When Love isn't Enough

It’s a chilly Sunday evening as I sit with you. This weekend has flown by and I almost can’t believe Christmas time is upon us. Our plump Christmas tree, illuminating our living room, is a friendly reminder that life is just flying by. So instead of climbing in to bed, like I normally would, I chose to stay up a little later and document a few of my latest findings in my journey of life.

The peaceful state that my house is in, is due to a couple things: my busy toddler is tucked in for the night and my husband has taken off on a late work run, yet again. I often have quiet nights like these, where I’m left to my thoughts and more often than not I choose to sit down with my prayer journal, rather than turn on the TV. It’s a habit I’ve been working hard on, mostly because God has shown me how faithful he is, oddly, by using my own words. I often flip through the pages and read back through struggles I was having only a year ago and I’m given a perspective that is so humbling. A perspective that shows me to not fret at what state my life may be in, because it will soon change. I realize that by writing these prayers down, I see first-hand how much God is involved in my life and the more I write, the more opportunities I give him to be faithful. It’s a truth that warms my heart from the inside out and gives me a peace that no quiet night ever could. I’m just so thankful.

           

 Ever since I became a Mother, my life has felt as if it’s barreling down the tracks at warp speed, something about sacrificing yourself to a family and a child that makes life just fly. I found out about 2 months ago that we are expecting another child, this summer. I have been using these past few months to process and when I get a quiet moment like this to ponder how expanding my family will change my life, I get lost in my thoughts. I’ve realized by having another child, we are becoming this family. This unit that goes together and nothing excites me more than being able to be a part of something so sacred.

            

My last recent finding is an important one, and for those who are still reading, thank you for caring about my words enough to read this much! I promise I have a point. Probably the biggest part of my life is my marriage. Many of you know how quickly Jon and I chose to make the decision of a lifetime. We were dating for years, but never in an adult sort of way. We were kids who fell in love and developed a bond that was strong. Never did I realize how much selflessness and perseverance it takes to make a healthy marriage. I’m human and I have desires and sometimes they don’t involve being tied to another. But that’s the point of all this. Prayer, children and family…it all starts with two. I have tears just writing this because of how devoted I am, to my husband in becoming a solid team, a force to be reckoned with when our kids test us and a love that holds strong through the years. 

I suppose it will take years to develop this and plenty of entries in my prayer book, but until then, I’ll just leave this all here. I have faith in our story and each tough moment we trek through, my constant prayer is that we’ll manage to stay hand in hand, with each other and our Maker. 

Us. 

-Jon and I are quickly approaching our 3rd marriage anniversary and I am excited to celebrate together. We both have admitted that this marriage thing isn't for the weak. I'm glad we can joke about it together! -

A Maker & His Craft

It’s my favorite time of day as I sit nestled in my favorite spot in our house. It’s the time of day where Hallie rests her head in her room while mama runs the laundry, puts her feet up and relishes in the peace and quiet. With my corn bag nice and warm on my lap and my prayer journal open to my left, I’m excited to craft a new blog. It’s been too long.

Life has been evolving lately, in more ways than one. Jon still travels throughout the week and I’ve managed to get in to the swing of staying busy between his absences. Hallie is quickly growing to be a strong-willed little thing and each day is spent teaching her and watching her grow. I’m thankful for the short blips of time I’m able to escape to a couple hours at work or a quick run to the store by myself. I was feeling guilty about feeling so excited to leave at times, but I’ve quickly gotten over that and realized it makes me a better Mom to take some quiet time to reflect and just be.

Now that I’ve caught up a little on the everyday swing of things- I’d like to mention my true meaning for opening up the laptop this afternoon, rather than conking out on that pillow that looks really comfortable over there…

My husband has recently found a niche in building things. One day he went out behind my parents’ house, threw some beat up pallets in the back of his truck and brought them home. Before I knew it, he had created this beautiful over-sized coffee table that became the focal point of our living room. I remember when he brought the thing in, smelling fresh of creativity and stain, I looked at this piece of furniture in awe. Who was this man and how the heck did he create such a magnificent piece from those dirty pallets?! Each day I continue to marvel at my husband’s new found talent. He’s created some really beautiful pieces; his most recent is a sturdy, rustic end table to my right. It matches the famous coffee table and has created a perfect spot for me to retreat to, on these quiet afternoons that I hold so dear to my heart.  I think that’s why the feeling of awe still rips through me on a daily basis. The fact that he can create these beautiful pieces of furniture out of something that was left to waste, in lonely stacks off to the side of restaurants and office buildings.

I feel like God does the same thing with us. He sees each of us walking around his Earth, kind of aimless at times, not really having much purpose or place, and he picks us up off our waste-less path and carves us in to something meaningful. Creates us in to a beautiful piece that will eventually end up in a place where it’s appreciated and cherished.

I mentioned above that I had my prayer journal open to my left. I was sifting through the pages this afternoon and I read this one paragraph that I had written, asking God for something specific. As I glanced at the date of the entry, a quick realization came over me, that God had answered my prayer that day. I hadn’t known it at the time; it took a while to show itself, as most of God’s answers do. But his faithfulness just struck me, I looked to my right and admired this end table my husband had worked so hard on and then I looked to my left at my worn prayer journal that God had shown his faithfulness through and I just felt so much peace. It was like God had wrapped his arm around me and said, “Mallory, keep seeking me and I’ll place you exactly where you’re meant to be.”

This world, especially today, can look so ominous. With all this post-election hate and chaos to the every-day struggles we all endure, the answer is simple. It’s always been Him. His faithfulness is everywhere, and all we have do is sit back and look for it; and when we find it, appreciate it and cherish it.

A Mother's Story

I’ve been afraid to write this blog. In fear that it would reveal too much about my personal life or maybe that it would just mean I’ve finally come to terms with my reality. The truth is that I process things that happen to me through blogging and as scary as this is to put right out in the open for everyone to read, it’s also real and raw, which is how I’ve chosen to live my life. This life is full of lies and societal norms, I don’t want to live that way or raise my daughter knowing she can’t be who she is. So this blog, though revealing and terrifying to write, it’s time to come out with it so I can finally move on.

It was a beautiful Tuesday afternoon, the sun was starting to set above the tree line in my back yard and I was watching Hallie play with her red slide. It was blissful. I was so happy. I looked up to the sky and I remember distinctly thanking God for Hallie, my husband and this little baby in my belly. The opportunities in my life were busting at the seams and my heart felt full.  

After a while outside I decided to take a walk back in because I needed to use the bathroom. As I rounded my little toddler up, I made my way in to the house. The next turn of events makes my stomach drop just thinking about it. Going to the bathroom with my toddler singing away outside my door, my heart sunk as I saw blood, too much blood. As I wiped it away, I told myself not to over react. It could just be nothing. I ended up in the emergency room that night and later on after several blood tests and exams it was confirmed that I was miscarrying.

Deep breathes, numbness and strength within me that I dug so deep for.

I knew I had to stay strong for my daughter. This life continues and no matter how devastating or shocking it presents itself, the clock keeps turning.

Days passed and I slowly started feeling like myself again but I can say the hardest part was the reminder every time I used the bathroom. The ominous feeling of walking to the bathroom was enough to make me shut down and feel frustrated; angry even.

Why was I given this wonderful gift, only for it to be taken away?

God couldn’t have been clearer as I asked him this question.

He replied, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

It took me off guard as I don’t know that verse well but it recited in my mind so clear that I knew God was reminding me that I need to trust him. I need to not place blame but to look towards the future and have faith in him.

This wasn’t meant to harm me emotionally, things happen for reasons we cannot explain and that’s okay.

I’m moving on now and though I have a heavy heart when I think of that baby that could have been, I have faith in my God. I stand firm knowing that this is my story and I have to be willing to live it, feel it and learn from it. 

The Isolation Cloud

It’s a bright and sunny morning over here in the country. Hallie and I are home enjoying the quiet morning, her playing with playdough while I’m retreating to my kitchen table with a lot on my heart.

 I feel a sense of urgency when it comes to the topic of isolation. Isolation that follows us mothers around like a dark cloud. We are happy in the sense that we have these beautiful gifts from God; we have a roof over our heads and in some cases even have husbands that provide so we can be here with our children. Looking after them, raising them up and keeping our households together with clean laundry and a growing grocery list. The tasks seem to never end and we have to train ourselves to make time for things like friendships, alone time with our spouse, heck – shaving our legs. But we have this thing that follows us around, hounds us in to thinking we need more and we seek these things feverishly. Play dates, church groups, part-time jobs. We NEED people. Isolation can be toxic for our hearts and minds. We crave human attention and someone to challenge us in to thinking and feeling things other than the everyday ho-hum that happens within the four walls of our homes. 

This is something that I’ve been struggling with off and on since my daughter was born in July 2014. There has been such conflict within me, a persistent conversation I have between myself and I, where I scold myself for feeling these things. Needing more that is. “Why isn’t my family enough for me?” “Why am I so ungrateful?” These are all questions that I’ve tossed in and around my heart. I’ve come to a settling conclusion that it’s okay to feel these things! It’s natural. The reason I felt compelled to sit down and finally shed a little light on these personal feelings, was because I have an inkling that I’m not alone in this.

We Moms are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We push through all of those messy emotions, we pour in to our children’s lives by obsessing over the little details and we try our hardest to maintain healthy relationships with our husbands. It’s a wide battlefield but we get up and face the front lines each and every day. I’m proud to finally stand up and express the intricate feelings I’ve harbored for so long. Ladies this is me encouraging you that it’s time to stop feeling bad about our feelings and to remember that it’s important to make time for ourselves.

So how do we conquer the constant isolation that can creep up on us and discourage us in our journey through motherhood? I truly believe, realistically, it’s always going to be a constant struggle, but if we turn to things like church groups meant for mothers and children and make time to call up a friend and fellowship over coffee, that the dark cloud of isolation may grow a little smaller and become more manageable.

Prayer has also been my best friend. There will always be days where you feel like you’ve been doing the same thing over and over again- endless chores and responsibilities. I’ve found that the best days I have are the days I started off asking God for strength and journaling my struggles- getting them out in the open right in front of God and myself. Something about sitting down for a quiet couple of minutes really helped me identify what was bothering me. This changed things for me because I knew that it wasn’t all these chores and the constant demands of being a Mother that was bothering me, which shifted my attitude in a big way.

The day lies before me, and we both look forward to that hour when daddy walks through the front door and we will be 3 again. There were mornings not that long ago where I felt despair and a heavy heart, tired of the loneliness that seemed to take over- but this morning I don’t feel lonely at all. The sun shines bright in my kitchen and my heart is content knowing I have the whole day to enjoy this short season of motherhood that I’m in.

~~~

A friend of mine shared this verse with me yesterday and its proven to really speak to my heart and encourage me turn to God for EVERYTHING- no matter how silly our problems may feel. 

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."

John 15:7

 

Learning to Respect Normal

            I’m sitting here with you with a full heart and a very chaotic mind. This week has been one for the record books and I’ve felt it’s definitely blog worthy. The thing about Mother-hood that always seems to surprise me, is how much I’m constantly learning. It’s a learning curve that seems to never end. I feel like since the day I found out I was pregnant with her, she has been teaching me things I never knew I needed to learn, but I guess that’s the true, beautiful thing about mother-hood, or really parent-hood. You’re faced with challenge after challenge and you’re forced to accept them because the outcome is just so precious. It’s a test you can’t fail, as long as you try your very best. Anyway- this thoughtful blog about parenthood stems from a very frustrating week filled with mixed emotions, sickness and a lot of LAUNDRY.

Monday morning before the sun even rose, I was in my daughter’s room trying to coax her back to sleep so she could wake at a reasonable hour for her schedule and mine! As I’m rocking my daughter, I began to worry as she seemed to be gagging. I flicked on the lamp and sure enough as the light shed throughout the room, so did a nice film of soggy vomit- All over mommy. Instantly awakened, I start undressing her and run her in to the bathroom where we quickly got the soggy clothes off of her and placed her in a warm tub; naturally I was concerned. This was my first true sickness since she’s been born and I had no idea how to handle it. Luckily my mom instincts took charge and we made it through the morning with a couple accidents but mostly snuggles and sips of water.

The real fun began when my husband came home Monday afternoon with an upset stomach. Yes, I’m sure you guessed it. The stomach flu began to surge through our household, taking us out one by one. As I tried to manage caring for now two sick loved ones, I disinfected, scrubbed my hands until they were red and popped airborne tablets like candy. We made it through Monday.

Tuesday was my turn. A long day in bed, partially on the bathroom floor, it was now my husband’s turn to care for our little one as I hurled this flu out of me. At one point I remember lying on the bathroom floor thinking to myself how badly I wanted to be better to care for my sick child, crying outside my bedroom door. It’s hard. Something I’ve dreaded experiencing, I got too first hand on Tuesday. My husband doing his best to care for her while not feeling great himself, I could hear my house getting messy and my daughter whining from discomfort and all I could do was lye there and pray to feel better.

Wednesday and Thursday were a bit different. As quickly as the bug tore through our home it ran on to attack its next victims. We tried our best to get back to a normal state and with me not feeling 100%, I did my best to move on and get back to my regular duties.

This week, obviously, was a tough one. I had to dig deep on many occasions to get  to that next task. Whether it was trying to get comfortable during my illness or cleaning up my daughter for the umpteenth time or even picking up the after-math.  It all came with a heavy burden that made me really appreciate my health and the ‘normal’ I am blessed to call mine. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but I can say that I learned something out of the Pukefest of 2016. I learned to respect normal. That even though I may not want to go to work or I complain to my husband about having to vacuum the car seat for the 4^th time that week, that it could be worse and I need to hold my tongue and RESPECT our normal.

Mallory 

A Toxic Situation

            It’s been too long since I’ve had a little blogging therapy and tonight I’d say is shaping up to be a perfect night to do just that. So much has changed since I’ve last sat down with you and I’m grateful as ever to be sharing these new details of my life with you. We have successfully moved away from a toxic situation in to a new situation that’s proven to be exactly what my family needed.

            Towards the end of February we began to pack up our apartment to venture across counties and back in to the country where my heart has always belonged. I can’t explain the love I have for long county roads and tree lines that don’t break often but it’s there and I can only say embracing it has made my heart happy. We live in a little house off of route 12 and I’ve been bustling about for a month now trying to make it feel like a home. The kind of home that I grew up in, where home cooked meals were always on the menu and the sound of evening TV always seemed to soothe the soul. We’ve settled in to a new routine and life is good and relatively stress free again.

            I mentioned a toxic situation prior to us moving on and was in fact the reason we decided to move so quickly. It was unfortunate and the way we were treated after putting up with so much was not pleasant and I’ve been silently coping with the abruptness of how everything went down. My character was questioned when I worked so hard to maintain it. My faith was made fun of when I clung to it. It was a lot to handle and even more difficult when I had no home to feel at home at. It’s taken a good month to mentally get over how I was treated and I can now come to the blog and lay out what I took away from this life lesson.

Sometimes people fall short and they treat you really bad. Rather than wave your fist back at them and try to maintain your point- don’t. Walk away with your held high and your dignity in tact because that is way more important than trying to make your point to a person that can’t listen.

I know a lot of this is mysterious and I can’t get in to details but I can say that no matter what we face in life, the hardest of situations can be handled with grace. Look up to God and hold your head high- higher than the problem at hand. God’s way always prevails!

With all that being said, I’m so excited to move forward in this new home. God provided in such a BIG way. He didn’t let me win the fight and he didn’t allow me to get the last word in- because that’s not what’s important. What’s important is he paved the way for me to find new beginnings and learn from the past. As I sit here in this quiet corner of my new home, I see him in every part and I feel so much peace knowing I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

*I've had a couple questions wondering if this 'toxic situation' has anything to do with my marriage. Jon and I are happily married and he's been right beside us during our move to this beautiful country home. The situation refers to the place we were living and the people that were renting us the apartment we left. Due to the nature of kinship my ex- landlord and I hold, I decided not to provide details. 

Turning the page to a new chapter

            The more I venture through this life, the more I question why I wanted to grow up so bad. The pressure of making adult decisions and wondering if they are the right ones to get you to the future in one piece is always nerve wracking. Thankfully, walking through this life with a firm belief that God is steering me with his mighty hand is enough to put my big girl pants on and make the tough decisions when it counts. These past few months we’ve felt that it was time to move on from our current home in B-ville and search for a new home better equipped for my noisy toddler and evolving needs as a growing family. As a young couple we aren’t in a position to purchase a home yet so we set out to find the ‘perfect’ rental in hopes God would make the right place evident. It took months. Months of worry, prayer, wondering if this was the right move. As time passed and options widdled away, I began to feel frantic. I remember countless, quiet mornings I would look to my bible and plea with God for a clear sign. We continued to sit on our hands and muddle through life, hopeful.

            Now the twist to this personal story is that following a joking conversation with my sister, we began to consider making the move with her. With her at cross-road in life and us desperately seeking for a place to feel at home, we began the search together. With a couple of stressful weeks, craigslist scammers and countless texts and calls to strangers, we ended up at a cute little home on county route 12. It became clear to all of us after our tour that this place was the one and the three of us graciously shook hands with our new landlord.

I can’t begin to express the relief of finally knowing what the future holds. It’s a scary transition but exciting one as we venture through this new chapter in our life. And even more exciting I get to share this chapter with my older sister. I hold where we live very close to my heart and I don’t take it lightly. This new home will be where memories are made, where I raise Hallie in her toddler years and I’m sure many laughs and life lessons will be held.

An update is sure to come for you all, but until then I will be furiously organizing and list making-

Xoxo  

It's time...

            Today was like any other low-key day for my little family of three. I awoke early to a laundry-list of chores bouncing between tired thoughts of what might lie ahead in our day. I made breakfast for my eager 18 month old and then shared my shower time with an applesauce covered baby. It was a day that began like many other days in this stage of life of early mother-hood.

The reason I paint a small glimpse of how my morning went, (and how many other mornings go) is to let you in on an unglamorous and average lifestyle I lead, which brings me to the theme of this blog today; self-image. Lately, I’ve been trying so hard to keep my head up and keep telling myself that I’m beautiful. It’s a daily struggle that I fight and today I reached a turning point in this constant battle between looks and self-confidence.

This afternoon, Jon and I took a trip over to my parents’ house to help them move various pieces of furniture for their upcoming remodel. While trying to chase Hallie around and help out where I could, I found myself standing next to a traveling closet full of old clothes. As I glanced through the rack, my eyes landed on a long, pearl colored sleeve with little beads. my eyes lit up as it was my wedding dress. We transitioned things so quickly I honestly hadn’t known where my wedding dress ended up and seeing it this way, so carefully placed next to a bunch of worn clothes, it stood out fiercely.  It gave me comfort knowing it was stored in such a safe, promising place. I carefully took it off the rack and memories flooded back. I scooped Hallie up and quietly brought it out to our car while everyone else was bustling about moving things. As I walked back in the house I told myself I would try it on later tonight and no matter what I looked like in it, I would love myself.

After a fun dinner at our neighborhood Applebee’s with my family, we made our way home and got Hallie settled in bed. I ventured in to my bedroom to try on my dress. With the door shut I changed in to it and walked over to the mirror not sure how I would feel once I saw the reflection. The dress was tight but still fit comfortably; the fitted dress hugged my curves and didn’t hide the pouch that once housed my now 18 month old.

As corny as this may sound, I told myself enough was enough. I needed to stop beating myself up for having a body that wasn’t the same as it had been. I needed to stop grabbing at my stretched stomach unsatisfied and in disgust. I needed to embrace the fact I grew a child and with that miracle comes stretch marks and extra skin.  

My insecurities have had enough of my time and tonight it’s time to focus on what’s right in front of me. I’m a mom that puts my child first at all times. I’m a mom that spends my free time meal-planning and couponing. I’m a mom that works part-time and exhausts myself for the sake of providing for her. I don’t have enough energy to spend wasting on fretting about the way my shirt fits and what I look like.

Now after all, it is a new year and with a new year comes things we’d like to change. Instead of focusing on this never-ending battle between my mind and body I’ve taken a couple steps that may help me change some things for the better. Jon and I decided to join our local YMCA and start working out as a couple. This not only will give us some one on one time together but I’m hoping will assist in getting healthy and give me an edge that will help put a stop to the harsh critique that looks back at me in the mirror every morning.  

As I might add, this post is a super personal one. No one likes to admit that they have insecurities and though I’m sure many of us struggle with the weight topic, I just want to encourage you to have confidence in yourself. It’s such a difficult thing but we need to dig deep and realize that there is so much more than appearance and weight that makes up a beautiful person.

Tonight as I looked at my reflection, I knew that there was more to what meets the eye. I’m more than my stretchy skin and pudgy arms and as long as I keep this perspective, nothing can keep me from shining.