This Is It...

Just like that, it’s winter. Seasons tend to change so quickly when you’re an adult, no matter where you are in your life. I can certainly attest that it seems to move so much faster when you become a parent, spending your days caring for your children. You go from being pregnant to changing diapers, to sitting up and then walking. Each milestone comes and goes and then all of a sudden you have these memories behind you and you can’t seem to catch up. I wasn’t planning on writing tonight, but then again, these entries tend to craft themselves no matter what plans I had prior. I stood in my living room, the house quiet and mostly dark, except for a few lights I leave on for Jon, when he arrives home late from a work run. The world feels still. I don’t have the TV playing Disney. The baby is sound asleep not needing to be fed, soothed or changed. My house is clean, ready for the next morning and all of a sudden I find myself standing dead center in the middle of my living room, looking up at my mantel. Pictures of my last 5 years, staring back at me. Then I turn my attention to my Christmas tree, unplugged and dark but still twinkling from the light coming from the kitchen. It’s almost Christmas and I have a three year old and now a 5 month old.

Time has an interesting way of creeping up on us. As I gaze out the window to the snow, softly falling, I can’t help but compare the two. One minute you blink and the snow has stopped, it’s the same with time. I blinked and I’m 23 with two kids and a husband.  

With the Christmas season here, especially celebrating in our first home, I can’t help but try to slow the time down a little. I have such wonderful memories of the lights, the Christmas tree, holiday food and music. Sharing all my favorite traditions with my own family has been the most special and meaningful thing to me. Jon and I recently had a moment together, where we couldn’t believe that this life was ours and we we’re blessed enough to be together, living it out.

Most of the time, when I sit down to write out an entry, I have no clue what on earth my point is and it always ends up coming to light by the end. Tonight, as I sit with you, I’m trying to get perspective. One of the only ways I know how, which is to write it out and share my feelings to all of you. This life moves so quickly, and each day I have a moment where I want to skip it and move past. The crying fit because Hallie is exhausted from the day and I just a have to get her to bed. The times spent alone, waiting for my husband to come home. The tired mornings that I wish I could skip this new workout crap I started and just be lazy for once. But the thing is; I’m coming to realize, that we don’t have any extra time to skip over the not-so-pleasant moments, because everything we do, everything that bugs us and everything we love, it all runs together in this thing called life. We don’t have any moments to waste, because they go away far too quickly.

With Christmas season here, I encourage you to all slow down and breathe in what makes you happy. Put your phones down, turn down the noise of the day and take a good look around you, This precious time will be gone soon, just as these moments that will soon fade to memories. 

Hallie doing some traditional cookie fun! 

Winter is here! A shot from this morning
out my kitchen window.

Marriage

A blinking curser is how these entries always begin. Sitting down when the house has been closed down for the night and both my babies are breathing slowly, soundly. The house is quiet and all I can hear is my own fingers, typing beneath me.

            

My husband drives a truck for a living and most of his hours are spent at night, driving a big rig down what seems like an endless road. Yellow and white lines surrounded by dark pavement and even darker sky. I often find myself sitting here in bed, feeling a bit guilty as he’s off providing for us and I’m here, in our warm bed. I pray for him, think of him and try my best to care for him when he’s here, home with us. For many of you who’ve known me personally, it wasn’t that many years ago that Jon and I were in high-school, labeled as young teenagers in love, now, we’re trekking through this life together, in a journey that I’m sure was destined to be ours.

            

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about my marriage and my relationship with Jon. It’s been 8 years since I’ve loved this guy. We’ve learned so much about each other and in return learned a lot about ourselves. It began so juvenile and fun and somewhere in between sped up and became real and full of responsibility. These many nights that I spend by-myself, I often think of the early days and though they are sure to bring a smile, a sigh usually isn’t far behind. Oh, the simple days. They came and went so quickly for us, mostly because of the decisions we made. At a time where many of my friends were in college and dating around, Jon and I were settling down and becoming parents. It’s easy to get frustrated but I usually come to terms when I think of our Hallie. Our first born that has added so much life and love in to our hearts and lives.

            

The thing about becoming parents so young is our relationship didn’t get the time that many do. We obviously had the fun stage where we went to movies and made out in the back. (Sorry Dad) We had the serious stage where we had been together for a couple years and we got to talk about all the what-ifs. We even had a year to be in college and be ‘free.’ Driving around our old cars and staying up way too late. But somewhere in that stage it ended with a pregnancy and a real quick ‘I do.’

           

Now that I’ve had some time to really look back on all of our ‘stages’ and live in this stage that we’re in now, for a while, I have some truths that I’ve found.

            

This marriage thing isn’t for the weak. Ever notice that the fairy tales always end at the wedding part? Yeah, that isn’t a coincidence my friends. I say this jokingly because even though marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done it’s also one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. Marriage takes work; it takes dedication and deep breathes. I don’t know about you but I really hate confrontation. Though, I’ve learned that it’s a necessity in a marriage. Stay with me here, I promise I’m getting to my point.

In this marriage journey that Jon and I have been on together, we’ve fought so many times I can’t even count. But we’ve always forgiven each other and moved on, moved forward. Jon’s no perfect man for sure (ha!) and I’m no perfect woman, but somewhere between the two of us we’ve found a balance. We’ve found a safe place with each other that we always come back to whenever we fight. Without a confrontation or messy fight that caused some pain and tears, I don’t think we would ever recognize that balance we create by being together and by being a team in this sport called life. So in this stage of parent-hood, I feel pretty confident that we’ll make it through alright. We’ll be weathered and we’ll be tired but I know that we’ll be together.

            

So even though we ducked out of the more juvenile stages a little early and they didn’t last as long as I would have chosen, it doesn’t mean it was the end for us. I think it’s actually the opposite. It was the beginning of us. It was the beginning of this rewarding journey of perseverance and love. I’m sure with time there will be a lot more lonely nights, fights and arguments, but with that comes the good stuff too. The laughter, the memories and a life-time spent working toward loving each other more than we did yesterday.

Back in the younger care-free years

Us Now <3 

Finding The Joy in the Mess

Honestly, how can you say no to
 picking up this sweet boy? 

            It’s a relaxing Saturday afternoon over here in the country. With the steady hum of my neighbor mowing his lawn and both my kids napping, I decided it was a perfect time to sit down and take a moment to be with my blog. Moments like this happen few and far between, as my kids are growing and changing, their needs are growing and changing as well, which means my needs tend to hit the back burner. I’m adjusting to this new-found sacrifice. When you become a Mother, you quickly realize how much of you, ends up going to your kids, it’s been such an interesting and telling experience for me as I’ve transitioned to two. Whereas before finding a couple moments to myself were almost a guarantee, now, I can go a couple days without really finding a moment to catch my breath. Both kids are on their own schedules, and it’s up to me to find a balance.

           

As many of you know now, when I sit down to craft a blog, I never really know what’s going to spill out on to the page. It’s an interesting way of finding what’s been stewing inside me, but nevertheless, It always ends up being some sort of awakening in this journey I’m on. Lately, my struggles have been finding a balance between routine and life. They go hand in hand, for a person like me. I’m the type of person who opens up the notes app on their iPhone just to write out the ‘perfect’ schedule for BOTH my 3 month old and 3 year old. I always end up finding it months later, chuckling at its inaccuracy. As if my child sits down at exactly 8:30am to eat a hearty breakfast before we run a bunch of efficient errands. The idea is so nice. The reality is that I give my kid a granola bar and a juice box because that’s all she will eat and run around between the time of 8am-11am trying to get ready, stopping every  5 minutes to help someone pee or change a diaper. This season of my life is so hectic and though routine is a nice thought, it always ends up becoming less of a routine and more of an ‘idea.’  Some nights I collapse on the couch at 10pm and wonder where the 8pm bedtime I created in my head went. I end up feeling defeated and almost label the day as a failure.

But hold up.

Yes, I created this routine and it would be so nice if my 3 year old napped within the right times and the baby ate every 3 hours like he’s supposed to. But that’s now how it is. That’s not life. Life is; waking up to a toddler at 5am telling you she’s hungry. Life is; picking up the baby instead of blow-drying your hair, because he doesn’t care if your hair looks good, he just wants his mama. Life is; letting your baby girl nap at 5pm, even though you know she isn’t going to want to sleep at a reasonable time tonight. It’s messy. It’s not perfect. It doesn’t fit in to a perfect itinerary, like I think it should.

For me, a routine is a great thing but as I’ve learned in this season of my life, it shouldn’t be everything. It shouldn’t make me angry or resentful if it doesn’t happen the way I thought it should.  

My kids are growing and changing which means I need to be doing the same. This is their childhood and how hurt I would be if I realized they thought of me as this uptight Mother who constricted their days, in to a make-believe routine that couldn’t be broken. Even though I’ve had some difficult days and even more difficult nights with kids that won’t sleep, I’ve learned that sometimes in the middle of the mess, memories are born and bonds are strengthened. 

So as the afternoon turns to evening and my Hallie bug wakes up from her super long, late in the day, nap, I will greet her with a hug and ask her what Disney movie she wants to watch tonight. Because life can be so beautiful if we just learn to let things go and find the joy in midst of the mess. 

A napping Hallie <3

"You're goin' to miss this"

            As many of you know by now, this blog has evolved quite a bit, since I started almost 4 years ago. Each entry represents a part of my journey, my thoughts as I was going through it and my revelations along the way. The beauty of it for me is that I get to document and share so much of what goes on in this heart of mine and usually by the end of each entry, I have a better idea of who I am. Identity is really important when you’re a Mom, because it’s really easy to lose who you are. It’s not so much, losing who you are, but getting to know the person you become as you evolve with your life and the path it takes you.

            

As I grow to be a Mother, I’m finding the true difficulty that comes with giving all that you are to your children and their well-being. We love these little beings so much, but sometimes we hate what happens to us when they test us; at least that’s been my struggle as Hallie finds new ways to test my patience daily. The third-year of her life, has thus far, been the most difficult for me. Her curious ways and strong-willed nature has me going all day long. By the end of the day, and some-days the end of the day stretches way past the time it should, I collapse in defeat and realize I hate who I was all day long. The sharp tone to my voice as I tell her to stop what she’s doing or the way I stomp around picking up all the toys she just spewed all over the place. Some days I’m down right embarrassed at how crazy she makes me, but then again, maybe I’m not the only one?

            

This is tough for me to write, because I’m exposing the part of me that I hate most. It’s a work in progress, and with this blog, I intend to lay it all out in hope to get better.

When I got the idea to start up this entry, I told myself I needed some reminders to think of when she tests me. 

Here’s what I came up with:

1.     There will be a day when she doesn’t come walking in to my room with her blankie wrapped around her head, whispering if she can come cuddle until morning.

2.      There will be a day that she will eat all of the food on her plate, and ask for seconds.

3.      There will be a day that mickey mouse and puzzle pieces (that I step on all day long) is replaced with an iphone or whatever new age device that exists!

4.      There will be a day that she doesn’t splash water all over the bathroom, playing dolls until the water is cold.

5.      There will be a day that she doesn’t ask me to play with her anymore, where she’d rather play with her friends.

These are all things that in the moment, drive me nuts, but writing them all out is making me cry because I don’t want them to ever go away.

So here it is, the thing that I needed to remind myself of most: Don’t be so quick to get sharp with her and when you feel defeated and frustrated, refer back to these reminders, because this time is so short and these things that in the moment cause me to get frustrated and possibly even get angry, they aren't just reminders, they're memories. 

Change

It’s not often I find myself, still and quiet, searching for words to craft in this trusty blog of mine. The bustle of life seems to have gotten the best of me, but tonight, I found myself thoughtful and quiet. Both kids went down for bed with ease and as I sat in our quiet house, my mind began to wander and go back to a familiar state that doesn’t involve sippy cups, Disney movies & grocery lists. I was left to myself and just like that, I found serenity in a quick phone-call with a friend and thoughtfulness that doesn’t come often.

Mother-hood, I’m finding, can be daunting. Daunting isn’t meant to be a negative word in this sense, just difficult. I spend my days in the midst of a routine that’s constantly changing (figure that one out) and as soon as I think I have one thing figured out, another problem awaits my attention. I find so much of my day is dedicated to the ones I love, that I get left for last. I am okay with this, as this is what the early stages of Mother-hood are all about; sacrifice. But evenings like this, where I somehow find my way back to myself, I’m left to lots of self-reflecting and on occasion (like tonight) I get to spend time with myself and that’s everything. Every-time I have nights like these, I find a new person underneath. One who’s changing, growing and evolving with time; which brings me to my topic of this blog, change.

Change; it’s inevitable. Life changes on a dime and we’re left to manage what’s left, each and every time. But are we? I feel like I’m the Queen of change. After landing myself pregnant, married, mother of 1 and then 2, all in three years, yep, I know all about change. I can’t say I’m this wise person that has something to offer whoever’s reading this. I’m just like the rest of you, trying to manage my days the best I know how. But one thing I feel that’s so important to share about the personal experiences I’ve held, is that without a constant in this life that changes so quickly, what do we have? Something that keeps up grounded, when the ground literally shakes. A reminder of what’s important when we’re searching for purpose. And a safe place to visit when nothing around us feels safe. 

I can’t say that I have all the answers but something that’s reigned true each and every time those things happen in my life, is the un-denying peace and order that trusting God and his plan brings to my days. The radiating joy that I felt when I realized that God hand-picked a friend and placed them directly in my path, exactly when I needed one. The peace I feel, when I know there really isn’t a reason to be feeling peace in this chaotic moment. The unexpected order He brings in such a disorganized, string of events. 

I’m not a preacher; I’m not someone who normally would shove their beliefs on to another. I simply just want to share the truth I’ve come to know that’s become the solid foundation of my life. It brings tears to my eyes to finally put in to words what makes this life so beautiful for me. Change isn’t ever expected, but I’ve come to appreciate what it reminds me of, the constant that brings order to this crazy thing called, Life. 

Placing 'Evening' First

            It feels just short of a miracle that I’m able to sit down with the blog tonight. The house is quiet, both kids are sleeping and I’m taking some much needed time to myself. I haven’t been a Mom of two for very long but it feels really great to say that I’m getting the hang of this! It really has been a whirl-wind three weeks, as I realize that just three weeks ago, I was in the hospital, laboring through what was the most difficult, but one of most beautiful days of my life. Cole has been a part of our lives for just 21 days and now I wonder what life was like before. Obviously I remember the day to day differences, but what I mean is, my heart and soul and the true dynamic of our family has changed so much, I can’t imagine it being any different. We’re so happy and we feel completed.

            

After what seemed like a very short time in the hospital, coming home, I realized I was venturing in to uncharted waters and our routine was going to be shaken to its core. Jon went back to work and here I was, sleep deprived, struggling through hormonal emotions and trying so hard to be patient to find our new normal. Tonight as I sit with you, the dishwasher humming and the beautiful peace and quiet that surrounds my home, I feel as if just a few weeks later, we may have arrived.

           

I thrive in an organized, peaceful, environment. So when things get shaken, even when I know it’s coming, I brace myself for them. A few times, as the chaos and unfamiliarity was ripping through my home and my routine, I found myself trying to center myself and really dig deep for feelings that this was OK. I’d say, “Mallory, not everything has to be perfect all the time, just relax, this is ok!”

           

In the midst of one of my personal pep-talks, I fell upon this devotional entry on my bible app. It talked about how we live in a culture where we work all day, and then eventually we might take time to rest in the evening. But this isn’t how God designed us to function. God wants us to order our days with rest as a priority and place our ‘evening’ first. To make time to rest, recharge and refocus, before we take on the day. It really hit me that it’s important to slow down and take time to rest. With all my newfound responsibilities as a Mother of now two kids, it can be almost funny that I’m expected to stop and rest, but it occurred to me that it’s no good for me or either of my babies if I’m stressed, overworked and exhausted.

           

I admit that I’m naturally hard-wired to get up and go, go, go until it’s all done. The problem with that, is when you’re a Mom, the tasks never seem to be completed. Each thing leads to the next and if you don’t put rest first, you’ll never find it. I’m so thankful I fell on that devotional because now I realize why I had such an inner conflict before. I was fighting between myself and what God was trying to tell me. Slow it down, relax and rest. It’s important.

I’m sure this isn’t the last lesson I’ll have as I learn to be a Mother of two, I’m quickly gaining so much respect for my own Mother and every other parent out there that has done this before me. Though this is the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done, it is the most rewarding. 

Cole Roy

            With the relaxing hum of the air conditioner and the smooth glide of my new (used) glider, I feel ready to craft a new and final blog. I say final blog because I imagine this baby that’s been growing in my body for now close to 9 full-months has grown strong enough to make his way out in the ‘real’ world, where he can start on his own little journey called life, and I won’t have time to blog before or after he arrives for a while. This blog has served so many purposes for me in the past, as most of you have followed right along with me and maybe by now know that I always put a little (okay maybe a lot) of pressure on each entry. This entry is a big one though, because it’s the last page in a chapter I’ve been sharing for 3 years. I’ve been on this journey called, ‘Motherhood’ for a while now and I’m about to shake things up by adding another piece to my journey. Another child! What a privilege. What an exciting thing to be able to say, that I am blessed enough to be able to care for another little baby from the time he enters this world, until the time I leave it. I don’t take it lightly and now that I’ve seen the marvel, the difficulty and the gift that being a Mother truly is, I take it a little more seriously than I did with my first. Live and learn, right?

            So, I am now 10 days or less from his arrival date, and as much as I’ve physically and emotionally struggled through this pregnancy, I’m taking a moment to breathe. Breathe through my swollen feet and intrudingly large belly, and just breathe in this life I lead. There are a lot of special things that take place when a child enters the world. People join together, people bond; the world slows down a bit and then speeds up somewhere in between. When I brought my Hallie home from the hospital, the peaceful days following, that I spent holding her and getting to know her were telling for me. Our families came together in a way that I still can’t fully explain and it never really stopped. I smile at the idea of what another baby will bring to our family.

            So as things unwind and I prepare for the birth of our second child, I’m remembering to breathe. Breathe in the moments before our lives shift and change and I’m trying to remember to savor the days for what they are, in all their imperfections and discomfort. For everyone that has been there for me in the last 9 months and will continue to be in the upcoming chapter of my journey, thank you! You make my life so special and you all ground me in ways that shape me in to being a better Mother for my Hallie and my soon to be Son, Cole.

            As this chapter comes to a close, my house is quiet and my bags are packed. As my eyes scan the room, I can’t help but imagine the difference that will usher its way in, as we bring another life in to our cozy little home. So as I wait, imagine and try to mentally prepare for the labor of bringing him in to this world, I’ll try my best to be patient. Until then, I’m out as Mallory, mother of one!! 

Thought I'd share a memory from the first few moments with Hallie Grace. 7/6/14