A Toxic Situation

            It’s been too long since I’ve had a little blogging therapy and tonight I’d say is shaping up to be a perfect night to do just that. So much has changed since I’ve last sat down with you and I’m grateful as ever to be sharing these new details of my life with you. We have successfully moved away from a toxic situation in to a new situation that’s proven to be exactly what my family needed.

            Towards the end of February we began to pack up our apartment to venture across counties and back in to the country where my heart has always belonged. I can’t explain the love I have for long county roads and tree lines that don’t break often but it’s there and I can only say embracing it has made my heart happy. We live in a little house off of route 12 and I’ve been bustling about for a month now trying to make it feel like a home. The kind of home that I grew up in, where home cooked meals were always on the menu and the sound of evening TV always seemed to soothe the soul. We’ve settled in to a new routine and life is good and relatively stress free again.

            I mentioned a toxic situation prior to us moving on and was in fact the reason we decided to move so quickly. It was unfortunate and the way we were treated after putting up with so much was not pleasant and I’ve been silently coping with the abruptness of how everything went down. My character was questioned when I worked so hard to maintain it. My faith was made fun of when I clung to it. It was a lot to handle and even more difficult when I had no home to feel at home at. It’s taken a good month to mentally get over how I was treated and I can now come to the blog and lay out what I took away from this life lesson.

Sometimes people fall short and they treat you really bad. Rather than wave your fist back at them and try to maintain your point- don’t. Walk away with your held high and your dignity in tact because that is way more important than trying to make your point to a person that can’t listen.

I know a lot of this is mysterious and I can’t get in to details but I can say that no matter what we face in life, the hardest of situations can be handled with grace. Look up to God and hold your head high- higher than the problem at hand. God’s way always prevails!

With all that being said, I’m so excited to move forward in this new home. God provided in such a BIG way. He didn’t let me win the fight and he didn’t allow me to get the last word in- because that’s not what’s important. What’s important is he paved the way for me to find new beginnings and learn from the past. As I sit here in this quiet corner of my new home, I see him in every part and I feel so much peace knowing I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

*I've had a couple questions wondering if this 'toxic situation' has anything to do with my marriage. Jon and I are happily married and he's been right beside us during our move to this beautiful country home. The situation refers to the place we were living and the people that were renting us the apartment we left. Due to the nature of kinship my ex- landlord and I hold, I decided not to provide details. 

Turning the page to a new chapter

            The more I venture through this life, the more I question why I wanted to grow up so bad. The pressure of making adult decisions and wondering if they are the right ones to get you to the future in one piece is always nerve wracking. Thankfully, walking through this life with a firm belief that God is steering me with his mighty hand is enough to put my big girl pants on and make the tough decisions when it counts. These past few months we’ve felt that it was time to move on from our current home in B-ville and search for a new home better equipped for my noisy toddler and evolving needs as a growing family. As a young couple we aren’t in a position to purchase a home yet so we set out to find the ‘perfect’ rental in hopes God would make the right place evident. It took months. Months of worry, prayer, wondering if this was the right move. As time passed and options widdled away, I began to feel frantic. I remember countless, quiet mornings I would look to my bible and plea with God for a clear sign. We continued to sit on our hands and muddle through life, hopeful.

            Now the twist to this personal story is that following a joking conversation with my sister, we began to consider making the move with her. With her at cross-road in life and us desperately seeking for a place to feel at home, we began the search together. With a couple of stressful weeks, craigslist scammers and countless texts and calls to strangers, we ended up at a cute little home on county route 12. It became clear to all of us after our tour that this place was the one and the three of us graciously shook hands with our new landlord.

I can’t begin to express the relief of finally knowing what the future holds. It’s a scary transition but exciting one as we venture through this new chapter in our life. And even more exciting I get to share this chapter with my older sister. I hold where we live very close to my heart and I don’t take it lightly. This new home will be where memories are made, where I raise Hallie in her toddler years and I’m sure many laughs and life lessons will be held.

An update is sure to come for you all, but until then I will be furiously organizing and list making-

Xoxo  

It's time...

            Today was like any other low-key day for my little family of three. I awoke early to a laundry-list of chores bouncing between tired thoughts of what might lie ahead in our day. I made breakfast for my eager 18 month old and then shared my shower time with an applesauce covered baby. It was a day that began like many other days in this stage of life of early mother-hood.

The reason I paint a small glimpse of how my morning went, (and how many other mornings go) is to let you in on an unglamorous and average lifestyle I lead, which brings me to the theme of this blog today; self-image. Lately, I’ve been trying so hard to keep my head up and keep telling myself that I’m beautiful. It’s a daily struggle that I fight and today I reached a turning point in this constant battle between looks and self-confidence.

This afternoon, Jon and I took a trip over to my parents’ house to help them move various pieces of furniture for their upcoming remodel. While trying to chase Hallie around and help out where I could, I found myself standing next to a traveling closet full of old clothes. As I glanced through the rack, my eyes landed on a long, pearl colored sleeve with little beads. my eyes lit up as it was my wedding dress. We transitioned things so quickly I honestly hadn’t known where my wedding dress ended up and seeing it this way, so carefully placed next to a bunch of worn clothes, it stood out fiercely.  It gave me comfort knowing it was stored in such a safe, promising place. I carefully took it off the rack and memories flooded back. I scooped Hallie up and quietly brought it out to our car while everyone else was bustling about moving things. As I walked back in the house I told myself I would try it on later tonight and no matter what I looked like in it, I would love myself.

After a fun dinner at our neighborhood Applebee’s with my family, we made our way home and got Hallie settled in bed. I ventured in to my bedroom to try on my dress. With the door shut I changed in to it and walked over to the mirror not sure how I would feel once I saw the reflection. The dress was tight but still fit comfortably; the fitted dress hugged my curves and didn’t hide the pouch that once housed my now 18 month old.

As corny as this may sound, I told myself enough was enough. I needed to stop beating myself up for having a body that wasn’t the same as it had been. I needed to stop grabbing at my stretched stomach unsatisfied and in disgust. I needed to embrace the fact I grew a child and with that miracle comes stretch marks and extra skin.  

My insecurities have had enough of my time and tonight it’s time to focus on what’s right in front of me. I’m a mom that puts my child first at all times. I’m a mom that spends my free time meal-planning and couponing. I’m a mom that works part-time and exhausts myself for the sake of providing for her. I don’t have enough energy to spend wasting on fretting about the way my shirt fits and what I look like.

Now after all, it is a new year and with a new year comes things we’d like to change. Instead of focusing on this never-ending battle between my mind and body I’ve taken a couple steps that may help me change some things for the better. Jon and I decided to join our local YMCA and start working out as a couple. This not only will give us some one on one time together but I’m hoping will assist in getting healthy and give me an edge that will help put a stop to the harsh critique that looks back at me in the mirror every morning.  

As I might add, this post is a super personal one. No one likes to admit that they have insecurities and though I’m sure many of us struggle with the weight topic, I just want to encourage you to have confidence in yourself. It’s such a difficult thing but we need to dig deep and realize that there is so much more than appearance and weight that makes up a beautiful person.

Tonight as I looked at my reflection, I knew that there was more to what meets the eye. I’m more than my stretchy skin and pudgy arms and as long as I keep this perspective, nothing can keep me from shining. 

The End of this Journey

                I’m sitting up at my laptop, my screen illuminating the middle of my apartment. It’s rare I’m awake this late…usually the first chance I get, my tired head hits the pillow and I don’t rise until I hear the whimpers of my one year old in the next room over. For some reason tonight I lie awake, thoughtful. Instead of lying in my bed, tossing and turning, I ended up in front my laptop, scouring through old pictures I’ve backed up in to a folder onto my desktop. Pictures of days that seem so far away from this quiet, restless moment I’m living right now. Pictures that bring memories flooding back that make me wish I chose a different path. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to have these thoughts. I’ve held on to them for some time now and instead of harboring them and feeling ashamed of them, I’ve decided to come clean. These pictures show a thoughtful 19 year-old, daring her way through life, choosing the path that she knew could be risky but was oh so enchanting. I find myself thinking back to these days often, when I was free, had little to no responsibility other than myself and when I bring up the pictures that hold these memories so clear, I can’t help but carry my mind a little further on to what may have happened if I chose to not be so daring, not so risky. My mind usually comes to a halt, knowing that these thoughts are pointless. I chose a daring road that led to a one way street to adult-hood. My friends, it’s taken over a year to come to terms with my path and as I slowly pace my way down it, I graciously become more and more okay with the outcome. You see, it’s been a Journey. One that I am sure will lead to a completely different person that appears in those pictures I look at. I can feel her being reborn and the journey it’s taken to become this new woman, wife, mother that I am becoming is for sure the most difficult thing of all; A soul-searching journey that has led to this sleepless night and heart-felt blog. I feel that this blog may be coming to an end; it’s done its purpose. It’s allowed me to process this journey aloud, with such raw emotion that never could have been painted another way. I’m not sure of the woman I am yet, but I’m sure that I’m on my way to becoming her. I can look through these pictures knowing it’s okay to feel remorse for days I gave up. I can look ahead knowing that growth is a sure thing as long as you’re willing to mull over your past and admit when you are wrong. Life is about making mistakes as long as you’re willing to learn from them. I may not recognize myself these days as that thoughtful, daring 19 year old but I know that this person I’m growing in to is worth the journey it’s taken to get here.

A Mother's Mistake

            It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve been able to take some time to scribble out a blog, so this morning I come to you with a full mind, full heart, and of course…a full cup of coffee!!

            Life as I know it has changed since my little ball of energy began climbing. On chairs, toilet seats, on top of the couch, anything with an elevated surface sure to make my blood pressure rise. It’s been a whole new ball game since this milestone hit and it doesn’t leave me much time in the day to stray from watching over my risky 17 month old. This means simple tasks as doing the dishes and loading up the washing machine can prove to be a longer ordeal than I ever imagined! My patience has been tested to a whole new level and at times I can’t do anything but close my eyes and focus on breathing.

            I share this new found difficulty with you not to vent or complain but to share the lesson these trials brought forth. In the many moments in the past couple of weeks where I’ve regrettably raised my voice at this curious little toddler in training, I felt God get ahold of me in a startling way. He shifted my perspective and I truly believe he allowed me to see my perfectly crafted, Hallie Grace, fearfully and wonderfully made by the man himself. Not for a mischievous little annoyance but for a curious, innocent, and bright little joy that she is. I felt ashamed and I felt like a failure. How dare I raise my voice when she needs a loving touch in the right direction?

            One of my favorite things about being a Mom and venturing down this path of unknown mother-hood is the constant growth that comes along with it. If we just allow ourselves to take the challenges as they come graciously and look to God for a moment of peace when needed, we got this! 

  It's a frustrating business being a mom and it brings new challenges daily. I pray for all you woman out there struggling through this 24/7 job. If we choose to look to God in our weak moments, we're sure to conquer anything. 

xoxo

Mallory

Perfection isn't Always Perfect.

        It’s a beautiful late October afternoon over here in B-ville. It’s been an uneventful Monday but also a productive one. Hallie and I have just come in from a half hour outside, playing in the leaves and kicking her mini soccer ball around. Must have been the fresh air because I felt compelled to come over and blog about our recent events in this lovely life I’m lucky enough to live every day.

        I think it’s easy to get swept up in the idea that we don’t have enough. We don’t make enough money, we don’t have enough time to spend doing the things we like to do, and the list could go on. Something I find myself lucky to have discovered young is that if we base our wants and desires on a worldly standard we will never find satisfaction. After all, we’re flooded with examples all day long! As a married woman in a young marriage it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that we don’t have enough to make it in this materialistic world. We could dwell on the idea that we don’t have nearly enough money to purchase a house or another car or whatever seems to be a ‘need’ at the moment.

         

         Recently, Jon and I sat down at our little kitchen table and went over our bills together. My practical mind began whirring and I thought about everything that wasn’t lining up how I would like it. After we had finished putting the money where it counted we both sat there in silence. Jon looked up at me and smiled, “we’re doing alright,” he said. I was kind of shocked at the statement and the calm nature to his voice. I was in the middle of thinking viciously about how I could save more money, not how we were doing ‘alright’! Then, I stopped. I stopped thinking and I just looked at him and how calm he was sitting over there with his pen and paper.

   

       I’ve thought about that moment a lot since it happened and though it wasn’t a romantic dinner over lobster and wine, it was as special as any date could’ve turned out to be. My husband, my best friend and my life companion was standing so firm and confident in a time I really needed him to. A silent reminder that everything doesn’t need to be perfect or in order, that doing alright was enough!

   

       So as we venture through the upcoming seasons of this young life we’ve just begun, the practical, perfectionist side of me can take a break and let things roll out the way they should. I was reminded in recent morning devotion that God originally created us to need rest. In fact, crave rest. So as I slowly master this mom/wife/adult thing, I should remember that rushing around trying to perfect everything is a waste. God has already perfected it.

Thought I would add a little memory from this afternoon. :)

A Quiet Time like No Other

I’m sitting down with you with yesterday’s coffee, Hallie In the other room watching her favorite, Baby Einstein, and a sink full of dishes. This morning began as every other morning but it feels different. I’ve always tried to have time with God; it’s been a goal since as long as I can remember. I’ve been given devotional after devotional that managed to find its way over on the book shelf in a neat row. The pages never really opened except for the first initial skim. I honestly am not proud to explain this neglect to you, but I feel it needs to be addressed in order to understand the gift that God presented to me in the peacefulness of this October morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table thinking about how stressed I was to complete the day. The house needed to be cleaned, I need to attend a Dr. Appointment at 11am, and I need to somehow make my way to the flooring store to complete the weekly logging of the books. Everything kind of piled on me in a really unpleasant way and I began to feel the weight of my responsibilities, yet again, bear down on my shoulders. For anyone that’s experienced this, it’s exhausting! Definitely not a feeling you long to feel so early in the morning.  Without doing my usual stress reliever which is whip in to my daily wipe down of the kitchen, I bowed my head to ask for strength.

My friends, the words came flowing out my mouth without any warning. I began talking to God about everything as if he was in the kitchen chair next to me. It was a simple prayer, nothing special, but it brought me so much peace and urged me to drop everything and race over to my computer to type out my feelings. It occurred to me that I had just had my first authentic, “Quiet Time” with God.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a warm, loving, Godly home. I can remember waking up from my bedroom at the end of the hall and hearing my mom softly whispering in the front room. As I made my way down our hallway, I would find my Mom sitting in her green chair with her bible in her lap, whispering away to God. It became a comfort and as I think about it today, I smile, seeing the bigger picture now. My sweet Mother was having a quiet time with God, the same God I bowed before this morning.  It brings tears to my eyes to know that through the simple ritual of having a personal quiet mediation with God all those years before her children awoke, it’s made its way to me. Now a mother searching for the same thing I’m sure my mom was seeking every morning; strength to face the day ahead and a clear mind to restore faith in her creator.  

In a minute, I’ll get up from my desk and go about my usual morning routine and it will be different than yesterday. I will be mindful of the promise I was given in the quiet whispers of my morning prayer, that he’s with me and I can do this only with his help.