The Isolation Cloud

It’s a bright and sunny morning over here in the country. Hallie and I are home enjoying the quiet morning, her playing with playdough while I’m retreating to my kitchen table with a lot on my heart.

 I feel a sense of urgency when it comes to the topic of isolation. Isolation that follows us mothers around like a dark cloud. We are happy in the sense that we have these beautiful gifts from God; we have a roof over our heads and in some cases even have husbands that provide so we can be here with our children. Looking after them, raising them up and keeping our households together with clean laundry and a growing grocery list. The tasks seem to never end and we have to train ourselves to make time for things like friendships, alone time with our spouse, heck – shaving our legs. But we have this thing that follows us around, hounds us in to thinking we need more and we seek these things feverishly. Play dates, church groups, part-time jobs. We NEED people. Isolation can be toxic for our hearts and minds. We crave human attention and someone to challenge us in to thinking and feeling things other than the everyday ho-hum that happens within the four walls of our homes. 

This is something that I’ve been struggling with off and on since my daughter was born in July 2014. There has been such conflict within me, a persistent conversation I have between myself and I, where I scold myself for feeling these things. Needing more that is. “Why isn’t my family enough for me?” “Why am I so ungrateful?” These are all questions that I’ve tossed in and around my heart. I’ve come to a settling conclusion that it’s okay to feel these things! It’s natural. The reason I felt compelled to sit down and finally shed a little light on these personal feelings, was because I have an inkling that I’m not alone in this.

We Moms are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We push through all of those messy emotions, we pour in to our children’s lives by obsessing over the little details and we try our hardest to maintain healthy relationships with our husbands. It’s a wide battlefield but we get up and face the front lines each and every day. I’m proud to finally stand up and express the intricate feelings I’ve harbored for so long. Ladies this is me encouraging you that it’s time to stop feeling bad about our feelings and to remember that it’s important to make time for ourselves.

So how do we conquer the constant isolation that can creep up on us and discourage us in our journey through motherhood? I truly believe, realistically, it’s always going to be a constant struggle, but if we turn to things like church groups meant for mothers and children and make time to call up a friend and fellowship over coffee, that the dark cloud of isolation may grow a little smaller and become more manageable.

Prayer has also been my best friend. There will always be days where you feel like you’ve been doing the same thing over and over again- endless chores and responsibilities. I’ve found that the best days I have are the days I started off asking God for strength and journaling my struggles- getting them out in the open right in front of God and myself. Something about sitting down for a quiet couple of minutes really helped me identify what was bothering me. This changed things for me because I knew that it wasn’t all these chores and the constant demands of being a Mother that was bothering me, which shifted my attitude in a big way.

The day lies before me, and we both look forward to that hour when daddy walks through the front door and we will be 3 again. There were mornings not that long ago where I felt despair and a heavy heart, tired of the loneliness that seemed to take over- but this morning I don’t feel lonely at all. The sun shines bright in my kitchen and my heart is content knowing I have the whole day to enjoy this short season of motherhood that I’m in.

~~~

A friend of mine shared this verse with me yesterday and its proven to really speak to my heart and encourage me turn to God for EVERYTHING- no matter how silly our problems may feel. 

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."

John 15:7

 

Learning to Respect Normal

            I’m sitting here with you with a full heart and a very chaotic mind. This week has been one for the record books and I’ve felt it’s definitely blog worthy. The thing about Mother-hood that always seems to surprise me, is how much I’m constantly learning. It’s a learning curve that seems to never end. I feel like since the day I found out I was pregnant with her, she has been teaching me things I never knew I needed to learn, but I guess that’s the true, beautiful thing about mother-hood, or really parent-hood. You’re faced with challenge after challenge and you’re forced to accept them because the outcome is just so precious. It’s a test you can’t fail, as long as you try your very best. Anyway- this thoughtful blog about parenthood stems from a very frustrating week filled with mixed emotions, sickness and a lot of LAUNDRY.

Monday morning before the sun even rose, I was in my daughter’s room trying to coax her back to sleep so she could wake at a reasonable hour for her schedule and mine! As I’m rocking my daughter, I began to worry as she seemed to be gagging. I flicked on the lamp and sure enough as the light shed throughout the room, so did a nice film of soggy vomit- All over mommy. Instantly awakened, I start undressing her and run her in to the bathroom where we quickly got the soggy clothes off of her and placed her in a warm tub; naturally I was concerned. This was my first true sickness since she’s been born and I had no idea how to handle it. Luckily my mom instincts took charge and we made it through the morning with a couple accidents but mostly snuggles and sips of water.

The real fun began when my husband came home Monday afternoon with an upset stomach. Yes, I’m sure you guessed it. The stomach flu began to surge through our household, taking us out one by one. As I tried to manage caring for now two sick loved ones, I disinfected, scrubbed my hands until they were red and popped airborne tablets like candy. We made it through Monday.

Tuesday was my turn. A long day in bed, partially on the bathroom floor, it was now my husband’s turn to care for our little one as I hurled this flu out of me. At one point I remember lying on the bathroom floor thinking to myself how badly I wanted to be better to care for my sick child, crying outside my bedroom door. It’s hard. Something I’ve dreaded experiencing, I got too first hand on Tuesday. My husband doing his best to care for her while not feeling great himself, I could hear my house getting messy and my daughter whining from discomfort and all I could do was lye there and pray to feel better.

Wednesday and Thursday were a bit different. As quickly as the bug tore through our home it ran on to attack its next victims. We tried our best to get back to a normal state and with me not feeling 100%, I did my best to move on and get back to my regular duties.

This week, obviously, was a tough one. I had to dig deep on many occasions to get  to that next task. Whether it was trying to get comfortable during my illness or cleaning up my daughter for the umpteenth time or even picking up the after-math.  It all came with a heavy burden that made me really appreciate my health and the ‘normal’ I am blessed to call mine. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but I can say that I learned something out of the Pukefest of 2016. I learned to respect normal. That even though I may not want to go to work or I complain to my husband about having to vacuum the car seat for the 4^th time that week, that it could be worse and I need to hold my tongue and RESPECT our normal.

Mallory 

A Toxic Situation

            It’s been too long since I’ve had a little blogging therapy and tonight I’d say is shaping up to be a perfect night to do just that. So much has changed since I’ve last sat down with you and I’m grateful as ever to be sharing these new details of my life with you. We have successfully moved away from a toxic situation in to a new situation that’s proven to be exactly what my family needed.

            Towards the end of February we began to pack up our apartment to venture across counties and back in to the country where my heart has always belonged. I can’t explain the love I have for long county roads and tree lines that don’t break often but it’s there and I can only say embracing it has made my heart happy. We live in a little house off of route 12 and I’ve been bustling about for a month now trying to make it feel like a home. The kind of home that I grew up in, where home cooked meals were always on the menu and the sound of evening TV always seemed to soothe the soul. We’ve settled in to a new routine and life is good and relatively stress free again.

            I mentioned a toxic situation prior to us moving on and was in fact the reason we decided to move so quickly. It was unfortunate and the way we were treated after putting up with so much was not pleasant and I’ve been silently coping with the abruptness of how everything went down. My character was questioned when I worked so hard to maintain it. My faith was made fun of when I clung to it. It was a lot to handle and even more difficult when I had no home to feel at home at. It’s taken a good month to mentally get over how I was treated and I can now come to the blog and lay out what I took away from this life lesson.

Sometimes people fall short and they treat you really bad. Rather than wave your fist back at them and try to maintain your point- don’t. Walk away with your held high and your dignity in tact because that is way more important than trying to make your point to a person that can’t listen.

I know a lot of this is mysterious and I can’t get in to details but I can say that no matter what we face in life, the hardest of situations can be handled with grace. Look up to God and hold your head high- higher than the problem at hand. God’s way always prevails!

With all that being said, I’m so excited to move forward in this new home. God provided in such a BIG way. He didn’t let me win the fight and he didn’t allow me to get the last word in- because that’s not what’s important. What’s important is he paved the way for me to find new beginnings and learn from the past. As I sit here in this quiet corner of my new home, I see him in every part and I feel so much peace knowing I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

*I've had a couple questions wondering if this 'toxic situation' has anything to do with my marriage. Jon and I are happily married and he's been right beside us during our move to this beautiful country home. The situation refers to the place we were living and the people that were renting us the apartment we left. Due to the nature of kinship my ex- landlord and I hold, I decided not to provide details. 

Turning the page to a new chapter

            The more I venture through this life, the more I question why I wanted to grow up so bad. The pressure of making adult decisions and wondering if they are the right ones to get you to the future in one piece is always nerve wracking. Thankfully, walking through this life with a firm belief that God is steering me with his mighty hand is enough to put my big girl pants on and make the tough decisions when it counts. These past few months we’ve felt that it was time to move on from our current home in B-ville and search for a new home better equipped for my noisy toddler and evolving needs as a growing family. As a young couple we aren’t in a position to purchase a home yet so we set out to find the ‘perfect’ rental in hopes God would make the right place evident. It took months. Months of worry, prayer, wondering if this was the right move. As time passed and options widdled away, I began to feel frantic. I remember countless, quiet mornings I would look to my bible and plea with God for a clear sign. We continued to sit on our hands and muddle through life, hopeful.

            Now the twist to this personal story is that following a joking conversation with my sister, we began to consider making the move with her. With her at cross-road in life and us desperately seeking for a place to feel at home, we began the search together. With a couple of stressful weeks, craigslist scammers and countless texts and calls to strangers, we ended up at a cute little home on county route 12. It became clear to all of us after our tour that this place was the one and the three of us graciously shook hands with our new landlord.

I can’t begin to express the relief of finally knowing what the future holds. It’s a scary transition but exciting one as we venture through this new chapter in our life. And even more exciting I get to share this chapter with my older sister. I hold where we live very close to my heart and I don’t take it lightly. This new home will be where memories are made, where I raise Hallie in her toddler years and I’m sure many laughs and life lessons will be held.

An update is sure to come for you all, but until then I will be furiously organizing and list making-

Xoxo  

It's time...

            Today was like any other low-key day for my little family of three. I awoke early to a laundry-list of chores bouncing between tired thoughts of what might lie ahead in our day. I made breakfast for my eager 18 month old and then shared my shower time with an applesauce covered baby. It was a day that began like many other days in this stage of life of early mother-hood.

The reason I paint a small glimpse of how my morning went, (and how many other mornings go) is to let you in on an unglamorous and average lifestyle I lead, which brings me to the theme of this blog today; self-image. Lately, I’ve been trying so hard to keep my head up and keep telling myself that I’m beautiful. It’s a daily struggle that I fight and today I reached a turning point in this constant battle between looks and self-confidence.

This afternoon, Jon and I took a trip over to my parents’ house to help them move various pieces of furniture for their upcoming remodel. While trying to chase Hallie around and help out where I could, I found myself standing next to a traveling closet full of old clothes. As I glanced through the rack, my eyes landed on a long, pearl colored sleeve with little beads. my eyes lit up as it was my wedding dress. We transitioned things so quickly I honestly hadn’t known where my wedding dress ended up and seeing it this way, so carefully placed next to a bunch of worn clothes, it stood out fiercely.  It gave me comfort knowing it was stored in such a safe, promising place. I carefully took it off the rack and memories flooded back. I scooped Hallie up and quietly brought it out to our car while everyone else was bustling about moving things. As I walked back in the house I told myself I would try it on later tonight and no matter what I looked like in it, I would love myself.

After a fun dinner at our neighborhood Applebee’s with my family, we made our way home and got Hallie settled in bed. I ventured in to my bedroom to try on my dress. With the door shut I changed in to it and walked over to the mirror not sure how I would feel once I saw the reflection. The dress was tight but still fit comfortably; the fitted dress hugged my curves and didn’t hide the pouch that once housed my now 18 month old.

As corny as this may sound, I told myself enough was enough. I needed to stop beating myself up for having a body that wasn’t the same as it had been. I needed to stop grabbing at my stretched stomach unsatisfied and in disgust. I needed to embrace the fact I grew a child and with that miracle comes stretch marks and extra skin.  

My insecurities have had enough of my time and tonight it’s time to focus on what’s right in front of me. I’m a mom that puts my child first at all times. I’m a mom that spends my free time meal-planning and couponing. I’m a mom that works part-time and exhausts myself for the sake of providing for her. I don’t have enough energy to spend wasting on fretting about the way my shirt fits and what I look like.

Now after all, it is a new year and with a new year comes things we’d like to change. Instead of focusing on this never-ending battle between my mind and body I’ve taken a couple steps that may help me change some things for the better. Jon and I decided to join our local YMCA and start working out as a couple. This not only will give us some one on one time together but I’m hoping will assist in getting healthy and give me an edge that will help put a stop to the harsh critique that looks back at me in the mirror every morning.  

As I might add, this post is a super personal one. No one likes to admit that they have insecurities and though I’m sure many of us struggle with the weight topic, I just want to encourage you to have confidence in yourself. It’s such a difficult thing but we need to dig deep and realize that there is so much more than appearance and weight that makes up a beautiful person.

Tonight as I looked at my reflection, I knew that there was more to what meets the eye. I’m more than my stretchy skin and pudgy arms and as long as I keep this perspective, nothing can keep me from shining. 

The End of this Journey

                I’m sitting up at my laptop, my screen illuminating the middle of my apartment. It’s rare I’m awake this late…usually the first chance I get, my tired head hits the pillow and I don’t rise until I hear the whimpers of my one year old in the next room over. For some reason tonight I lie awake, thoughtful. Instead of lying in my bed, tossing and turning, I ended up in front my laptop, scouring through old pictures I’ve backed up in to a folder onto my desktop. Pictures of days that seem so far away from this quiet, restless moment I’m living right now. Pictures that bring memories flooding back that make me wish I chose a different path. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to have these thoughts. I’ve held on to them for some time now and instead of harboring them and feeling ashamed of them, I’ve decided to come clean. These pictures show a thoughtful 19 year-old, daring her way through life, choosing the path that she knew could be risky but was oh so enchanting. I find myself thinking back to these days often, when I was free, had little to no responsibility other than myself and when I bring up the pictures that hold these memories so clear, I can’t help but carry my mind a little further on to what may have happened if I chose to not be so daring, not so risky. My mind usually comes to a halt, knowing that these thoughts are pointless. I chose a daring road that led to a one way street to adult-hood. My friends, it’s taken over a year to come to terms with my path and as I slowly pace my way down it, I graciously become more and more okay with the outcome. You see, it’s been a Journey. One that I am sure will lead to a completely different person that appears in those pictures I look at. I can feel her being reborn and the journey it’s taken to become this new woman, wife, mother that I am becoming is for sure the most difficult thing of all; A soul-searching journey that has led to this sleepless night and heart-felt blog. I feel that this blog may be coming to an end; it’s done its purpose. It’s allowed me to process this journey aloud, with such raw emotion that never could have been painted another way. I’m not sure of the woman I am yet, but I’m sure that I’m on my way to becoming her. I can look through these pictures knowing it’s okay to feel remorse for days I gave up. I can look ahead knowing that growth is a sure thing as long as you’re willing to mull over your past and admit when you are wrong. Life is about making mistakes as long as you’re willing to learn from them. I may not recognize myself these days as that thoughtful, daring 19 year old but I know that this person I’m growing in to is worth the journey it’s taken to get here.

A Mother's Mistake

            It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve been able to take some time to scribble out a blog, so this morning I come to you with a full mind, full heart, and of course…a full cup of coffee!!

            Life as I know it has changed since my little ball of energy began climbing. On chairs, toilet seats, on top of the couch, anything with an elevated surface sure to make my blood pressure rise. It’s been a whole new ball game since this milestone hit and it doesn’t leave me much time in the day to stray from watching over my risky 17 month old. This means simple tasks as doing the dishes and loading up the washing machine can prove to be a longer ordeal than I ever imagined! My patience has been tested to a whole new level and at times I can’t do anything but close my eyes and focus on breathing.

            I share this new found difficulty with you not to vent or complain but to share the lesson these trials brought forth. In the many moments in the past couple of weeks where I’ve regrettably raised my voice at this curious little toddler in training, I felt God get ahold of me in a startling way. He shifted my perspective and I truly believe he allowed me to see my perfectly crafted, Hallie Grace, fearfully and wonderfully made by the man himself. Not for a mischievous little annoyance but for a curious, innocent, and bright little joy that she is. I felt ashamed and I felt like a failure. How dare I raise my voice when she needs a loving touch in the right direction?

            One of my favorite things about being a Mom and venturing down this path of unknown mother-hood is the constant growth that comes along with it. If we just allow ourselves to take the challenges as they come graciously and look to God for a moment of peace when needed, we got this! 

  It's a frustrating business being a mom and it brings new challenges daily. I pray for all you woman out there struggling through this 24/7 job. If we choose to look to God in our weak moments, we're sure to conquer anything. 

xoxo

Mallory