden sin that
existed all along in the ease and familiarity of our circumstances.”
In my current season of constant sick kids, gloomy
weather and long days full of responsibilities, I no longer need to feel like a
victim of my circumstances or that life needs to hurry up and get easier. I can
slow my breathing and hang on to the beautiful truth that the Lord is carving
my heart to be exactly who He needs me to be for His kingdom. The trials I go
through now are creating a better person tomorrow. It’s time to kick the lies behind
me and stop letting Satan fib that my life would be “better” without all these
tough transitions and seasons of difficulty.
I can arise tomorrow no
longer wishing my life away and have hope that God has purposes for today and
sure promise for our final destination.
