Tonight I’m sitting with you in my kitchen, crumbs still all over the table, towels stacked in a pile waiting to be put away in the bathroom for showers tomorrow & of course our Koda at my feet; he always lands where I do.
I’ve had something on my heart for the last few weeks and I’ve been muddling with how to speak out on this topic. I decided it was time to get it out and start the conversation because Lord knows we all need some reminders from time to time. None of us are perfect, so many of us are consumed by what goes on in our own lives. We may not know how our words may sting.
When I got pregnant at 18, the feeling of shame was always something I carried. I didn't have a relationship with the Lord yet, I knew Him. I knew of His forgiveness, but I didn't understand the true depth of His love for me and His promises to literally carry my shame and dispose of it for me. It took me years to work through this shame, until I finally was able to lay it down and walk away from it. But when something stings for so long, it's a memory that can creep up on you. Pregnancy for me has always been a couple of things- shameful and something I need to prove, a monumental decision that I need to prove to myself and those around me that I am worthy of handling it.
Here’s where things get really interesting and as always, I’ve promised to be transparent with you, as much as we thought over our decision to grow our family- I still had old feelings of needing to prove myself to those around me, that I can handle the choices we’ve made for our family. As I was praying over this and processing it, I realized this was from the old wounds I had from when I carried my old shame.
With pregnancy comes the comments. Ohhhh, the comments. If you’ve been there, you know them. “Were you trying? Was this planned? Oh, honey, you’ll have your hands full!! Oh my goodness, another one? There is more, but you get my point.
I’m not one that usually pays much attention to things that bother me, I can normally get up and walk away whatever the topic is. But when it comes to this specific topic, I feel like it needs to be talked about more, because I’ve been in such a delicate position where these comments have stung, deeply.
My mom has always taught me that I am the one that's responsible for my emotions and I have lived by that for many of my adult years, it's true. I can’t give people the weight of my emotions and I need to find my own truth, dig my roots into the foundation of God’s word and when life gets hard, filter your feelings through the truths of God’s love. His opinion is the only one that should have any weight in this heart of mine.
But I felt so strongly about sharing my own insecurities because I think we need to always speak with kindness and we should always strive to be a source of light in this dark world. As uncomfortable as it was to feel all those emotions of shame, of inadequacy it was so important and I’m thankful for them.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Now here’s the real lesson and the point of this entire entry; Nobody could ever prepare you for the challenges of motherhood; but from someone who has maneuvered the last 7 years being a Mother who had no business in making herself one at 18- I’ve learned that no one really is ready, no one has it figured out, and the comments whether they sting or not, shouldn't be a measurement of how “ready” or “equipped you are” to manage the life you’ve created; quite the contrary. God has a plan for you, you're going to fall, you're going to need saving more times than you can say & it will change your heart from the inside out in all the right ways.
I believe the only comment that we should say when we hear a young mother say she’s expecting, should be, “God’s plan for your life is beautiful, lean in and enjoy the ride.”
Being a Mother has been the most rewarding thing I’ll ever do, it has humbled me in endless amounts, it has shown me that life no matter how messy it gets or how many times you mess up, God will forgive me. God has my heart in his hand and he is molding me like clay, and as feeble as I feel at times, I entrust my children’s lives in His hands fully rather than my own.
Do you see now, lovely friend? You don’t have to be ready, you just have to be willing to learn and listen, and the rest will work itself out.
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