Motherhood. Parenthood really. It grows you, if you allow it too. Like anything that takes effort, hard work and dedication; it pushes you out of your comfort zone & in my opinion it can show you some pretty ugly versions of yourself.
I’ve always associated mothering & having kids with needing to prove myself. That’s just what happens when you start having kids when your young. I’m working hard at deconstructing that because it just isn’t true, it really never was. I didn’t need too.
As I’ve been adjusting to having three kids, I’ve uncovered some pretty hefty feelings of pride. Pride that I don’t need help. Pride that I can handle all the things. Pride that no matter what chaos my children have going on around me, that I can remain calm, cool and collect Mom.
How many times have I felt myself crumble only to ignore it and press on?
I’ve done a lot of pondering on the topic of Motherhood, what it truly requires to be a caretaker of these sweet, innocent souls that rely so much on us for everything. I keep coming back to this question that seems to stump me day after day. How am I supposed to find this thin line between being a strong Mother for her kids who puts everyone's needs before her own simultaneously keeping myself put together enough, rested enough and sane enough to survive? I think it's an age-old question, really. How do I manage all of this and still be okay?
The first three weeks of having our 3rd baby girl, Laine, was blissful. I wasn't uncomfortable or pregnant anymore, I was enjoying the family, the excitement of everyone wanting to meet her and best of all, my husband home to help and enjoy our newfound family of five.
Fast forward three weeks more, now six weeks later and it's an entirely different story. Jon is back to work, the newness has worn off and I just feel really overweight and out of shape. The kids' school routine is in full swing and I have a very cute, very needy little baby. I think I survived baby-stage in the past by pretending I had it all together, ya know, denial. But now that I’m older, have MORE responsibility and I’ve learned that all those suppressed feelings do more harm than good in my life (specifically my marriage.) It's time to be a big girl and face the music, and figure out how to navigate this in a way that honors my family and this beautiful responsibility we chose to bring in to this world.
I currently have a baby laying on my chest as I type this and my house is a MESS. Like dishes in the sink, 3 loads of unfolded clean laundry in the living room and toys everywhere, MESS. Last night I sat down on the couch after putting Laine in her bassinet and the older two were in their beds sleeping, and I looked around the house at all the potential ‘work’ that seems to never end. I felt overwhelmed, so tired and so in over my head. I started to cry and I felt so inadequate in this role.
I didn't have some epiphany, I finished crying and melted into bed with no housework done. Prayed for strength for a better day tomorrow and possibly a hot shower in the morning and went to sleep.
You see, I hate admitting that I’m struggling but I think I've come to terms that I need to admit it if I’m ever going to move through it. Pretending something doesn't exist doesn't make it go away. As much as this new role of now 3 kids requires of me, I can’t help but feel incredibly fortunate to have a life so full of people to love, even that isn't without huge sacrifices on my part.
I have no idea how I’m going to maneuver this new stage of my life but I do know a great way to start is being honest with myself, asking for help when I need it and relying on God’s truth to keep my head above water and away from the drowning waters of self-pity.
If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU, for seeing in to my struggles and I hope that anyone out there reading this that has felt overwhelmed by Motherhood, knows their not alone and takes comfort in no matter how messy our days look, we are doing the most important job of all; loving our kids.
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