This is a Wakeup Call

           It’s been a weird week over in our household. The week started like many others with Hallie getting ready for school. I slipped her school folder in her bag alongside her lunchbox and water bottle, slipped on my hard-sole slippers with my hair slung in a messy bun, coffee in hand, Cole in my other and we made our way to drop her off for a just a regular school day. Fast forward to today, now Saturday morning, things are looking a little different.

            

Hallie will not be going to school Monday morning; grocery stores are flooded with worried people buying out paper products, canned goods and personal ‘essentials.’ Everyone is being advised to stay inside and stay safe and protected from a virus that is spreading quickly. Many of us are scratching our heads wondering how this happened so quickly, I know I am.

            

On any given Saturday, many of us get up and grab coffee and breakfast at the diner, maybe make a quick pit stop over at the bank before they close at Noon and then we grumble that we have to go get groceries. I know I have. I grumble on a weekly basis about how I HAVE to go get food for my family and figure out what to make them all week. I literally COMPLAIN about having to do this.

            

This weekend our eyes are wide open and we are feeling the heat of the comforts of our usual day to day lives being stripped away from us and exposed. We are taking pictures and posting them, yelling at each other for panicking.  We are worried we won’t be able to have the pick of the foods we LIKE and the soft toilet paper that we PREFER. We are stressed that we have to become innovative and possibly make our baby wipes or disinfectant cleaners.  

             

Instead of recognizing that we are a blessed group of individuals that have the pick of so many things that bring us comfort every single day for years upon years, we are fighting with each other, panicking, worrying and hunkering down in fear.

            

This is a wakeup call, to humble ourselves and recognize what we have in this country and to not take it for granted. We need to be kind, innovative, and supportive, to stop the spread of fear and begin the spread of prayer.

             

We are a spoiled nation who gets angry when we don’t get our way and it needs to be recognized.  We don’t know the future, we won’t know what will happen next or how this virus will affect our communities, families or the way we live our ‘normal’ lives. But maybe as we feel the heat and discomfort of the effects of this virus on our nation, we need to pause and let that heat refine us and make us better and more thankful.

Six Years In the Making

            This entry is a special one. This blog has been with me for the last six years, processing so many different emotions as I maneuver my way through Motherhood. First, finding out I was pregnant at such a young age, barely out of high school. Getting married and learning that it isn’t just a fairy tale full of romantic feelings, it’s as real as commitment gets and you have to fight to maintain it. Then becoming a Mother of two; two actual souls that the Lord blessed me with and how serious that is in a world as broken as the one we reside in.

           

Now six years later, smack-dab in an exhausting season of parenthood, marriage and learning how to maintain a healthy lifestyle; I constantly feel overwhelmed. I keep thinking to myself that it shouldn’t be this hard, maybe getting caught up in the world’s lies that I deserve a life unscathed.

            

Today, due to a random series of events, I found myself sitting on the floor of the kid’s playroom. It was a good morning by measure of getting my workout done, a nice, hot shower and my hair blow dried, sipping on my shake while playing Lincoln logs with Cole. It was a picture perfect morning for me, and I’m thankful for it! Mornings lately around here haven’t been so picturesque. I got an idea in my head as I was sitting still with Cole, to pick up my stack of books and read through a few pages since I was already being still. Being “still” doesn’t happen very often for me, just ask my Apple Watch.

            

I was skimming through a chapter in my current read, Risen Motherhood by Emily Jensen and Laura Wifler. The chapter was talking about transitions and Motherhood and how challenging we know them to be. I got thinking about my life and how this blog has played a part in getting me through so many life transitions and how honestly, the last 6 years has been a whirlwind of transitions!  

Beginning at 18 getting pregnant then on to getting married;  to learning how to be a mother, then on to learning how to be good parents while simultaneously learning to be a wife. Then moving on to expanding our family to four and buying a house. It has been transition central in my life and that explains the constant need for big gulps of air.

The chapter in this book dropped some real truth bombs and finally after hearing these truths, I feel the Lord healing my wounds that I’ve had open since I was 18.

There are so many quiet moments where I wish for easier times, dreaming of a time I won’t be so spread thin, isolated and pressing for more energy. Then of course the added guilt I feel when I’m in the midst of a transition and I’m craving that next step that won’t feel so shaky. As Mother’s we think if we just keep pushing on and get to the next step, it’ll be easier. Then we get there and feel just as much exhaustion as the last step. We feel so guilty that we’re wishing our lives away. We’re wishing for our little ones to be older and easier, there is so much guilt.

            

God used this author’s words to shake me from my seat and remind me that my life’s goal isn’t to have easy days with nothing to cause me pain, heartache or exhaustion. My life’s goal is to move through my days with an open heart, drawing close to God, asking Him what purpose He has for this pain I’m feeling. Let me elaborate.

“When a goldsmith wants to purify gold, he heats it until the impurities are revealed so he can skim them off. Without the heat, the impurities stay embedded in the gold. Similarly, our circumstances turn up the heat until we see what’s in our hearts. It’s not that we used to be nice, energetic people, and now we’re suddenly irritable and unkind. Those changes simply expose the hidden sin that existed all along in the ease and familiarity of our circumstances.”

            

In my current season of constant sick kids, gloomy weather and long days full of responsibilities, I no longer need to feel like a victim of my circumstances or that life needs to hurry up and get easier. I can slow my breathing and hang on to the beautiful truth that the Lord is carving my heart to be exactly who He needs me to be for His kingdom. The trials I go through now are creating a better person tomorrow. It’s time to kick the lies behind me and stop letting Satan fib that my life would be “better” without all these tough transitions and seasons of difficulty.

I can arise tomorrow no longer wishing my life away and have hope that God has purposes for today and sure promise for our final destination.

Resisting Rest

            I’m sitting with you in my kitchen, the heat vent by my feet hasn’t stopped since I’ve been sitting here, and it’s a cold, frosty morning in January. The window above my kitchen sink is just a hue of white as the snow falls quickly. I don’t mind mornings like this, with a hot cup of steaming coffee and my house hunkered down in a blanket of white. I picture a small Christmas village with the little house sitting in a white field, standing out with its glowing, lighted windows and how it just looks warm.

            

As wonderful and picturesque as this season can be, it also is the same season that brings coughs, fevers and a whole slew of things our kids can pick up. Our house has been full of sickness for a few months now, every time we seem to be on the mend, someone else comes down with the next virus. My littlest gets chronic ear infections, we’ve had surgery, seen specialists and he still can’t seem to get a cold without the ear infection right behind. My daughter has an autoimmune disorder and when she gets a virus, it can hang on for weeks. To say I’ve felt defeated and consumed by all this sickness (and worry) has been an understatement. My husband reminded me in a light hearted chuckle, “This is Parenthood, babe.”

            

This morning as I cracked open my devotional; I was so taken back with the entry that seemed to speak so clearly to my weary, frustrated heart.

            

So often we feel frantic, unsure at what to do or how to handle something. We allow our minds to spin, we plan out 15 steps ahead (like we can even know the future!!) or we stress over all the details. What an exhausting cycle…

Matthew 11:28 says; “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”

He’s not saying we will have a special nap and be all better. He’s telling us to stop our vicious cycle and ask Him for help & direction.

STOP running yourself ragged. Be still and then take the next step. NOT the next 10. Not the whole path; Just the next step. So much can be learned in that space, if we just slowed down to see what was there and to hear what God has to say. “Where our strength ends is where His will begins.”

           

I’m starting to find peace in the idea that even in those lonely, frustrating moments of Motherhood, when we’re desperately seeking relief for our kids and mourning the loss of our ‘regular’ daily lives, the Lord is molding us for the future. He’s asking us, “Do you trust me?” He’s giving us stamina for our futures. He’s molding our hearts to slow down and know that HE IS GOD and worrying doesn’t do anybody any good.

            

It’s only January, and as the snow falls out my window and the idea of more sickness looms in my future, I have to stop thinking 15 steps ahead and focus on what’s here in my day, right now- and with that find rest. 

Soul Rest

            It’s the end of another day, the backpacks are emptied, the dishes stacked full in the dishwasher & the kids sitting in their pajamas with sleepy eyes as they gaze up toward the TV.

I’m wearing baggie sweats, a loose sweatshirt and my hair that was nicely straightened this morning is thrown up in a bun because it was getting in my face during bath time. As the kids settled in to their usual spots on the couch for the evening, I paused in the kitchen to catch my breath. I’m sure many other mamas can relate, that moment when you come up for air after doing a slew of things. Take a deep breath, notice how tired you feel and then you pull up your invisible boot straps and push forward.

           

I decided to warm up some water in a Christmas mug and make some decaf chai tea, a little something I could do for myself and hang on too, literally. As I stood there continuing to catch my breath, watching the mug swirl around and around in the microwave, I started to feel my heart rate come down and my mind ease a little, but that feeling of absolute exhaustion still lingered. It isn’t that type of exhaustion that can be cured by a good night’s rest…it’s that soul gripping exhaustion.

            

Slowly steeping my tea, watching the clear water turn over to a calming, oaky tea color, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Isn’t there a way for me to maneuver my way through this exhausting season of motherhood and still find true, soulful rest?”

            

This seems to be the theme for my life lately, I don’t sit down nearly as often as I’d like too, to write and craft blogs. I still find rest and reason in the clacking of keys and the epiphanies that happen as I fill a blank page. 

            

Each morning, my son wakes me up usually before the raw hour of 6am. As I can’t control when he decides to wake, I can control how I feel about it and what I do with this precious time when it’s just him and I. Instead of groaning, I’ve been working really hard on spending this time I have with him intentionally. We pour our morning drinks, his orange juice and my pre-workout and we sit cuddled by the fire in our living room. I turn on a show for him on low volume and I crack open my devotions and then later my prayer journal. The theme that the Lord has been really bringing to my attention is ‘dependency.’

           

I’ve taken weekend trips away. I’ve gone and got pedicures with hot cups of coffee. You know, those ‘self-care’ things that everyone preaches, “You got to do for yourself, lady!” I’ll be the first to tell you, these things are not bad! They are wonderful, amazing things that a Mama deserves to do! But they don’t bring my soul rest. They just don’t. I get home, the same old milk spills or the dog chews a stuffed animal and white stuffing is all over the house and the carousel just keeps on spinning.  

            

I’ve learned that you can’t put your happiness and how ‘well’ your day is going or how ‘good’ your kids are behaving. We are all imperfect people and if I did that I’d be let down and have A LOT of bad days.

 I’m standing in the midst of my day, I’m totally overwhelmed with the fact that my kids are sick, I haven’t exercised in 3 days and I’m failing because my fridge is empty and I have no idea what the heck I need to fill It with. I go to the store with a fussy child, cold weather and wander around trying to not forget something. My heart begins to ache and I look over toward a lady, casually reading a box, I think to myself, “I am so jealous of her. I wish I was alone. I wish I could have just a second to THINK.” Then my two year old knocks over 2 boxes of cereal off a shelf.

Sound familiar?

Earlier, I mentioned that the Lord has been teaching me dependency and what that truly means in the trenches of my every-day, not so perfect situations. Now, I’m still learning and I still haven’t got this whole thing figured out. But today as I stood there and watched my mug swirl and I felt my soul longing for rest, I knew I needed to share this. Throw this out in to the space where I share with other mamas, that we can’t do this on our own. We are boss ladies, we get it done, we know how to brush our daughter’s hair in a way that doesn’t pull and what shoes stay on our son’s feet if we’re going to be doing a lot of walking. We hold the bags full of essentials but after a while our souls feel barren and spent. God didn’t design us to hold these things for as long and as tight as we hold them. I’m learning that when I’m in the midst of these moments, I have to lay it out and call out to the one that made me a Mom in the first place.

We are doing holy work. We aren’t just sweeping floors and folding laundry for the 100x this week, we are raising children that will carry on HIS legacy and HIS love in to the future. I know you’re tired, He knows you’re tired. Instead of sitting in our exhaustion and wallowing in that space, set the ‘bag’ down and choose dependency. Choose to ask for peace, for direction & reminders toward the importance of the role you hold.  

Do I Really Have What it Takes?

            Today was one of those marathon days, where I found myself taking a moment to breathe deep and dig even deeper for strength. Sometimes as I move through my days I can’t help but have that thought, “How am I supposed to handle all of this? I’m only ONE person.” I think we’ve all been there, no matter what title or job we hold, it can become more weight than our hands can bear and we start to stumble a little and maybe if your anything like me, start to question if you have what it takes to do all of this.

            

I’m a powerhouse, I’m not afraid to share that piece about myself. From the time I was 15, I had a job. I worked late shifts and saved money and from a young age took pride in hard work and a paycheck. From the many titles I’ve held, Motherhood has been the MOST humbling. Even more so, because that thing called a paycheck doesn’t come by doing the 24/7 job you carry as a parent; it comes with more work and more coordination. Humbling work, am I right?

           

Today as I was driving to my cleaning job, I had one of those moments I spoke about earlier. The moment where I found my breath coming up through my lungs, shaky and overwhelmed, that feeling of defeat looming over my heart and I muttered out, “How do I do all of this, Lord?”

            

I instantly felt a response and it was so humbling. The Lord reminded me that He didn’t design me to handle it all. He reminded me that He made me this way, so I would look up, and ask for His help.

I didn’t actually stop as I had work to do. But the feeling that I had to bear all of these things myself vanished. My heart felt lighter and I told the Lord that even though I was completely spent, I trusted that He’d get me through this.

Even though I have powerhouse fuel flowing through my veins, I’m only human. I’m breakable. I’m strong but not strong enough to handle it all. I’ve always taken such pride in being able to do it all, and do it well. I’m going to tell you all this right now, being tired and exhausted, with a heart that feels trampled- isn’t the result of strength.

True strength comes from laying down our own understanding, closing our eyes tight and admitting to the creator of our strength that we need His direction and His help. God created you just as He meant too, He knows why He gave you this life and He knows exactly what you need. Don’t ever doubt that you won’t have what it takes, because God will give it you.

When the Going gets Tough

            It’s a warm evening, the sun is just setting behind the trees in my back yard, and the house is quiet with the exception of my daughter playing her iPad next to me.

            

I can always tell when it’s a writing night because my heart gets this feeling of urgency. It’s like the inner workings of everything that’s been happening in my life, need a place to land and I end up here. I’ve been finding my footing in this space of adult-hood, especially in the last 8 months. When I started putting my health first, my mental health became a priority too. It’s all connected. I’m learning that the things we go through in this life-time are all filtered through these three things we need to balance. Our minds, our spirituality & our physical bodies. I’m learning this year that we need to work on all three in order to find momentum to move forward, to grow.

I’ve always been a transparent person. If I’m not willing to share and be relational, how can I grow? Something I’ve always been a little hesitant to share about is my marriage. It’s a sacred space and I like to keep it hidden in this safe little box. But when I speak of relationships- how can I not speak of one of the biggest relationships in my life?

Jon and I have been married for now 5 years, been together for 10. We’ve been through more things I can list here, but we’ve always managed to stay on a steady pace. Something I think we all hope for is healthy, loving relationships. We want to feel loved. We want to be able to not just communicate but have our words be understood. I will not pretend here that this always happens between the two of us, especially lately.

I have to believe that marriage, even when hard, that we can make it through- because we don’t have an option. When I vowed those promises, I meant it. I may not have understood the magnitude of those promises, but nevertheless, they were made.

I think a lot of us have reached the point where we understand that love is not a feeling, it’s a choice. We need to choose every day to try to make the other one feel loved.

 I think a lot of us get married thinking that since we have such an intense emotion for each other, it will be easy to lean on. 
However when we’re feeling like running away, we need to remember that there are so much more than emotions that keep us strong.

It’s the selflessness of loving that person more than we love ourselves.

It’s digging deeper to remember why we made those promises in the first place.

It’s the importance of standing by our word to be strong examples for our children.

It’s the truth that God loved us so much that He died for us; THAT’S the love God demands us to have for the ones we choose to place in our lives.

I will always be striving to do these things because the love I have for Jon is a choice so much bigger than any emotion I could ever feel; it’s a choice I made because when push comes to shove, God put us in each other’s lives to be there for one another.

To have each other’s best interest and to hold each other up, no matter how we’re feeling that day.

My prayer in writing this delicate piece is that it will be a good reminder, in a world that Satan loves to tease us in to the idea that it would be easier to give up. Stay strong my friends.

He Gave Them To Us, Because We Were Meant To Be Theirs

This season of life brings such a gust of motion. I’m in a constant state of motion, moving from one scenario from the next. My days consist of problem solving, keeping up with the movement of my kids and their needs and breaking up fights over who gets to play with what toy. I reason at a level I’ve mastered, in terms of what’s ‘fair’ to my five year old and my short tempered two-year old. It’s a skill my friends!

            

Tonight was one of the good ones, where I was able to heed my reminder of slowing down and enjoying them in all of their small glory. Cole, my two-year old, didn’t feel ready for bed yet and he screamed, “maaaamaaaaa,” in his crib until I gave in and checked on him. I scooped him up and he gleamed at me, big goofy, “I got my way grin.” He joined me at the table and nibbled on my late night dinner with me. Then we moved in to the living room and read our favorite book together. He loves to point his chubby little finger at various parts of the page and wait for me to tell him what it is. I held his warm body as tight and compact as I could, he’s getting so long. I rocked him slow and thought of what type of man he’ll become.

            

Nights like these come few and far between. Where I actually feel human enough to write; my whole house is quiet and all I can hear is the clacking of keys and the words that seem to flow so naturally from my heart. Writing has always been an outlet and the times I get to release them, I’m reminded of so many of the parts of me that remain under my motherly façade. Most days I fill sippy cups, organize doctor visits and keep up with the evolving door these kids keep running through. But I often find myself curiously thinking of what these kids will become as they become adults, just like I did not that long ago.

           

Childhood is so short. I feel as if I just left my own, and here I am trying to provide one for these kids I love so much. What can I do to ensure they don’t leave damaged because of my own inexperience or my own moments of frustration. I have no answers.

            

What I do have is the constant nudging I have in my heart to be patient and take them in for what they are. Look up and SEE. Stop and LISTEN. Reach out and HOLD them. Make them feel HEARD. Make them feel LOVED. Show them they are SPECIAL. Remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes as long as we try the next time to improve.

           

I’m learning right along with them and the nights I lay my head down on the pillow, and regret who I’ve been that day, I remind myself that as long as I’m doing these things, I have to believe they will grow to know I love them and that I tried my best.

            

I rock slow and ask the Lord for strength to be their foundation and their vessel to God’s promises. I pray that I have what it takes to raise them up to be strong, loving individuals who aren’t afraid to do hard things. I’m in awe that God entrusted these kids to Jon and I, but I know they are ours for a reason. 

Maybe that’s it right there; they were given to us because He knew we were meant to be theirs.