It’s
a balmy, humid morning over here in the country. I awoke early to the sound of
my 4 year old, telling me it was morning and time to wake up! I invited her to
climb up in to the empty space my husband leaves when he’s off on the road, and
handed her my iPhone to occupy her for just a few more minutes of peace and
quiet.
After
the kids finally woke up for the day, still groggy, I stood from the bed and my
legs and back creaked, as I made my way down the hall to my son. Hallie
skipping past me, up on her perch- which is a little black storage box that
stands next to Cole’s changing table, she stood there and sang to Cole as I
changed his diaper. My eyes were still feeling sticky and tired- I thought to
myself- how do little kids have so much energy so early? I made my way out to
the kitchen which instantly felt hot and humid. The AC had been off all night.
I poured each child their morning cup of watered down OJ and started the Keurig.
It was a pretty average morning, but I felt differently.
What
I haven’t shared, is that lately my heart and mind have been ridden with
anxiety. I’ve felt run down and
exhausted. I’ve snapped on my kids on multiple occasions, for just being kids.
I’ve been running around my house and my life feeling spread thin-going from
task to task, getting more and more anxious along the way. My kids have been
getting my worst and I feel horrible about that.
Last
night I had a moment of frustration, I had made it through another day- feeling
as if my head was spinning all day long. I was tired, irritated and confused as
to how I got to be this bad. I felt so guilty. I missed who I had been long
ago, happy-go-lucky, driving around my little white car, with the windows down
and feeling as if nothing was wrong. Enjoying my day and every interaction I
had throughout it. My existence had become this tightly wound Mother who didn’t
even recognize who I was anymore. I was literally laying on my floor in defeat;
Partially because I couldn’t find the TV remote but also because I felt as if
my back was carrying the weight of all of these emotions, and I had no
idea how to get up and feel better about
who I was.
Heavy
stuff…and I’m sorry to lay it all out. But this morning when I woke up, something
inside me clicked. I swiftly walked over to a basket where I keep all my
notebooks and other papers, and searched all the way to the bottom for my
little black book. It’s a notebook I’ve been keeping since October of 2015. I
write prayers in it, and I realized that I hadn’t seen it in months. Conveniently
placed right next to it was my bible.
With
my kids playing in the other room, I sat down and flipped to the last entry.
May 12, 2018. Are you kidding me? Has it
been that long since I’ve sat down with the Lord and really tried to connect?
In disbelief, I grabbed it and sat down at my kitchen table. I scribbled out where
I had been in my life and the things I was feeling and as I was writing, it occurred
to me that Satan had such a hold on my life and I was so blinded by my tasks
and schedule that I didn’t even notice what an ugly person it had turned me in
to. I got up and hugged my kids and I sent a quick text to my husband. “I’m so
sorry.”
This
is who I am without the grace and love of Jesus in my life. I become tired and
irritated and I start thinking back to times in my life that seemed perfect and
long for them and I miss out on the beauty that is in my life right now. Not
only does Satan put up blinders, he tricks us in to thinking what we have isn’t
enough and isn’t enough to make us happy.
After
this long-winded blog, I am thankful for the wakeup call that God so graciously
gave me this morning. I cannot wait to move forward today with this peaceful
and clearer state of mind. I don’t need to lay in bed and wish for a few more
minutes of peace and quiet, I need to rise and seek out the one who is the
truth and the reason for life. Rise and give me Jesus.
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| The Little Black Book |
