Lost

It’s a balmy, humid morning over here in the country. I awoke early to the sound of my 4 year old, telling me it was morning and time to wake up! I invited her to climb up in to the empty space my husband leaves when he’s off on the road, and handed her my iPhone to occupy her for just a few more minutes of peace and quiet.

After the kids finally woke up for the day, still groggy, I stood from the bed and my legs and back creaked, as I made my way down the hall to my son. Hallie skipping past me, up on her perch- which is a little black storage box that stands next to Cole’s changing table, she stood there and sang to Cole as I changed his diaper. My eyes were still feeling sticky and tired- I thought to myself- how do little kids have so much energy so early? I made my way out to the kitchen which instantly felt hot and humid. The AC had been off all night. I poured each child their morning cup of watered down OJ and started the Keurig. It was a pretty average morning, but I felt differently.

What I haven’t shared, is that lately my heart and mind have been ridden with anxiety. I’ve felt  run down and exhausted. I’ve snapped on my kids on multiple occasions, for just being kids. I’ve been running around my house and my life feeling spread thin-going from task to task, getting more and more anxious along the way. My kids have been getting my worst and I feel horrible about that.

Last night I had a moment of frustration, I had made it through another day- feeling as if my head was spinning all day long. I was tired, irritated and confused as to how I got to be this bad. I felt so guilty. I missed who I had been long ago, happy-go-lucky, driving around my little white car, with the windows down and feeling as if nothing was wrong. Enjoying my day and every interaction I had throughout it. My existence had become this tightly wound Mother who didn’t even recognize who I was anymore. I was literally laying on my floor in defeat; Partially because I couldn’t find the TV remote but also because I felt as if my back was carrying the weight of all of these emotions, and I had no idea  how to get up and feel better about who I was.

Heavy stuff…and I’m sorry to lay it all out. But this morning when I woke up, something inside me clicked. I swiftly walked over to a basket where I keep all my notebooks and other papers, and searched all the way to the bottom for my little black book. It’s a notebook I’ve been keeping since October of 2015. I write prayers in it, and I realized that I hadn’t seen it in months. Conveniently placed right next to it was my bible.

With my kids playing in the other room, I sat down and flipped to the last entry. May 12, 2018.  Are you kidding me? Has it been that long since I’ve sat down with the Lord and really tried to connect? In disbelief, I grabbed it and sat down at my kitchen table. I scribbled out where I had been in my life and the things I was feeling and as I was writing, it occurred to me that Satan had such a hold on my life and I was so blinded by my tasks and schedule that I didn’t even notice what an ugly person it had turned me in to. I got up and hugged my kids and I sent a quick text to my husband. “I’m so sorry.”

This is who I am without the grace and love of Jesus in my life. I become tired and irritated and I start thinking back to times in my life that seemed perfect and long for them and I miss out on the beauty that is in my life right now. Not only does Satan put up blinders, he tricks us in to thinking what we have isn’t enough and isn’t enough to make us happy.

After this long-winded blog, I am thankful for the wakeup call that God so graciously gave me this morning. I cannot wait to move forward today with this peaceful and clearer state of mind. I don’t need to lay in bed and wish for a few more minutes of peace and quiet, I need to rise and seek out the one who is the truth and the reason for life. Rise and give me Jesus.

The Little Black Book 

Big Beautiful Fruit

I sit down with you early; Cole has found a new found love of waking up as the sun does, so it’s the ripe hour of 6:15am. I must be getting used to it though, as I woke clear and ready to go this morning. To me, there has always been something so promising in the early morning hours. They are usually quiet, accompanied by warm, sweet coffee.

In this journey of Mother-hood, I’ve always sought out better ways to do things. Whether its shop for household goods, better ways to organize our never-ending stuff or just emotional support to find that you’re not the only Mom struggling with things. I’m here to say, boldly, that mother-hood is boss. We grind, we hustle and we learn to do it well. BUT sometimes we learn to do this so well, that we forget that it’s okay to let a few things fall away so the things we do spend our time on, thrive and flourish.

God has blessed me with many people in my life. One of which is my sweet friend Courtney. A fellow Mom hustler of her four beautiful children, I’ve come to love so much in this past year. Courtney and I connected on Instagram and discovered not only that we have a ton in common but we live 2 miles from each other. I call THAT a God thing. I was delighted! FRIENDS! They are so rich for the soil of life. What better way to move forward in my journey than to find a fellow Mom to connect with. On many occasions, you’ll find me perched on her sunny deck, with an iced tea, while we chat about life, God & motherhood. It’s glorious. Not only is she a great Mom but she seeks the Lord’s direction for her life which are the absolute best friends to have. She recently shared something with me that will stay with me and I just have to pass a long to the rest of you, she said, “Prune back your tree so that the fruit that it bears is good.” Let me elaborate.

I was sitting on her deck, sharing how stressed I was, all of a sudden I was finding myself over-loaded with ‘things,’ kid activities, chores, cleaning jobs, time with my family, time with friends. How do I juggle it all? Refer above to the bold sentence. She blew my mind and it has been on repeat for about a week now.

Isn’t it the truth though? We pack our lives with so many things that demand our attention that it becomes humanly impossible to do well in all these tasks we’ve lined up. So you end up exhausted, burnt out & doing things with a lack of energy and desire. I’m on a mission this Summer to be 100% intentional about what I choose to spend my time doing, so the things I DO, have my full attention and I can ENJOY. It can be really hard, you may feel at times you are letting people down or disappointing people because they want you to do things. But I’ve decided, others aren’t the one that have to make this happen. YOU do. My kids deserve a Mom who has a smile on her face because she knows the difference between hustling and drowning. I choose happiness and big beautiful ‘fruit.’

God loves us all so much that he wants us to enjoy the fruit that he blesses us with. Our kids, our families, our friends and ultimately our lives. We owe it Him for blessing us so dearly, to give our very best to what he's bestowed on us. So lets shed some of the unnecessary to truly enjoy the rest. 

Our silly girls playing on her deck :) 

Pressing Pause

I originally got on my computer to look for coupons, but I somehow ended up sitting in front of a blinking curser. It’s early on this Tuesday morning, the snow is falling outside my kitchen window and I’m strategically placed in the chair right next to the heat, sipping on my second cup of coffee. I don’t exactly know why I’m here writing, but I can only assume it’s time to scribble out my latest findings in this journey of Mother-hood.

           

To my friends and family, it’s no secret I’ve been struggling in the many complicated feelings and emotions that early Mother-hood brings. These two kids have become my night and day, needing things on a daily basis I never knew I was capable of providing, but yet here I am. I lose count of the many tasks that I juggle in one day. As I write this, I’ve gotten up to fluff the laundry while I helped Hallie use the bathroom and scooped up a fussy Cole up off the floor and in to his car seat, to sit next to me. My day consists of task after task after task.

But wait.

There is certainly a lot to juggle and my day does seem to consist of an endless amount of chores and tasks to keep up with, but I’ve found it’s important to stop, often. It’s important to stop the running from thing to thing, because the ‘things’ will always be there. I’ll always be behind and trying to catch up. With my personality, it’s hard to sit down when there is a lot to be done, it’s been wired in me since I could remember, and as efficient and put-together as I may seem from the outside, it wares me on the inside. I miss out on things daily because of my grind and it often catches up to me in the evening hours as I collapse, feeling exhausted and diminished.

            

This journey I’m on is so full of lessons; I can’t even keep track of them all. This blog serves many purposes but it’s most important one is to look back on the important lessons and remember them and why they changed me and pushed me to be better a Mother, Wife and person. This one is simple and its one I’ve been working on because it goes against my nature, but it so incredibly important.

STOP.

 Stop rushing around your every-day life and breathe the moments in. The efforts I put in to the house and our lives are important but they aren’t everything. They don’t come before my sanity and my kid’s attention. The simple moments of lying on the floor and doing a puzzle with my child, the times I push my shower even farther in to the afternoon, to just cuddle and watch a movie with my kids and when we’re out running errands, it’s okay to take my time. It’s okay to just turn the radio up, sing songs with my kids and enjoy this life I’m bringing them up in. They deserve a Mom who doesn’t see them as a burden but enjoys her time she gets to spend with them. I’m working on it.

So today along with the following ones to come, I’m going to work on slowing my pace down and just letting the tasks sit for a while, because they are sure to be there when I get back

This Is It...

Just like that, it’s winter. Seasons tend to change so quickly when you’re an adult, no matter where you are in your life. I can certainly attest that it seems to move so much faster when you become a parent, spending your days caring for your children. You go from being pregnant to changing diapers, to sitting up and then walking. Each milestone comes and goes and then all of a sudden you have these memories behind you and you can’t seem to catch up. I wasn’t planning on writing tonight, but then again, these entries tend to craft themselves no matter what plans I had prior. I stood in my living room, the house quiet and mostly dark, except for a few lights I leave on for Jon, when he arrives home late from a work run. The world feels still. I don’t have the TV playing Disney. The baby is sound asleep not needing to be fed, soothed or changed. My house is clean, ready for the next morning and all of a sudden I find myself standing dead center in the middle of my living room, looking up at my mantel. Pictures of my last 5 years, staring back at me. Then I turn my attention to my Christmas tree, unplugged and dark but still twinkling from the light coming from the kitchen. It’s almost Christmas and I have a three year old and now a 5 month old.

Time has an interesting way of creeping up on us. As I gaze out the window to the snow, softly falling, I can’t help but compare the two. One minute you blink and the snow has stopped, it’s the same with time. I blinked and I’m 23 with two kids and a husband.  

With the Christmas season here, especially celebrating in our first home, I can’t help but try to slow the time down a little. I have such wonderful memories of the lights, the Christmas tree, holiday food and music. Sharing all my favorite traditions with my own family has been the most special and meaningful thing to me. Jon and I recently had a moment together, where we couldn’t believe that this life was ours and we we’re blessed enough to be together, living it out.

Most of the time, when I sit down to write out an entry, I have no clue what on earth my point is and it always ends up coming to light by the end. Tonight, as I sit with you, I’m trying to get perspective. One of the only ways I know how, which is to write it out and share my feelings to all of you. This life moves so quickly, and each day I have a moment where I want to skip it and move past. The crying fit because Hallie is exhausted from the day and I just a have to get her to bed. The times spent alone, waiting for my husband to come home. The tired mornings that I wish I could skip this new workout crap I started and just be lazy for once. But the thing is; I’m coming to realize, that we don’t have any extra time to skip over the not-so-pleasant moments, because everything we do, everything that bugs us and everything we love, it all runs together in this thing called life. We don’t have any moments to waste, because they go away far too quickly.

With Christmas season here, I encourage you to all slow down and breathe in what makes you happy. Put your phones down, turn down the noise of the day and take a good look around you, This precious time will be gone soon, just as these moments that will soon fade to memories. 

Hallie doing some traditional cookie fun! 

Winter is here! A shot from this morning
out my kitchen window.

Marriage

A blinking curser is how these entries always begin. Sitting down when the house has been closed down for the night and both my babies are breathing slowly, soundly. The house is quiet and all I can hear is my own fingers, typing beneath me.

            

My husband drives a truck for a living and most of his hours are spent at night, driving a big rig down what seems like an endless road. Yellow and white lines surrounded by dark pavement and even darker sky. I often find myself sitting here in bed, feeling a bit guilty as he’s off providing for us and I’m here, in our warm bed. I pray for him, think of him and try my best to care for him when he’s here, home with us. For many of you who’ve known me personally, it wasn’t that many years ago that Jon and I were in high-school, labeled as young teenagers in love, now, we’re trekking through this life together, in a journey that I’m sure was destined to be ours.

            

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about my marriage and my relationship with Jon. It’s been 8 years since I’ve loved this guy. We’ve learned so much about each other and in return learned a lot about ourselves. It began so juvenile and fun and somewhere in between sped up and became real and full of responsibility. These many nights that I spend by-myself, I often think of the early days and though they are sure to bring a smile, a sigh usually isn’t far behind. Oh, the simple days. They came and went so quickly for us, mostly because of the decisions we made. At a time where many of my friends were in college and dating around, Jon and I were settling down and becoming parents. It’s easy to get frustrated but I usually come to terms when I think of our Hallie. Our first born that has added so much life and love in to our hearts and lives.

            

The thing about becoming parents so young is our relationship didn’t get the time that many do. We obviously had the fun stage where we went to movies and made out in the back. (Sorry Dad) We had the serious stage where we had been together for a couple years and we got to talk about all the what-ifs. We even had a year to be in college and be ‘free.’ Driving around our old cars and staying up way too late. But somewhere in that stage it ended with a pregnancy and a real quick ‘I do.’

           

Now that I’ve had some time to really look back on all of our ‘stages’ and live in this stage that we’re in now, for a while, I have some truths that I’ve found.

            

This marriage thing isn’t for the weak. Ever notice that the fairy tales always end at the wedding part? Yeah, that isn’t a coincidence my friends. I say this jokingly because even though marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done it’s also one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. Marriage takes work; it takes dedication and deep breathes. I don’t know about you but I really hate confrontation. Though, I’ve learned that it’s a necessity in a marriage. Stay with me here, I promise I’m getting to my point.

In this marriage journey that Jon and I have been on together, we’ve fought so many times I can’t even count. But we’ve always forgiven each other and moved on, moved forward. Jon’s no perfect man for sure (ha!) and I’m no perfect woman, but somewhere between the two of us we’ve found a balance. We’ve found a safe place with each other that we always come back to whenever we fight. Without a confrontation or messy fight that caused some pain and tears, I don’t think we would ever recognize that balance we create by being together and by being a team in this sport called life. So in this stage of parent-hood, I feel pretty confident that we’ll make it through alright. We’ll be weathered and we’ll be tired but I know that we’ll be together.

            

So even though we ducked out of the more juvenile stages a little early and they didn’t last as long as I would have chosen, it doesn’t mean it was the end for us. I think it’s actually the opposite. It was the beginning of us. It was the beginning of this rewarding journey of perseverance and love. I’m sure with time there will be a lot more lonely nights, fights and arguments, but with that comes the good stuff too. The laughter, the memories and a life-time spent working toward loving each other more than we did yesterday.

Back in the younger care-free years

Us Now <3 

Finding The Joy in the Mess

Honestly, how can you say no to
 picking up this sweet boy? 

            It’s a relaxing Saturday afternoon over here in the country. With the steady hum of my neighbor mowing his lawn and both my kids napping, I decided it was a perfect time to sit down and take a moment to be with my blog. Moments like this happen few and far between, as my kids are growing and changing, their needs are growing and changing as well, which means my needs tend to hit the back burner. I’m adjusting to this new-found sacrifice. When you become a Mother, you quickly realize how much of you, ends up going to your kids, it’s been such an interesting and telling experience for me as I’ve transitioned to two. Whereas before finding a couple moments to myself were almost a guarantee, now, I can go a couple days without really finding a moment to catch my breath. Both kids are on their own schedules, and it’s up to me to find a balance.

           

As many of you know now, when I sit down to craft a blog, I never really know what’s going to spill out on to the page. It’s an interesting way of finding what’s been stewing inside me, but nevertheless, It always ends up being some sort of awakening in this journey I’m on. Lately, my struggles have been finding a balance between routine and life. They go hand in hand, for a person like me. I’m the type of person who opens up the notes app on their iPhone just to write out the ‘perfect’ schedule for BOTH my 3 month old and 3 year old. I always end up finding it months later, chuckling at its inaccuracy. As if my child sits down at exactly 8:30am to eat a hearty breakfast before we run a bunch of efficient errands. The idea is so nice. The reality is that I give my kid a granola bar and a juice box because that’s all she will eat and run around between the time of 8am-11am trying to get ready, stopping every  5 minutes to help someone pee or change a diaper. This season of my life is so hectic and though routine is a nice thought, it always ends up becoming less of a routine and more of an ‘idea.’  Some nights I collapse on the couch at 10pm and wonder where the 8pm bedtime I created in my head went. I end up feeling defeated and almost label the day as a failure.

But hold up.

Yes, I created this routine and it would be so nice if my 3 year old napped within the right times and the baby ate every 3 hours like he’s supposed to. But that’s now how it is. That’s not life. Life is; waking up to a toddler at 5am telling you she’s hungry. Life is; picking up the baby instead of blow-drying your hair, because he doesn’t care if your hair looks good, he just wants his mama. Life is; letting your baby girl nap at 5pm, even though you know she isn’t going to want to sleep at a reasonable time tonight. It’s messy. It’s not perfect. It doesn’t fit in to a perfect itinerary, like I think it should.

For me, a routine is a great thing but as I’ve learned in this season of my life, it shouldn’t be everything. It shouldn’t make me angry or resentful if it doesn’t happen the way I thought it should.  

My kids are growing and changing which means I need to be doing the same. This is their childhood and how hurt I would be if I realized they thought of me as this uptight Mother who constricted their days, in to a make-believe routine that couldn’t be broken. Even though I’ve had some difficult days and even more difficult nights with kids that won’t sleep, I’ve learned that sometimes in the middle of the mess, memories are born and bonds are strengthened. 

So as the afternoon turns to evening and my Hallie bug wakes up from her super long, late in the day, nap, I will greet her with a hug and ask her what Disney movie she wants to watch tonight. Because life can be so beautiful if we just learn to let things go and find the joy in midst of the mess. 

A napping Hallie <3

"You're goin' to miss this"

            As many of you know by now, this blog has evolved quite a bit, since I started almost 4 years ago. Each entry represents a part of my journey, my thoughts as I was going through it and my revelations along the way. The beauty of it for me is that I get to document and share so much of what goes on in this heart of mine and usually by the end of each entry, I have a better idea of who I am. Identity is really important when you’re a Mom, because it’s really easy to lose who you are. It’s not so much, losing who you are, but getting to know the person you become as you evolve with your life and the path it takes you.

            

As I grow to be a Mother, I’m finding the true difficulty that comes with giving all that you are to your children and their well-being. We love these little beings so much, but sometimes we hate what happens to us when they test us; at least that’s been my struggle as Hallie finds new ways to test my patience daily. The third-year of her life, has thus far, been the most difficult for me. Her curious ways and strong-willed nature has me going all day long. By the end of the day, and some-days the end of the day stretches way past the time it should, I collapse in defeat and realize I hate who I was all day long. The sharp tone to my voice as I tell her to stop what she’s doing or the way I stomp around picking up all the toys she just spewed all over the place. Some days I’m down right embarrassed at how crazy she makes me, but then again, maybe I’m not the only one?

            

This is tough for me to write, because I’m exposing the part of me that I hate most. It’s a work in progress, and with this blog, I intend to lay it all out in hope to get better.

When I got the idea to start up this entry, I told myself I needed some reminders to think of when she tests me. 

Here’s what I came up with:

1.     There will be a day when she doesn’t come walking in to my room with her blankie wrapped around her head, whispering if she can come cuddle until morning.

2.      There will be a day that she will eat all of the food on her plate, and ask for seconds.

3.      There will be a day that mickey mouse and puzzle pieces (that I step on all day long) is replaced with an iphone or whatever new age device that exists!

4.      There will be a day that she doesn’t splash water all over the bathroom, playing dolls until the water is cold.

5.      There will be a day that she doesn’t ask me to play with her anymore, where she’d rather play with her friends.

These are all things that in the moment, drive me nuts, but writing them all out is making me cry because I don’t want them to ever go away.

So here it is, the thing that I needed to remind myself of most: Don’t be so quick to get sharp with her and when you feel defeated and frustrated, refer back to these reminders, because this time is so short and these things that in the moment cause me to get frustrated and possibly even get angry, they aren't just reminders, they're memories.