Grace

 I'm almost 12 weeks now, and as I continue on this unfamiliar road of pregnancy, I tend to get lost in thought at times. I've been brought up a conservative christian, so many of you know, that really doesn't involve premarital sex and a bun in the oven before you said "I do". I've gotten so hung up on that. I am the hardest on myself. I am constantly shaming myself and when I get a congratulations, It's hard to accept with a smile. I am not trying to walk through this pregnancy with my head held high and it's definitely not all smiles and glowing belly rubs. I'm ashamed, at least I was. I am beginning to realize that this is reality and as my belly gets harder and yoga pants get comfier and comfier the reality presents itself so much clearer. 

Though I feel as we should have waited and gotten married like God commands us. When we sin, we're forgiven and life moves on. We must not get hung up on the pain of our sin but the joy of the forgiveness and grace. Which is why if we have a girl her middle name will be grace. To remind me that God gives us that promise, to always forgive and to move on with his plan and purpose in mind. 

My purpose is this little baby and my new family. I have no idea what will lye ahead and what direction this path I've chosen will take me but It's time to put the shame and hurt away and move on. Accept the love and support from family, friends and my church community. I don't have to be alone in this and I can finally let my guard down. It almost brings tears to my eyes to finally be able to do this. My feelings have felt so guarded and I'm terrified to even acknowledge prayers and love from others because I've felt so shamed.  You all who have stood by me and loved me no matter what, which has been an astounding amount of people, have changed my perspective on this whole situation. You've made it possible for me to be me again. 

Well, now that I'm back, I plan to accept each and every one of your invitations to lunch, coffee and friendly text messages. God put some pretty incredible people in my life, and through all of you shines what being a christian is all about. Loving people. 


1 John 4:8; God is love