It’s the end of another day, the backpacks are emptied,
the dishes stacked full in the dishwasher & the kids sitting in their pajamas
with sleepy eyes as they gaze up toward the TV.
I’m
wearing baggie sweats, a loose sweatshirt and my hair that was nicely straightened
this morning is thrown up in a bun because it was getting in my face during bath
time. As the kids settled in to their usual spots on the couch for the evening,
I paused in the kitchen to catch my breath. I’m sure many other mamas can
relate, that moment when you come up for air after doing a slew of things. Take
a deep breath, notice how tired you feel and then you pull up your invisible
boot straps and push forward.
I decided to warm up some water in a Christmas mug and
make some decaf chai tea, a little something I could do for myself and hang on
too, literally. As I stood there continuing to catch my breath, watching the
mug swirl around and around in the microwave, I started to feel my heart rate
come down and my mind ease a little, but that feeling of absolute exhaustion still
lingered. It isn’t that type of exhaustion that can be cured by a good night’s
rest…it’s that soul gripping exhaustion.
Slowly steeping my tea, watching the clear water turn
over to a calming, oaky tea color, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Isn’t there
a way for me to maneuver my way through this exhausting season of motherhood and
still find true, soulful rest?”
This seems to be the theme for my life lately, I don’t sit
down nearly as often as I’d like too, to write and craft blogs. I still find
rest and reason in the clacking of keys and the epiphanies that happen as I
fill a blank page.
Each morning, my son wakes me up usually before the raw
hour of 6am. As I can’t control when he decides to wake, I can control how I feel
about it and what I do with this precious time when it’s just him and I.
Instead of groaning, I’ve been working really hard on spending this time I have
with him intentionally. We pour our morning drinks, his orange juice and my pre-workout
and we sit cuddled by the fire in our living room. I turn on a show for him on
low volume and I crack open my devotions and then later my prayer journal. The
theme that the Lord has been really bringing to my attention is ‘dependency.’
I’ve taken weekend trips away. I’ve gone and got
pedicures with hot cups of coffee. You know, those ‘self-care’ things that
everyone preaches, “You got to do for yourself, lady!” I’ll be the first to
tell you, these things are not bad! They are wonderful, amazing things that a
Mama deserves to do! But they don’t bring my soul rest. They just don’t. I get
home, the same old milk spills or the dog chews a stuffed animal and white stuffing
is all over the house and the carousel just keeps on spinning.
I’ve learned that you can’t put your happiness and how ‘well’
your day is going or how ‘good’ your kids are behaving. We are all imperfect
people and if I did that I’d be let down and have A LOT of bad days.
I’m standing
in the midst of my day, I’m totally overwhelmed with the fact that my kids are
sick, I haven’t exercised in 3 days and I’m failing because my fridge is empty
and I have no idea what the heck I need to fill It with. I go to the store with
a fussy child, cold weather and wander around trying to not forget something.
My heart begins to ache and I look over toward a lady, casually reading a box,
I think to myself, “I am so jealous of her. I wish I was alone. I wish I could
have just a second to THINK.” Then my two year old knocks over 2 boxes of
cereal off a shelf.
Sound familiar?
Earlier,
I mentioned that the Lord has been teaching me dependency and what that truly
means in the trenches of my every-day, not so perfect situations. Now, I’m
still learning and I still haven’t got this whole thing figured out. But today
as I stood there and watched my mug swirl and I felt my soul longing for rest,
I knew I needed to share this. Throw this out in to the space where I share
with other mamas, that we can’t do this on our own. We are boss ladies, we get
it done, we know how to brush our daughter’s hair in a way that doesn’t pull
and what shoes stay on our son’s feet if we’re going to be doing a lot of
walking. We hold the bags full of essentials but after a while our souls feel
barren and spent. God didn’t design us to hold these things for as long and as
tight as we hold them. I’m learning that when I’m in the midst of these
moments, I have to lay it out and call out to the one that made me a Mom in the
first place.
We
are doing holy work. We aren’t just sweeping floors and folding laundry for the
100x this week, we are raising children that will carry on HIS legacy and HIS
love in to the future. I know you’re tired, He knows you’re tired. Instead of
sitting in our exhaustion and wallowing in that space, set the ‘bag’ down and choose
dependency. Choose to ask for peace, for direction & reminders toward the importance of the role you hold.
