Laying It All Out

            Sitting down with you tonight, I don’t quite know what will become of this entry. It’s been about a month since I’ve even thought to sit down and sift through the words of my heart, but I know that its time. It’s a rainy evening over here; Hallie is in the other room playing ‘dollies’ and Jon has taken off yet again on another late night work run. I’ve become accustomed to quiet nights at home, sometimes I get lost in a T.V show and others I busy myself with daily chores. But tonight, I feel the need to dig a little deeper. 

I’ve struggled with feelings of isolation before, in fact, I’ve dedicated past blog entries to the dreadful feeling. It’s something I don’t think any parent really conquers and only with the shift of time does it work itself out. I know I have a long ways to go, with the reset button about to be pushed with the arrival of our son in just a couple short months. But I still can’t help but ask myself from time to time, what about me? I’m not looking for pity; please don’t see it that way. Obviously I’m a Mother and a Wife and my family and these children we’ve chosen to raise up and love are priority. I want this. But I want other things too. Sometimes I find myself sitting on the couch, mindlessly watching a show or folding laundry and I feel a heavy sigh working itself up from my belly, all the way out. It roots from the lack of stimulation and lack of activity in my brain. I chuckle as I write this because anyone who’s spent day after day with a small child can relate to wanting to roll their eyes at the thought of one more paw patrol episode or the hourly argument about using the potty. I don’t hate this part of my life and I don’t mean to complain. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around how I’m supposed to handle everything this stage has to throw at me, while maintaining a sense of self.

 I miss routine, I miss working, and I even miss the feeling of wanting to go home after a long day. I’m well aware that this is a stage and it will pass. I’m sure I will miss these moments as much as I miss the old routine of my life. Anyone who knows me, knows that with each section of my life, my biggest goal is to live it fully and intentionally; which is why I search so hard to correct this feeling of isolation, because I want to be here and be present in this difficult part of motherhood.

These are all raw feelings and I’m leaving them all out in the open for everyone to see. I don’t know why I do this, sometimes when I push the ‘publish’ button after writing a blog full of open wounds not healed yet; I can’t believe I’m doing it. I think the reason behind my risk of sharing such feelings are not to complain or expose to much of myself, but to share that it’s okay to not pretend that everything is perfect. It’s become too normal to only share the good pictures and memories of our lives. I’m afraid we don’t learn from those. It’s the raw emotion and imperfections that can stir up what needs to be, inside of us.

           

With July coming quickly and the excitement of a new arrival to our growing family, my hope is that I can work through this isolation when it hits me the hardest and feel peace in the simple days that are my life right now. My prayer is that even with all these open wounds, God makes it blatantly obvious the direction and stimulation my heart is seeking. Until next time…

Putting Down Roots

I sit here with you, belly full of warm coffee and my sweet and spicy little toddler to my right. Even with all the changes we’ve put her through lately, we’ve managed to keep her morning routine pretty regular, which has come full circle as we sit with you in our new living room, with the familiar sound of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and her sipping away at orange juice. It’s a surreal feeling to be rocking away in our recliner with the keyboard at my fingertips, feeling content as can be, with so much still to be done. I’ve decided to savor every moment I can, as we enter this new chapter of our Journey, and I can tell I’m growing in the right direction by the feeling of complete peace as I write this out today. Not that long ago, I would have woke up and scribbled out a list of things I need to accomplish today and really lost the joy of this simple, fresh start in our new house. I’ve learned to really relish in the moment and I can tell what God means by telling us to, “Be Still.” You learn so much about yourself and what can become of a simple moment and that it can so easily turn in to a special one. This morning as we do our normal routine, I sat there and sipped my coffee and searched within myself, the root of where this peace was spilling from. I realized for the first time since I was a kid, I was able to feel that sense of ‘home’ and know that my roots could settle in without the uncertainty that they could be ripped from their home. It’s been five years that I’ve been on this adventure to find my new home as an adult and to finally know that I’m here and without hesitancy I can put my roots down in and let them grow, is a wonderful feeling. 

            

Ever since I could remember I was a ‘home body.’ I was the kid at camp that struggled to get out of the van because I knew the comfort of my parents was leaving for a week. I was the kid that only had a couple really close friends that I stayed the night with, because they too, became my home.  Since I was a child, I have found peace, joy and comfort in the familiar things in life that don’t change, and I realize now that a part of me has struggled since I left home to start the adult chapter of my life.

So as I get up and start my first ‘routine’ day and slowly settle the house, I can finally say with certainty that I’ve made it. With the help of my hard-working husband, the firm direction of God leading the way and the many people that supported us along the way, we made it to our resting place, where we can learn, grow, love and make a lifetime worth of memories. 

Simple, slow mornings are the best. 

Raw Confessions

It’s a bright and sunny morning as I sit with you; I haven’t had a still moment like this in a while, where it’s just my toddler and I doing our thing together. While I stay busy, Hallie does her usual, which at the moment is playing with a big spread of play-doh. Since we’ve been staying with my parents, our routine has been shaken to the core and we’ve been struggling with the transition period. With Jon out of work for the past three weeks and all the other change, it was a tough time to say the very least. With our final walk through of our new home scheduled for this Sunday and the closing Monday, it seems we have finally made it to the end. I can’t say it was an extremely enjoyable time; I’ve never been one that thrived in an environment of change and when you’re in the midst of a change this big, throw in a major event like a potential job loss and it’s enough to really mess with you! Before my life takes off, I thought it would be beneficial to sit with the blog one last time. If I know myself well enough, I can’t really unwind and write if my entire house isn’t settled, so in light of not rushing myself, It will be a bit till I’ll write again.

When I go through any span of time that’s been difficult or life changing, I always feel it necessary to find the lesson I can pick from it. That way, I can lay my head down at night and know it wasn’t all for nothing. With the past 5 weeks being a tough time, doused in stress and prayer, I can now say, I can truly appreciate a couple things that I took for granted not so long ago.

1.      My husband and his job. This man that I share my life with, he’s there every day. He helps raise our daughter, he accompanies us to the store and he provides us with so much. But after a while, it’s easy to forget all that he truly does and sacrifice. Sure, my life is full of sacrifices too, but so is his. He works tirelessly at a job day in and day out and never complains. He searches for the joy within his day and he supports us in ways that make our life so comfortable. He is our provider and keeper. Take his job away and the stability it holds, we face major hardship and our foundation shakes. I now see his daily hard work in a new light and I’ll work so hard at keeping this perspective fresh.

2.      My life at home with my kids. How many thoughts have I allowed to enter my brain of how I wish I had a full-time job or how I wish I could just have an afternoon to myself where I didn’t have to arrange a sitter. The thoughts are there people and they can be toxic for your attitude. I saw the beauty in a simple routine at home with my daughter when I was yanked out of it so swiftly. She thrives at home, I see that now. She needs stability and so do I.

3.      A household to maintain. How many times have I muttered about the constant crumbs on my kitchen floor? Or sighed in frustration about the endless string of toys and clothes that need putting away? Or even the amount of time I spend tirelessly in the kitchen, meal planning, cooking, and cleaning? Take that all away in one night and you may think it would be heaven. After a week of this, you’ll miss your space. You’ll miss your routine of maintaining this house that you work tirelessly to keep. It’s an interesting thought and some may not agree, but my experience was just this. The home that is so much work to keep day in and day out, is worth it. It’s my life right now, and without it, half of my job becomes uprooted and a void develops.

These three simple reminders have given me such clarity as I move forward in this new chapter of life; a new house, new memories and a fresh new perspective to take on my first days under the roof of our new home. I can’t wait to dig in and start the frenzy that is sure to come with moving in, but before I do, I’m taking a deep breath and breathing in the peace and quiet. Even though this past month or so that we stayed here at my parents was full of stress, frustration and feelings difficult for me to understand, I can now say that this whole stay was worth it. It wasn’t just a safe place to rest our heads and count down until we have our new home. It was a period of time that grew me in more ways than one. It chiseled away pieces of me that I needed to shed and humbled me in areas of my life that desperately needed it. Now, it’s time to move forward.

There is something so exciting and final about the SOLD sign! 

Growing Pains

            It’s been a long time since I’ve given myself a chance to sit and lay out the whirlwind of my life down on a piece of paper. This entry has been crafting itself within my heart for a couple weeks now and it feels good to be able to sit down and finally lay it all out.

            

          About 3 weeks ago we packed up our little rental house on county route 12 and moved most of our belongings in to a 10 x 10 storage unit. As we closed the door to our unit seeing most of our things stacked and packed in to a dark pile, I remember silently whispering to myself, “Here we go...” This whole situation was a big leap of faith. As explained in my last post, after finding out we needed to move from our rental, we were at a loss of what to do. Shortly after, we ended up finding a house down the road that seemed to be a perfect fit for our growing family. Since January we have been in the process of purchasing the house and now are days away from closing. In the beginning of February, we began staying with my parents as a temporary resting place until the paperwork was official and we could officially call the new place, ours.

            

               It was a Thursday morning, one week in to our stay at my parents. Jon was traveling for work, and Hallie and I were trying to settle in to a routine of our own. It was one of those moments that you hear about that can change your life. It changes your mindset, your perspective on everything and shakes you from within. I received a phone call from my husband that he had been in an accident. All I heard from the other line was my shaken husband, telling me he was okay, but he was terrified that this accident could end his career.

           

                  As reality set in, the true meaning of this incident set in. What if Jon loses his job? What if the bank ducks out and we’re dropped at square one with a 2 year old and a child on the way. I’m a practical thinker and the realistic, terrifying ‘what ifs’ were eating me alive. I tried to focus on the fact he was safe and healthy and I prayed to God that we would be taken care of and his job would be spared.

            

                 Three, painfully slow, weeks dragged by as we waited with his career in the balance. As this was an accident with a big corporation, there were necessary legal steps that needed to be taken and they held him at suspension until a conclusion was come to that he could either come back to work or be let go to find work elsewhere.

           

                 I can’t even begin to explain the angst I felt as each day passed and no news had come our way. It was a test on our relationship. It was a test on my patience as our life was already flipped upside down because of our current limbo stage, and most importantly it was a test on my faith. There was a moment I had where I was asked a serious question, “Do you trust that God will take care of you?” I immediately said, “Yes!” Though, immediately after, the true question followed, “Why are you so worried, then?”

          

        God was teaching us an important lesson, and I knew it. When you’re in the midst of a lesson like that, it’s really hard to trust that whatever the outcome is, you’ll be okay with. I fought with my anxiety every step of the way, but always seemed to come- full circle as I would bow my head trying to search for peace and rest. Throughout those three weeks of waiting, I had some pretty raw conversations with our Lord, and it brings tears to my eyes being able to say I made it to the end of this mess with a better understanding what this life is really about.

We are given no promises. We are given no guarantees that when life is going good, it will keep down that path. God taught me the importance of being still and waiting for His answer. God taught me how important a solid support system, praying for you and holding you steady, can be in the rocky times of life. God taught me to search for the blessings within each day, even if you have to look really hard. He taught me that He is good, all the time.

Three weeks to the day of his accident, we received the news of a lifetime, that his job was spared and he was welcomed back with open arms to start back to work.

I sit with you here, with my coffee hot and my heart as open as it’s ever been, and I’m so thankful to be sharing this news with all of you. I’m so grateful for this blog that gives me a platform to lay all of this out and see it as another chapter to my Journey, as he molds me and shapes me in to whoever I’ll become.

We are now days away from our closing day and soon our life will take off and we will settle in to our new home and I can begin nesting for our baby BOY, Luke, to be born this July. These past three weeks have been a test on many levels, but I can now say, that I can walk forward with a new sense of gratitude. I recently heard my Dad talking to a friend of his and he used the phrase, 'growing pains' to explain what we were going through. So that's where I'll end this, that even though things can be painful and hard, they are necessary to make us grow. 

xoxo

Just thought I'd share the beauty of Spring! Love to see all that snow melting :) 

Peace, Serenity & Chaos

            I sit with you in attempt to find a little blip of peace, quiet and serenity. This blog serves many purposes for me but one of them is the ability to lose myself in my writing. I always come away refreshed, with a new perspective and usually a clearer picture of what lies in front of me. Oh and did I mention an excuse to drink a whole cup of coffee, uninterrupted?

          

  As mentioned in the last entry, we are well on our way to moving in to our forever home; which as enticing and dreamy as that sounds, the details really weigh it down. As an organized, routine crazed junky, this is the most overwhelmed I think I’ve ever felt. There is constant list scribbling, frantic eyes moving around my once very put-together house and lots of deep breathes.

          

  With this being our last week in the old home, things have been out of the ordinary and as much as I’d like to say to all of you, how spontaneous and adventurous I am, well that’s not the case. I’m coming clean. I’m a wreck! I don’t flourish in situations like this and I really just want to hermit in to a corner until it’s all done. I’ve been trying to find a sense of self in this lack of self, I’ve discovered. I think I have.

           

When I’m at my weakest and I feel like running away, I pause. I take a moment and breathe and then I ask for strength. I ask God to give me strength to get through this tantrum Hallie’s throwing, strength to dig deep for patience and compassion to better understand what this might be like for her, and strength to laugh about the things that go wrong.

           

I think the most important thing I’ve taken from this chaotic time, is the importance of peace. Allowing myself to retreat in a moment and search for His strong voice. You hear it all while you grow up, how important it is to have a ‘quiet time’ and for young minds and busy hands it can be difficult. But, we need to center ourselves and find the peace He represents. In that, is the only time we’ll hear what He’s trying to tell us. I can speak for only myself here but I’ve found so much clarity in those peaceful moments.

            

So, with all that being said, this time in my life isn’t even remotely over and I’ll have many months to come, in trying to settle our lives down before our 2^nd baby arrives this summer. But I have hope in my Journey, that with each lesson and prayer, it comes together a little bit more, and by the end it, what a masterpiece it will be. 

One of the Beautiful sites of moving...stacks of boxes that need to be moved. 

It's Home.

I sit with you this evening with a joyful spirit, a full heart, and a very full glass of apple juice. 

I am now officially in my 2^nd Trimester for this pregnancy and I have to say the cravings are in full force this time around! This blog isn’t much about the pregnancy, as it’s been wonderfully uneventful. Due to past losses, I am grateful for each day that passes that I crave very specific juice flavors and almost forget that I carry another life within me, as I chase my lively toddler around. The lack of ‘excitement’ comforts me in knowing, there is a sweet life nestled inside me, growing each day. The giant belly that offsets my balance is looming in the near future, but for now I savor each day, as they are very special; growing a new life and new addition to our family.

As I bring up new growth I must bring up the exciting fact, we’ve bought a home! If you told me even 2 weeks ago that this happened, I wouldn’t believe you. But that’s the interesting thing about God. He is the ultimate provider, and even when you don’t know what you need or how on earth God could make something happen for you, He shows you He can do it.

I’ve grown a lot in my relationship with the Lord in the last year. I’ve always claimed I believed but I never felt the pure and raw emotion I always saw in others as they worshiped or spoke of their experiences. I never knew how to reach it or even how to go about finding it. I began a prayer journal over a year ago and as I’ve mentioned in past posts, it’s helped me a lot. It’s shown me the faithfulness that God so subtly sprinkles in and around my days. And as I realize now, all of those little prayers he answered for me, was preparing me for the ultimate demonstration of love in my life thus far. To take this relationship I’ve had growing for the Lord, to a level of trust I’d never had in Him. I’d heard about, but never felt for myself.

***

It was a gloomy day, my daughter had just gone down for a nap and I had just gotten off the phone with my Dad. We had a heart to heart about my current life situation. Jon and I were faced with another move. We didn’t want to leave the home we had been renting for the last year, but due to circumstances, it was necessary. I had been scouring the internet for apartments to rent but nothing seemed doable or appealing to move my growing family of almost 4 in to. I sat there staring out the window at the freezing rain and cried like I’ve never cried before. I felt hopeless. A home is a special place to me and to feel like I was faced with a task I didn’t know how to complete, I wept. I cried out to God for help. After a while, that was it. I picked myself up and went about day.  

I won’t get in to the entire story, because the details are long and I’d go on for days. But what I can say, is the next day we found ourselves with an opportunity to apply for a mortgage loan, a special loan that is only available for certain areas due to agricultural qualifications. So in other words, this house was one house that qualified for one specific loan that happened to be a perfect fit for my family. In the perfect location, the perfect price and the inside was as beautiful as the outside.  

We were approved almost instantly and two days later our offer was accepted.

I’ve had a couple days to digest this but as the details come together; each hurdle we face has been laid out before us and taken care of. God has orchestrated this entire thing and made sure I was taken care of and that is just; breath-taking. The turn of events I’ll never forget and I’ll base the rest of my life on trusting him and leading my family to learn of his true love and faithfulness. Every day as I pull up to my home and remember how we found it, it will be a living testament of how involved our God is and how much He cares for you and me.

What a gift.

xxoo

Mallory 

When Love isn't Enough

It’s a chilly Sunday evening as I sit with you. This weekend has flown by and I almost can’t believe Christmas time is upon us. Our plump Christmas tree, illuminating our living room, is a friendly reminder that life is just flying by. So instead of climbing in to bed, like I normally would, I chose to stay up a little later and document a few of my latest findings in my journey of life.

The peaceful state that my house is in, is due to a couple things: my busy toddler is tucked in for the night and my husband has taken off on a late work run, yet again. I often have quiet nights like these, where I’m left to my thoughts and more often than not I choose to sit down with my prayer journal, rather than turn on the TV. It’s a habit I’ve been working hard on, mostly because God has shown me how faithful he is, oddly, by using my own words. I often flip through the pages and read back through struggles I was having only a year ago and I’m given a perspective that is so humbling. A perspective that shows me to not fret at what state my life may be in, because it will soon change. I realize that by writing these prayers down, I see first-hand how much God is involved in my life and the more I write, the more opportunities I give him to be faithful. It’s a truth that warms my heart from the inside out and gives me a peace that no quiet night ever could. I’m just so thankful.

           

 Ever since I became a Mother, my life has felt as if it’s barreling down the tracks at warp speed, something about sacrificing yourself to a family and a child that makes life just fly. I found out about 2 months ago that we are expecting another child, this summer. I have been using these past few months to process and when I get a quiet moment like this to ponder how expanding my family will change my life, I get lost in my thoughts. I’ve realized by having another child, we are becoming this family. This unit that goes together and nothing excites me more than being able to be a part of something so sacred.

            

My last recent finding is an important one, and for those who are still reading, thank you for caring about my words enough to read this much! I promise I have a point. Probably the biggest part of my life is my marriage. Many of you know how quickly Jon and I chose to make the decision of a lifetime. We were dating for years, but never in an adult sort of way. We were kids who fell in love and developed a bond that was strong. Never did I realize how much selflessness and perseverance it takes to make a healthy marriage. I’m human and I have desires and sometimes they don’t involve being tied to another. But that’s the point of all this. Prayer, children and family…it all starts with two. I have tears just writing this because of how devoted I am, to my husband in becoming a solid team, a force to be reckoned with when our kids test us and a love that holds strong through the years. 

I suppose it will take years to develop this and plenty of entries in my prayer book, but until then, I’ll just leave this all here. I have faith in our story and each tough moment we trek through, my constant prayer is that we’ll manage to stay hand in hand, with each other and our Maker. 

Us. 

-Jon and I are quickly approaching our 3rd marriage anniversary and I am excited to celebrate together. We both have admitted that this marriage thing isn't for the weak. I'm glad we can joke about it together! -