This Paper is my Canvas; These words are my heart

I'm sitting in my Christmas PJ's at the moment. Just enjoying some peppermint tea and the snow falling outside my window. I just woke up and the first thing I thought to do was start blogging. My mind is at it's most clear in the morning. As I sit here sipping my tea, I've been contemplating about what this blog will be about. Seeing how i'll be a married woman in less than a week, I'm thinking it's only appropriate to write about this upcoming life chapter & my thoughts about it. 

As you can imagine my mind has been racing and though on the outside I may seem calm, if you caught a glimpse inside you would see something that resembled chaos. Good chaos though. 

I've always known that Jon was the guy for me. God placed him in my life at a time I needed him most, and we've both spoken in to each others lives in ways that no one else could ever comprehend. He's become a comforting friend in the unknowing waves of life and a compassionate, loving man in the times I've needed one. I have always believed God's true purpose for a husband has been a strong, loving leader for the family and I have no doubt Jon fills the criteria. His patience with me in the beginning of this pregnancy has been unbelievable. On a side note: pregnancy hormones are no joke if you didn't know I was pregnant you may just think I'm insane. It is possible to cry and laugh at the same time. For Jon not to get frustrated with me in these times of hysteria is a gift in itself. 

Now on a serious note, I have had a few close family members ask me in the quiet moments, if I am absolutely sure this is what I want to do. This wedding is soon, and anyone with common sense should question if this is the right decision. After all, marriage isn't something you take lightly. It's as sacred and forever as this world gets and even though it's lost some of it's holiness as time went on, It's still a holy bound between two people. 

I haven't been able to verbalize right just yet, so I'll try to write it out on this paper. This life is full of obstacles, lessons, and challenges. We must make decisions every day that could alter our life and it's path. This Saturday when I give away my beloved last name and take on Jon's, I have no doubt as I slip on that wedding band that it will never come off. Even though there isn't a magical moment that pegged Jon as 'The One', I believe God grants us the ability to look in to a person and see them as who he created them to be. I truly believe God has a plan and part of his plan was my Jonathan. 

The wedding is this weekend, and we are hopefully landing a new apartment along with our new marriage. This time is full of wonder and excitement, and I'm thankful for all of the people in my life that are making the day so special. You all know who you are! I most likely won't write again until after the occasion, so until then. I'm out as Mallory Bingham. 

I'll see you all, next year! 

Grace

 I'm almost 12 weeks now, and as I continue on this unfamiliar road of pregnancy, I tend to get lost in thought at times. I've been brought up a conservative christian, so many of you know, that really doesn't involve premarital sex and a bun in the oven before you said "I do". I've gotten so hung up on that. I am the hardest on myself. I am constantly shaming myself and when I get a congratulations, It's hard to accept with a smile. I am not trying to walk through this pregnancy with my head held high and it's definitely not all smiles and glowing belly rubs. I'm ashamed, at least I was. I am beginning to realize that this is reality and as my belly gets harder and yoga pants get comfier and comfier the reality presents itself so much clearer. 

Though I feel as we should have waited and gotten married like God commands us. When we sin, we're forgiven and life moves on. We must not get hung up on the pain of our sin but the joy of the forgiveness and grace. Which is why if we have a girl her middle name will be grace. To remind me that God gives us that promise, to always forgive and to move on with his plan and purpose in mind. 

My purpose is this little baby and my new family. I have no idea what will lye ahead and what direction this path I've chosen will take me but It's time to put the shame and hurt away and move on. Accept the love and support from family, friends and my church community. I don't have to be alone in this and I can finally let my guard down. It almost brings tears to my eyes to finally be able to do this. My feelings have felt so guarded and I'm terrified to even acknowledge prayers and love from others because I've felt so shamed.  You all who have stood by me and loved me no matter what, which has been an astounding amount of people, have changed my perspective on this whole situation. You've made it possible for me to be me again. 

Well, now that I'm back, I plan to accept each and every one of your invitations to lunch, coffee and friendly text messages. God put some pretty incredible people in my life, and through all of you shines what being a christian is all about. Loving people. 


1 John 4:8; God is love 

Saying Goodbye to One Life, and Hello to Another.

I can't say I pegged myself for the type to be married at 19 with a bun in the oven, but I have to admit, I'm not upset about it. I found out we're having a little baby about a month ago. Ironically, I posted something on Instagram I've never posted before, the day before I found out. It was one of those cheesy, "Welcome November! Please be good to me" Photos, with a cliche picture equipped with twinkle lights and leaves flowing gracefully on the ground. Little did I know, the next day I would be holding a little plastic stick with one two many stripes than I expected; and November 2013 was going to be one of the toughest months, I've ever been through. Irony at it's best, I'd say! 

Anyhow, I can't count on my fingers how many times I've cried, panicked, sobbed, or screamed at my poor husband-to-be in the last few weeks. He's been a trooper. I've blamed the majority of them on the changing hormones but I must say, I really don't know if it's the hormones or just me...freaking out. To be expected: right? Now that I've been able to come up for air and really study my situation, I've come to terms with my future and I'm sure it will be okay. I mentioned above that I'm not upset about this. It wasn't what I had planned, though I had thought about it and considered the possibility, it never seemed reachable. It's that deceiving thought that pops in your mind that, it won't happen to me. Even if I wanted to drastically change my life, it wouldn't happen to me. What is that lie? Why does it present itself so believable? All questions I've pondered. 

As November came and went, I thought about December and what this month has in store. I realize it won't be one of those months that fly by with nothing memorable. Each month from here on out will mean something. Whether it's our little baby making a milestone or my husband and I moving forward and growing our family. I'm not just a college girl wandering the campus looking around wondering when my life is going to start. It's started and it's flying down the tracks at a 1000 mph. 

This is my last month home, living under my parents roof. Using their wifi and eating their food. They know me so well, and it's so comfortable here. In one of my freakish crying moments, I was listening to the good old Taylor Swift song, 'Never Grow Up' If you haven't heard it, give it a listen. It's a song about realizing how much you wanted to grow up and once you move on and out in to the big world, how much we miss the simplicity of childhood and the little things that made it home. I was weeping in my car, (I'd like to believe it was hormones this time.) thinking about all the things I'll miss at home. The sound of my dad's ankles cracking down the hallway when he goes to bed. Or the steady sound of my mom snoring behind her door. Or the way the floor feels under my bare feet. We all take these things for granted, and when you find yourself in your big girl (or boy) world with all your own things and all the responsibilities; you miss home. As I spend my last days living as a Bingham girl on County Route 10, I am savoring every minute. But next month when I change my name and move in with my love, I'll need to find comfort in new things. I have no doubt I will, and though challenging I realize I would be wishing for this if none of this ever happened. So I might as well take each day as it comes and treat every day as a gift. After all, I have a lot of soul searching to do if I'm going to teach my new baby to be as cool and deep as me. 

Here's the little one, that I already love so much. As I jump through these hoops and prayerfully take each step in to the future, this is what I have in my mind. This really does make it all worth it.