I sit with you
with a nervous and anxious spirit, sipping on a glass of Vitamin C. It doesn’t
sound like the most glamorous night; in fact, these are what most nights have looked like lately, sporting tattered
sweats, a messy bun and probably a pretty tired expression.
For those friends
who have faithfully taken the time to always read my blogs, you know I try to
paint a very real picture in hopes to spread some authenticity in this world.
Tonight through anxious tears, I decided to open up and write these stressful
moments out to share, because I have to believe I’m not the only one
struggling. Mother-hood has me on this
roller coaster of emotions. One day I am feeling good, I have my hair straightened
and my brows done, with an iced coffee to boot! I’m feeling like for once I
have it together. The kids are dressed and I’m on time! Those days are good, I
like those days.
But how come the
bad days, are so bad? The days where I have a house job to clean, the kids are
still sick after 4 long days, I have no food in the fridge and my jeans keep
falling down. The days where the tears are hot and they stream down my face in
frustration. I cannot help but think back to a time, before children, where I
lived most days for myself and I decided how I’d spend it. Those days were so
easy. Then I get mad at myself for thinking that way, because how could I ever
wish for a day where my kids weren’t there? Then the guilt sets in.
Every day I
survive as a Mother, is a day I also wonder, will it get easier anytime soon?
It’s also a day that I continue to learn about myself as a Mother and not just
Mallory. How do the two combine and who will be left after? I don’t have it together,
not even close. I ask for help often from my people, like my sister and my own
Mom. I often wonder how my Mom must have felt, while she was raising me.
Wishing and hoping she didn’t feel this lonely or lost. I’m sure she did. She
is a Mother.
There is pain, joy, frustration, exhaustion
and of course; love. A lot of love.
That love that drives us to constantly want
better for them and always push through the moments of frustration and
exhaustion.
I know it probably sounds like I’m a
basket case, and yeah tonight I am. But I had to sit down and share these
thoughts, because there is also a beauty in another Mother hearing they aren’t alone.
They aren’t crazy and they don’t have an anxiety problem and they don’t need to
feel guilty for wishing for simpler times. I realize that at the end of these
years, as my kids grow and these nights of anxiety will all be a memory, I will
be able to say, that I did it. I made it through in one piece and am strong and
worthy of basking in that.
WE can do this.
