Anyhow, I can't count on my fingers how many times I've cried, panicked, sobbed, or screamed at my poor husband-to-be in the last few weeks. He's been a trooper. I've blamed the majority of them on the changing hormones but I must say, I really don't know if it's the hormones or just me...freaking out. To be expected: right? Now that I've been able to come up for air and really study my situation, I've come to terms with my future and I'm sure it will be okay. I mentioned above that I'm not upset about this. It wasn't what I had planned, though I had thought about it and considered the possibility, it never seemed reachable. It's that deceiving thought that pops in your mind that, it won't happen to me. Even if I wanted to drastically change my life, it wouldn't happen to me. What is that lie? Why does it present itself so believable? All questions I've pondered.
As November came and went, I thought about December and what this month has in store. I realize it won't be one of those months that fly by with nothing memorable. Each month from here on out will mean something. Whether it's our little baby making a milestone or my husband and I moving forward and growing our family. I'm not just a college girl wandering the campus looking around wondering when my life is going to start. It's started and it's flying down the tracks at a 1000 mph.
This is my last month home, living under my parents roof. Using their wifi and eating their food. They know me so well, and it's so comfortable here. In one of my freakish crying moments, I was listening to the good old Taylor Swift song, 'Never Grow Up' If you haven't heard it, give it a listen. It's a song about realizing how much you wanted to grow up and once you move on and out in to the big world, how much we miss the simplicity of childhood and the little things that made it home. I was weeping in my car, (I'd like to believe it was hormones this time.) thinking about all the things I'll miss at home. The sound of my dad's ankles cracking down the hallway when he goes to bed. Or the steady sound of my mom snoring behind her door. Or the way the floor feels under my bare feet. We all take these things for granted, and when you find yourself in your big girl (or boy) world with all your own things and all the responsibilities; you miss home. As I spend my last days living as a Bingham girl on County Route 10, I am savoring every minute. But next month when I change my name and move in with my love, I'll need to find comfort in new things. I have no doubt I will, and though challenging I realize I would be wishing for this if none of this ever happened. So I might as well take each day as it comes and treat every day as a gift. After all, I have a lot of soul searching to do if I'm going to teach my new baby to be as cool and deep as me.
Here's the little one, that I already love so much. As I jump through these hoops and prayerfully take each step in to the future, this is what I have in my mind. This really does make it all worth it.
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