Sitting down with you tonight, I don’t quite know what
will become of this entry. It’s been about a month since I’ve even thought to
sit down and sift through the words of my heart, but I know that its time. It’s
a rainy evening over here; Hallie is in the other room playing ‘dollies’ and
Jon has taken off yet again on another late night work run. I’ve become
accustomed to quiet nights at home, sometimes I get lost in a T.V show and
others I busy myself with daily chores. But tonight, I feel the need to dig a
little deeper.
I’ve struggled with feelings of isolation before, in fact, I’ve
dedicated past blog entries to the dreadful feeling. It’s something I don’t
think any parent really conquers and only with the shift of time does it work
itself out. I know I have a long ways to go, with the reset button about to be
pushed with the arrival of our son in just a couple short months. But I still can’t
help but ask myself from time to time, what about me? I’m not looking for pity;
please don’t see it that way. Obviously I’m a Mother and a Wife and my family
and these children we’ve chosen to raise up and love are priority. I want this.
But I want other things too. Sometimes I find myself sitting on the couch,
mindlessly watching a show or folding laundry and I feel a heavy sigh working
itself up from my belly, all the way out. It roots from the lack of stimulation
and lack of activity in my brain. I chuckle as I write this because anyone who’s
spent day after day with a small child can relate to wanting to roll their eyes
at the thought of one more paw patrol episode or the hourly argument about
using the potty. I don’t hate this part of my life and I don’t mean to
complain. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around how I’m supposed to handle everything
this stage has to throw at me, while maintaining a sense of self.
I miss routine,
I miss working, and I even miss the feeling of wanting to go home after a long
day. I’m well aware that this is a stage and it will pass. I’m sure I will miss
these moments as much as I miss the old routine of my life. Anyone who knows me, knows that with each section of my life, my biggest goal is to live it fully and
intentionally; which is why I search so hard to correct this feeling of
isolation, because I want to be here and be present in this difficult part of
motherhood.
These are all raw
feelings and I’m leaving them all out in the open for everyone to see. I don’t
know why I do this, sometimes when I push the ‘publish’ button after writing a
blog full of open wounds not healed yet; I can’t believe I’m doing it. I think
the reason behind my risk of sharing such feelings are not to complain or
expose to much of myself, but to share that it’s okay to not pretend that
everything is perfect. It’s become too normal to only share the good pictures
and memories of our lives. I’m afraid we don’t learn from those. It’s the raw
emotion and imperfections that can stir up what needs to be, inside of us.
With July coming quickly and the excitement of a new
arrival to our growing family, my hope is that I can work through this
isolation when it hits me the hardest and feel peace in the simple days that
are my life right now. My prayer is that even with all these open wounds, God
makes it blatantly obvious the direction and stimulation my heart is seeking. Until
next time…
