Why is it all so HARD

The late nights are usually the only time that I have to take that deep breath. I can’t believe I’m about to use an exercise analogy; but have you ever been working out, and had a hard time catching your breath and all of a sudden you center yourself, focus on your breathing and your able to catch it? You know, that breath that expands your lungs, and gives you the oxygen you need to push on? In this season of my life, these late nights where I’m sitting alone in the corner of my living room, all I can hear is the hum of the dishwasher and the keys beneath my hands, this is that deep cleansing breath for me.

 My days are full. I wake up to the bustle of 3 kids moving upon their childhood fiercely. Growing, learning and most of all needing so much of us. We move from one thing to the next; packing for school to cleaning the house, to reading books and hugging tears away. We fix lunch plates and clean dinner plates, we round up kids into the van and drive miles to football games and practices, open houses and friend’s birthday parties. The bustle of this season often leaves me searching for that cleansing breath. 

I often talk to God and remind myself that He so intentionally created the ‘bustle’ and we are to not only lean into it but learn from it.

I recently have found myself in so many different conversations with loved ones, family members and good friends about how HARD life is. I know we’re all feeling it. I’ve pondered over it, alot. In between the scrolling through Instagram and the bustle of my daily life, I’ve stopped in those little moments between and pondered why that is. 

Maybe that's the lesson in it all, that we shouldnt be surprised by the difficulty we’re feeling so intensely. We should not only expect it but maybe should I be so bold to say, welcome it? Searching through my Bible for answers, as I’ve found is truly the only way to understand the complexities of life; I stumble upon 1 Peter 5: 6-10 

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.” 

The supernaturalness of the words of the Bible never ceases to amaze me. God called it. We are tired, spent, wondering WHY this is so hard. He reminds us to be alert, because the ways of the world will just make it harder. Then He gives us comfort by reminding us we aren't subject to all this difficulty alone, we are all in this together. We are in all walks of life, feeling the stress. But He doesn't end it there, recognizing how hard it all is, He delivers HOPE. Isn't that what we are all aching for? The hope of relief, the hope for that deep cleansing breath? He finishes out by saying to us, if we choose to walk with Him and search for Him we will suffer for a while but He will restore us and make us strong and steadfast. 

I don’t know about you but the hope that brings to my tired soul is life-giving. I know so many of us have such a hard time and we ask some of life’s biggest questions. And unfortunately in this world, it is getting harder and harder to hear the truths of the Bible. We have to read it for ourselves. We have to be alert, be intentional and we have to follow Him. It’s the only way. He is the only one who can truly give us that life-giving, soul quenching, deep cleansing breath we are all so desperately searching for.  

This Christmas is Different

 This is the first blog I’ve ever started on the notes section of my iPhone. I’m currently laying on a paw patrol stuffed animal while my son falls asleep. This season of life is hectic, full of needs & a revolving door of responsibilities that I carry. I’m okay with it though. I’ve been embracing this role since the day I brought home my squishy little newborn; and that was 9 and a half years ago. 

Now, I have three kids in tow and my life is fuller than ever & I’m going to throw a cliche out here; so is my heart. 

It’s Christmas time and usually that comes with the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping, concerts & lists… LOTS of lists. 

This holiday season has felt different. In the past, my blog entries have all been crafted to bring clarity to whatever may be happening in my life, and this one is no different. 

I had to come to a blank page of paper and scribble out exactly WHY this Christmas has felt so different. 

First, it began with a book. 

I had heard of Advent. I knew it was something to do with counting down to Christmas, but that was the entirety of what I knew. 

I ended up with a sweet, small advent devotional written by a Godly woman I grew up with & I had NO idea what was ahead and the stirring God would do in my heart using advent (and this book) as the tool to do just that. 

I grew up hearing the story of Jesus. The little baby. The manger. Mary. Joseph. 

It fell flat and in retrospect I think that’s why SO many Christmas pasts have done just that. 

We shop. We write lists and then more lists. We wrap, bake & go to parties. But then when the day is over, I don’t know about you but I fall flat. My spirit does anyways. 

When you start to open your heart and widen your perspective to the true miracle of the birth of Jesus you realize that Christmas is a BIG deal & so long ago in Bethlehem a SAVIOR was BORN. In this world. On this dirt. In this realm; He left His home in heaven to come to a broken world to do one job. A job for you and for me. Saving one soul at a time for generations to come. 

Christmas is a big deal, one that we look forward to every year. Then when it arrives we hurry through to do all the regular traditions; but do we really feel the magic that we long for? 

I know I don’t. At least I didn’t. Until I opened up my heart to the true meaning of Jesus & what his birth means for MY soul & My future. 

Every Christmas song. Every cookie baked. Every twinkle light & glistening Christmas tree is a symbol that I serve a God that loves me SO much. 

I have been a little obnoxious with the Christmas music this year and I just can’t help it. I belt out Lauren Daigle’s Noel in the shower & my heart gets giddier and giddier with every passing Advent day. 

I had to share because I know that we all fall entrapped in to the mundane exhaustion of trying to do it all & make it all perfect. I’m here to say; you don’t have too! The magic doesn’t lie there guys. The magic is in the manger. It’s Jesus. The magic, wonder & awe has been there the whole time. We just got so distracted we forgot to remember. That’s what Advent is all about. 

I pray for each and every one of you who fall upon this post that your heart would be opened the way mine has been this Christmas; and that instead of your spirit falling flat after all the presents are unwrapped; you feel giddy. Giddy with joy that the birth of Jesus represents hope & a beginning, not an end to the joy. 

A little wreath I decided to forge & make myself this season! Not half bad !

How I'm REALLY, doing.

Motherhood. Parenthood really. It grows you, if you allow it too. Like anything that takes effort, hard work and dedication; it pushes you out of your comfort zone & in my opinion it can show you some pretty ugly versions of yourself. 

I’ve always associated mothering & having kids with needing to prove myself. That’s just what happens when you start having kids when your young. I’m working hard at deconstructing that because it just isn’t true, it really never was. I didn’t need too. 

As I’ve been adjusting to having three kids, I’ve uncovered some pretty hefty feelings of pride. Pride that I don’t need help. Pride that I can handle all the things. Pride that no matter what chaos my children have going on around me, that I can remain calm, cool and collect Mom. 

How many times have I felt myself crumble only to ignore it and press on? 

I’ve done a lot of pondering on the topic of Motherhood, what it truly requires to be a caretaker of these sweet, innocent souls that rely so much on us for everything. I keep coming back to this question that seems to stump me day after day. How am I supposed to find this thin line between being a strong Mother for her kids who puts everyone's needs before her own simultaneously keeping myself put together enough, rested enough and sane enough to survive? I think it's an age-old question, really. How do I manage all of this and still be okay? 

The first three weeks of having our 3rd baby girl, Laine, was blissful. I wasn't uncomfortable or pregnant anymore, I was enjoying the family, the excitement of everyone wanting to meet her and best of all, my husband home to help and enjoy our newfound family of five. 

Fast forward three weeks more, now six weeks later and it's an entirely different story. Jon is back to work, the newness has worn off and I just feel really overweight and out of shape. The kids' school routine is in full swing and I have a very cute, very needy little baby. I think I survived baby-stage in the past by pretending I had it all together, ya know, denial. But now that I’m older, have MORE responsibility and I’ve learned that all those suppressed feelings do more harm than good in my life (specifically my marriage.) It's time to be a big girl and face the music, and figure out how to navigate this in a way that honors my family and this beautiful responsibility we chose to bring in to this world. 

I currently have a baby laying on my chest as I type this and my house is a MESS. Like dishes in the sink, 3 loads of unfolded clean laundry in the living room and toys everywhere, MESS. Last night I sat down on the couch after putting Laine in her bassinet and the older two were in their beds sleeping, and I looked around the house at all the potential ‘work’ that seems to never end. I felt overwhelmed, so tired and so in over my head. I started to cry and I felt so inadequate in this role.

 

I didn't have some epiphany, I finished crying and melted into bed with no housework done. Prayed for strength for a better day tomorrow and possibly a hot shower in the morning and went to sleep. 

You see, I hate admitting that I’m struggling but I think I've come to terms that I need to admit it if I’m ever going to move through it. Pretending something doesn't exist doesn't make it go away. As much as this new role of now 3 kids requires of me, I can’t help but feel incredibly fortunate to have a life so full of people to love, even that isn't without huge sacrifices on my part. 

I have no idea how I’m going to maneuver this new stage of my life but I do know a great way to start is being honest with myself, asking for help when I need it and relying on God’s truth to keep my head above water and away from the drowning waters of self-pity. 

If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU, for seeing in to my struggles and I hope that anyone out there reading this that has felt overwhelmed by Motherhood, knows their not alone and takes comfort in no matter how messy our days look, we are doing the most important job of all; loving our kids.

 

When Depression Hits - My Pregnancy Story Part 1

 It's a hazy Sunday morning, my coffee is getting cold (what’s new), and I can feel the sun rising above the tree-line behind me. This cozy corner on my deck has become my favorite place to come too with a steaming hot cup of coffee, my bible and my life’s stressors. I always leave this space feeling renewed with a fresh perspective. 

The space around me is quiet, the kids are inside playing and the only thing I can hear is the clacking of this keyboard and the humming of our hot tub ( which so rudely I can’t use until this baby comes out!) One of the many sacrifices a woman makes as she shares her body with her growing child. I chuckled as I wrote that because come on, what a first-world problem! 

The biggest change as I've experienced my third pregnancy has been the depression. I never imagined I would find myself in this position but here I am, dealing with it as best I can. It started around week 8 when I went in for my very first OB appointment, to meet my new doctor and discuss the next 32 weeks. It became very apparent to me as she screened me with some routine questions that my mental health was taking a nosedive. I had two options. Ignore it and pretend that I’m okay (because let's be honest, it feels wrong to tell people we need help, especially when those around us can’t see the changes) or I tell this sweet doctor whom I had just met that I was feeling sad and I didn’t know why. I took a deep breath and looked at my husband (who didn’t really understand yet how bad I was feeling) and I told her the truth. She gave me some options and she said some really scary things- like if you think about hurting yourself or you start to feel really sad, call 911, call ME, call someone. 

I left the appointment feeling pretty numb. Here I am- supposed to be over the moon that my baby has a heartbeat and things are on track for a healthy pregnancy and I just got prescribed an antidepressant and I had no earthly idea how my body was going to react to this new drug. 

My experience the last 6 weeks has been hard, very hard. Many days I feel lonely as I’m home with the kids. Jon works a lot to support our growing family and I’ve had to learn to be okay by myself (and minus the depression I do pretty good) but add some mental health issues and a new medication in the mix; I was terrified. Mom’s don’t get the luxury of taking self-care days, we have to show up or our life crumbles pretty quickly. I am so thankful for my best friend, Micaela, who has talked to me every-day, checked in with me and let me vent, let my cry to her. I’ve pushed through every day, some days I feel good but some days I can’t seem to reach any further than the empty feeling that my brain just can’t seem to shake. I hate it. Depression is just such a mean, disruptive thief. It makes no sense. 

I’m 14 weeks pregnant now and thankful that the meds seem to be kicking in. I still have rough days but they seem to only happen a couple days a week now. God has been teaching me more than ever in my 27 years that I need HIM. I need His promises. I need His truths. I need His hope that this isn't happening to me, it is happening FOR me. I know that seems crazy but I’m a firm believer that I have to be willing to live the story He’s writing for me so someday I can help someone who’s trying to do this without Him. 

Today in my quiet time, He reminded me that even in the days where the sadness feels like a weight I can’t put down, that there is so much to be thankful for, and with that thankful spirit, is the hope we all desperately need. His blessings are everywhere, it's up to us to look for them. 

I do not know how I’ll feel tomorrow, how I will handle the plans He has for me this Fall (as I start a new job) or even where I’ll be mentally, when this baby is born. It's fair to say that these anxieties are valid- but I refuse to let them go any further than my prayer journal. God promises that He is the one who arms me with the strength I need. Psalm 18:32-33 says It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to stand on the heights. 

I have no answers, I am humbled by my struggles and my role as a Mother as I maneuver my life. I am okay with not knowing the answers because I’ve given my life to the one that does. 

Stay Tuned **

My BEST friend, thank you Lord for her! 

Slowing down and finding the joy in the little things, its hard sometimes, but its worth it! 

Old Shame with New Lessons

 Tonight I’m sitting with you in my kitchen, crumbs still all over the table, towels stacked in a pile waiting to be put away in the bathroom for showers tomorrow & of course our Koda at my feet; he always lands where I do. 

I’ve had something on my heart for the last few weeks and I’ve been muddling with how to speak out on this topic. I decided it was time to get it out and start the conversation because Lord knows we all need some reminders from time to time. None of us are perfect, so many of us are consumed by what goes on in our own lives. We may not know how our words may sting.

When I got pregnant at 18, the feeling of shame was always something I carried. I didn't have a relationship with the Lord yet, I knew Him. I knew of His forgiveness, but I didn't understand the true depth of His love for me and His promises to literally carry my shame and dispose of it for me. It took me years to work through this shame, until I finally was able to lay it down and walk away from it. But when something stings for so long, it's a memory that can creep up on you. Pregnancy for me has always been a couple of things- shameful and something I need to prove, a monumental decision that I need to prove to myself and those around me that I am worthy of handling it.  

Here’s where things get really interesting and as always, I’ve promised to be transparent with you, as much as we thought over our decision to grow our family- I still had old feelings of needing to prove myself to those around me, that I can handle the choices we’ve made for our family. As I was praying over this and processing it, I realized this was from the old wounds I had from when I carried my old shame. 

With pregnancy comes the comments. Ohhhh, the comments. If you’ve been there, you know them. “Were you trying? Was this planned? Oh, honey, you’ll have your hands full!! Oh my goodness, another one? There is more, but you get my point. 

I’m not one that usually pays much attention to things that bother me, I can normally get up and walk away whatever the topic is. But when it comes to this specific topic, I feel like it needs to be talked about more, because I’ve been in such a delicate position where these comments have stung, deeply. 

My mom has always taught me that I am the one that's responsible for my emotions and I have lived by that for many of my adult years, it's true. I can’t give people the weight of my emotions and I need to find my own truth, dig my roots into the foundation of God’s word and when life gets hard, filter your feelings through the truths of God’s love. His opinion is the only one that should have any weight in this heart of mine. 

But I felt so strongly about sharing my own insecurities because I think we need to always speak with kindness and we should always strive to be a source of light in this dark world. As uncomfortable as it was to feel all those emotions of shame, of inadequacy it was so important and I’m thankful for them. 

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Now here’s the real lesson and the point of this entire entry; Nobody could ever prepare you for the challenges of motherhood; but from someone who has maneuvered  the last 7 years being a Mother who had no business in making herself one at 18- I’ve learned that no one really is ready, no one has it figured out, and the comments whether they sting or not, shouldn't be a measurement of how “ready” or “equipped you are” to manage the life you’ve created; quite the contrary. God has a plan for you, you're going to fall, you're going to need saving more times than you can say & it will change your heart from the inside out in all the right ways. 

I believe the only comment that we should say when we hear a young mother say she’s expecting, should be, “God’s plan for your life is beautiful, lean in and enjoy the ride.” 

Being a Mother has been the most rewarding thing I’ll ever do, it has humbled me in endless amounts, it has shown me that life no matter how messy it gets or how many times you mess up, God will forgive me. God has my heart in his hand and he is molding me like clay, and as feeble as I feel at times, I entrust my children’s lives in His hands fully rather than my own.

Do you see now, lovely friend? You don’t have to be ready, you just have to be willing to learn and listen, and the rest will work itself out.

Our 3rd babe in there growing away. Praying the Lord prepares me to raise this little one with strength ❤

Seasons Change

 I sit with you, on my deck, rocking back and forth in my porch swing. I’m letting Koda wander the yard getting out his last wind as he chases and taunts the birds that reside in our backyard. The sun is setting and the air is turning colder with each shift in the light, as the sun slowly finds its way further down the tree line. 

It’s been a very long time since I’ve sat down to write. I can almost surely say that as I sit here with you, listening to the birds chirp their evening song, that I am a very different person than I was the last time I wrote. I’ve spent the last year bending and shifting like the wind I’m feeling across my face. This year has been a year of growth. A year of trust. A year of dying to my own plans and learning to lean in to the story that God is writing for me. I have learned time and time again that my plans will never have the creativity or the meaning that God’s have. 

Each morning, as I've strived to sit with my bible, I’ve asked God life’s biggest questions and I’ve also spent a fair amount of time whining, as I fret about how uncomfortable and weak I feel in my daily fleeting emotions. 

I don’t know about you, but I always enjoy looking back at my facebook memories. I check them, usually everyday, and I always marvel at how much the kids have grown, how our house has evolved (because I’m constantly moving furniture around lol!) and how different my perspective has shifted over the last year. It never fails, a year goes by and I feel like I’ve changed 10 times over, along with the way I handle certain circumstances, whether that be in my marriage or in the way I parent my kids. The constant evolving door of life has taught me important lessons, that no matter how stuck I feel, don’t sit in those feelings too long; because they never last. 

Just as I’ve crafted this blog, my evening has turned into morning and I’m now sitting on the deck at our table, watching the early morning sun glimmer a new day over my kids as they run around our back-yard. The iced coffee I’m sipping is strong and the birds are chirping a totally different tune than they were last night. 

Life is like that, isn't it? A quote from one of my favorite “guilty pleasure” tv shows, Greys Anatomy says; “The carousel never stops turning.” It can scare us or it can excite us; and I truly believe that it’s a choice which one we choose to feel and run with. The year 2020 was a time that so many of us felt fear, a fear of the unknown in so many aspects of life. Still in 2021, we feel the lasting effects as we continue to press onward in our daily lives, hoping that as time marches on we don’t feel too uncomfortable amongst the changes. But as I’ve bended and shifted over the last year, and come to accept the gradual change that ends up being my present life, I've learned that feeling uncomfortable doesn't have to be bad. In fact, within that discomfort is where we can embrace change, the kind of change that pushes us forward in life and gives us clarity and perspective to make the most of our future.  

I’m sitting here once again, in a completely different space as I was in the last paragraph I wrote, now sitting inside in the warmth of our fireplace, it's one of those damp, rainy mornings that make you want to just cuddle up and watch a movie. Life just never stops moving and our circumstances will change so often, that it almost seems silly to place our happiness or stability in them, doesn't it? The best thing we can do for our future selves, is stop this practice. 

 Stop fretting. Stop worrying. Stop placing so much weight in each moment and how we feel in it, and focus on the bigger picture. But how do we do this? It's ironic. We are to focus on the exact moment we’re being given right now. There is something supernatural that happens; before we know it, it’s been a year and we’ve turned around to see how much has changed. We start to rise above our circumstances and see them for what they are; fleeting moments that will carry away like the wind, only to be remembered and learned from. 

It felt so good to sit down and click clack away to the beat of what God’s been teaching me over the last year. I am still in awe at the story he’s been writing for my life. It seems like just yesterday I was struggling through college with a newborn baby, working a part-time pizza job- trying to figure out the new roles of wife & mother that I so carelessly took on. It’s been almost 7 years and I look around and I can visually see the grace of God. Only he can make such a beautiful life out of the messes that I’ve made. I’m 27 now, about to start a brand new job in the Fall, as a preschool teacher. My kids are growing so quickly and each and every day, no matter how frazzled I get in my role as a Mom, I try to cherish all of it. The sound of little feet stomping around the house, the constant noise of giggles and squeels and the never ending eb and flow of a household with little kids. I am thankful. 

I never know how to end these blogs, probably because it isn't really an ending, its just a pause. So i’ll leave you with a bible verse that I like to read when I feel like life and its troubles are just too much. “ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all So we fix our eyes not on waht is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18

Some captures from our current season ❤

Scuba Steve LOL He needed these on his outing with Nana 

Those baby blues! Out enjoying some one on one time with Mama,
 while Hallie's at school. 

Finally to a point in my life where I'm feeling 
so confident in my own skin. It feels good. 💪

Daddy hugs are the best 

Hallie is BACK to school full time! 

The V O I D

 I sit with you on the floor of my living room, sprawled out on my yoga mat. I had every intention of coming out here on this Saturday morning, while my kids play in their rooms, to do a short quiet time and then a yoga session, to get my day started off right.

            As I read my devotional, I felt the stirring of something that’s been brewing inside my soul for a few days now, begin to boil over. I knew that time was on my side, as we have a slow Saturday ahead of us, that it was time to dig out what the Lord has been trying to teach me and lay it all out on this paper. You see, this blog and writing has always served a consistent purpose for me. Picture a wind tunnel, with little POST-It papers flying around the tunnel, as the wind subsides the POST-It’s land in a heap. Writing for me, is like walking in to the tunnel and laying out the papers so they are neat and orderly, sticking them to the walls in a satisfying line.

            As I bound through my days, raising my kids and keeping my home in order, I pause often to cry out to God for help. Its old news that this is hard and I struggle on the daily to be a patient Mom, an attentive friend & to not freak out while I pick up the toys, again. So, as you can imagine, the wind tunnel is my life and the POST-ITS are my thoughts; when I find myself getting tired of the heap, it’s time to write.

             As I was driving home from my cleaning job last night, I felt the ache of a void. This void is not a stranger, it appears often. Usually in the quieter moments of my days, when I’m driving or when I’m laying down to go to bed. It’s the ache, that something is missing; there is an empty space in my heart that longs to be filled.

            As I maneuver my way through life, I’ve come to realize that this void accompanies all of us. We all have our own void that nestles in our souls and convinces us that we don’t have enough of what we need, in our relationships, in our homes, in our cars or even our Amazon cart.

            This void makes us think that we are lacking and we must spend our lives searching for the one thing that will make us feel whole.

            I’ve spent so many quiet mornings with my journal and my pen, crying out to God about my voids. The things I think I need to be happy, to feel like a successful mother, wife or person. As I have done this, and I continue on living my life, the void is still there. Many could say your God doesn’t hear you; He doesn’t care about your void.

But the more time I spend mulling over this emptiness that I feel, no matter how much is in my bank account or how many inches I may have lost around my waist, it’s there.

 

The void is what God uses to remind us that we need Him, that no matter what we’re facing in our lives, if we don’t filter it through God’s promise to love us, take care of us, and give us what we need, we’ll never feel whole.

Matthew 6: 25-34 says.

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?”

 

So my friends, when you feel the void, and your heart is pushing you to fill it with- whatever you think may fill it- be still and look up. Ask God to fill your void with His love, His direction for your life, His promise to give you hope and a future. God is the only thing that will fill your void and give you that wholeness you crave. Find peace in the fact we all feel it, we are not immune. But we now know the source of the void and that when it seems to ache us from the inside out, that it’s the reminder that we need to bow our heads and surrender the things we think will fill us up.