The Isolation Cloud

It’s a bright and sunny morning over here in the country. Hallie and I are home enjoying the quiet morning, her playing with playdough while I’m retreating to my kitchen table with a lot on my heart.

 I feel a sense of urgency when it comes to the topic of isolation. Isolation that follows us mothers around like a dark cloud. We are happy in the sense that we have these beautiful gifts from God; we have a roof over our heads and in some cases even have husbands that provide so we can be here with our children. Looking after them, raising them up and keeping our households together with clean laundry and a growing grocery list. The tasks seem to never end and we have to train ourselves to make time for things like friendships, alone time with our spouse, heck – shaving our legs. But we have this thing that follows us around, hounds us in to thinking we need more and we seek these things feverishly. Play dates, church groups, part-time jobs. We NEED people. Isolation can be toxic for our hearts and minds. We crave human attention and someone to challenge us in to thinking and feeling things other than the everyday ho-hum that happens within the four walls of our homes. 

This is something that I’ve been struggling with off and on since my daughter was born in July 2014. There has been such conflict within me, a persistent conversation I have between myself and I, where I scold myself for feeling these things. Needing more that is. “Why isn’t my family enough for me?” “Why am I so ungrateful?” These are all questions that I’ve tossed in and around my heart. I’ve come to a settling conclusion that it’s okay to feel these things! It’s natural. The reason I felt compelled to sit down and finally shed a little light on these personal feelings, was because I have an inkling that I’m not alone in this.

We Moms are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We push through all of those messy emotions, we pour in to our children’s lives by obsessing over the little details and we try our hardest to maintain healthy relationships with our husbands. It’s a wide battlefield but we get up and face the front lines each and every day. I’m proud to finally stand up and express the intricate feelings I’ve harbored for so long. Ladies this is me encouraging you that it’s time to stop feeling bad about our feelings and to remember that it’s important to make time for ourselves.

So how do we conquer the constant isolation that can creep up on us and discourage us in our journey through motherhood? I truly believe, realistically, it’s always going to be a constant struggle, but if we turn to things like church groups meant for mothers and children and make time to call up a friend and fellowship over coffee, that the dark cloud of isolation may grow a little smaller and become more manageable.

Prayer has also been my best friend. There will always be days where you feel like you’ve been doing the same thing over and over again- endless chores and responsibilities. I’ve found that the best days I have are the days I started off asking God for strength and journaling my struggles- getting them out in the open right in front of God and myself. Something about sitting down for a quiet couple of minutes really helped me identify what was bothering me. This changed things for me because I knew that it wasn’t all these chores and the constant demands of being a Mother that was bothering me, which shifted my attitude in a big way.

The day lies before me, and we both look forward to that hour when daddy walks through the front door and we will be 3 again. There were mornings not that long ago where I felt despair and a heavy heart, tired of the loneliness that seemed to take over- but this morning I don’t feel lonely at all. The sun shines bright in my kitchen and my heart is content knowing I have the whole day to enjoy this short season of motherhood that I’m in.

~~~

A friend of mine shared this verse with me yesterday and its proven to really speak to my heart and encourage me turn to God for EVERYTHING- no matter how silly our problems may feel. 

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."

John 15:7

 

Learning to Respect Normal

            I’m sitting here with you with a full heart and a very chaotic mind. This week has been one for the record books and I’ve felt it’s definitely blog worthy. The thing about Mother-hood that always seems to surprise me, is how much I’m constantly learning. It’s a learning curve that seems to never end. I feel like since the day I found out I was pregnant with her, she has been teaching me things I never knew I needed to learn, but I guess that’s the true, beautiful thing about mother-hood, or really parent-hood. You’re faced with challenge after challenge and you’re forced to accept them because the outcome is just so precious. It’s a test you can’t fail, as long as you try your very best. Anyway- this thoughtful blog about parenthood stems from a very frustrating week filled with mixed emotions, sickness and a lot of LAUNDRY.

Monday morning before the sun even rose, I was in my daughter’s room trying to coax her back to sleep so she could wake at a reasonable hour for her schedule and mine! As I’m rocking my daughter, I began to worry as she seemed to be gagging. I flicked on the lamp and sure enough as the light shed throughout the room, so did a nice film of soggy vomit- All over mommy. Instantly awakened, I start undressing her and run her in to the bathroom where we quickly got the soggy clothes off of her and placed her in a warm tub; naturally I was concerned. This was my first true sickness since she’s been born and I had no idea how to handle it. Luckily my mom instincts took charge and we made it through the morning with a couple accidents but mostly snuggles and sips of water.

The real fun began when my husband came home Monday afternoon with an upset stomach. Yes, I’m sure you guessed it. The stomach flu began to surge through our household, taking us out one by one. As I tried to manage caring for now two sick loved ones, I disinfected, scrubbed my hands until they were red and popped airborne tablets like candy. We made it through Monday.

Tuesday was my turn. A long day in bed, partially on the bathroom floor, it was now my husband’s turn to care for our little one as I hurled this flu out of me. At one point I remember lying on the bathroom floor thinking to myself how badly I wanted to be better to care for my sick child, crying outside my bedroom door. It’s hard. Something I’ve dreaded experiencing, I got too first hand on Tuesday. My husband doing his best to care for her while not feeling great himself, I could hear my house getting messy and my daughter whining from discomfort and all I could do was lye there and pray to feel better.

Wednesday and Thursday were a bit different. As quickly as the bug tore through our home it ran on to attack its next victims. We tried our best to get back to a normal state and with me not feeling 100%, I did my best to move on and get back to my regular duties.

This week, obviously, was a tough one. I had to dig deep on many occasions to get  to that next task. Whether it was trying to get comfortable during my illness or cleaning up my daughter for the umpteenth time or even picking up the after-math.  It all came with a heavy burden that made me really appreciate my health and the ‘normal’ I am blessed to call mine. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but I can say that I learned something out of the Pukefest of 2016. I learned to respect normal. That even though I may not want to go to work or I complain to my husband about having to vacuum the car seat for the 4^th time that week, that it could be worse and I need to hold my tongue and RESPECT our normal.

Mallory