I’m
sitting up at my laptop, my screen illuminating the middle of my apartment. It’s
rare I’m awake this late…usually the first chance I get, my tired head hits the
pillow and I don’t rise until I hear the whimpers of my one year old in the
next room over. For some reason tonight I lie awake, thoughtful. Instead of
lying in my bed, tossing and turning, I ended up in front my laptop, scouring
through old pictures I’ve backed up in to a folder onto my desktop. Pictures of
days that seem so far away from this quiet, restless moment I’m living right
now. Pictures that bring memories flooding back that make me wish I chose a
different path. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to have these thoughts. I’ve held
on to them for some time now and instead of harboring them and feeling ashamed
of them, I’ve decided to come clean. These pictures show a thoughtful 19
year-old, daring her way through life, choosing the path that she knew could be
risky but was oh so enchanting. I find myself thinking back to these days
often, when I was free, had little to no responsibility other than myself and
when I bring up the pictures that hold these memories so clear, I can’t help
but carry my mind a little further on to what may have happened if I chose to
not be so daring, not so risky. My mind usually comes to a halt, knowing that these
thoughts are pointless. I chose a daring road that led to a one way street to
adult-hood. My friends, it’s taken over a year to come to terms with my path
and as I slowly pace my way down it, I graciously become more and more okay
with the outcome. You see, it’s been a Journey. One that I am sure will lead to
a completely different person that appears in those pictures I look at. I can
feel her being reborn and the journey it’s taken to become this new woman,
wife, mother that I am becoming is for sure the most difficult thing of all; A
soul-searching journey that has led to this sleepless night and heart-felt
blog. I feel that this blog may be coming to an end; it’s done its purpose. It’s
allowed me to process this journey aloud, with such raw emotion that never
could have been painted another way. I’m not sure of the woman I am yet, but I’m
sure that I’m on my way to becoming her. I can look through these pictures
knowing it’s okay to feel remorse for days I gave up. I can look ahead knowing
that growth is a sure thing as long as you’re willing to mull over your past
and admit when you are wrong. Life is about making mistakes as long as you’re
willing to learn from them. I may not recognize myself these days as that
thoughtful, daring 19 year old but I know that this person I’m growing in to is
worth the journey it’s taken to get here.
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