It's a surreal feeling for me to sit down with this empty paper. I usually read my last post and then sit here with my fingers hovering the keyboard and its always a mystery of what's going to end up on the page. Blogging is not as much as an outlet for me but it's a way of sorting through whatever is going on in my life. With the everyday changes that seem to occur regularly, it's only natural for me to need to sit down in a quiet corner of my life and mull over the recent piece of the Journey.
Sadly the theme in life lately has been anxiety. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that because it's always something that I've run from. It runs fiercely through my family and I was always proud to be labeled as the chill one. I blame it on hormones but I'm pretty sure it's just me at this certain point in my life. I get the privilege of speaking on the phone with my beloved friend every now and then. Our recent conversation revolved around the inevitable realization that money sucks. There is never enough and for me and my friend we like the sense of security. My savings account has looked pretty barren lately and even though I have everything I need (and MORE) I still seem to toss and turn and crunch the numbers in my head. I know I am just starting out and it takes time to learn how to manage the money and put it where it counts, but I still need to remind myself that money isn't everything.
I thank my husband for this reminder daily. I realize that I am a pain. I realize that I have a stressed look in my eye too often and I realize that I need to stop going on a Dunkin coffee run every single day.
But on a serious note, I needed to sit down and take a good hard look at not the numbers but my trust in the Lord. Once I focused on all that I had and all that God has provided for my family and I, all those money worries seemed to dissolve. Now it's not to be said that I need to throw my hands up and say God will take care of this for me but when I start to feel like the world is crumbling down around me because the money isn't as plentiful as what's comfortable, that's when its time to take a chill pill and look to God because he is always enough.
It took Three months.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
As I wrote out the title for this blog, I couldn't help but laugh to myself. There are so many tears, laughs, memories and hardships that lye indefinitely in that little sentence. You read the funny articles on Facebook, you hear the warnings as you walk around bearing a giant belly below you, and you prepare yourself as much as you can for 9 months until before you know it, your sitting there in a hospital bed with a squishy baby that you don't know staring up at you. It's a process that happens the same way for every woman but so differently as well. The last 3 months have been a Journey that was unexpected on so many levels.
The first month was a blur filled with casseroles, fruit salads and family. I can hardly remember it all because It was all so new and shocking.
The second month was a rude awakening. I can still remember laying in my bed at night with my husband snoring away next to me as nothing ever changed, and I thought to myself how different life was. The challenge of trying to fit normal day activities in to a 3 hour span of time because my daughter needs to eat every three hours. The challenge of carrying a heavy car seat down 32 steps every day and maneuvering her in to the tiny back seat of my Elantra. The challenge of learning to take care of yourself as well as a baby that needs you and a husband that works hard for the both of you.
The third month: the best yet. I've settled in to a routine with my squishy baby, She has transformed from a little stranger to my whole entire life. My perfect daughter was gifted with this personality that just radiates. She looks up at me with her big blue eyes and a feeling washes over me that makes everything right in the world. She makes those 32 steps and sleepless nights vanish and all I see is a future, Filled with smiles, baking cookies, crafts and school shopping. My plan is to give her the life that she deserves.
Hallie Grace was exactly what I needed in this unpredictable life, A constant. A constant reminder that no matter how many bills come in the mail, or how many time my husbands car breaks down that this life is short and those things don't make up the whole picture. They are just bumps in this Journey we call life.
The first month was a blur filled with casseroles, fruit salads and family. I can hardly remember it all because It was all so new and shocking.
The second month was a rude awakening. I can still remember laying in my bed at night with my husband snoring away next to me as nothing ever changed, and I thought to myself how different life was. The challenge of trying to fit normal day activities in to a 3 hour span of time because my daughter needs to eat every three hours. The challenge of carrying a heavy car seat down 32 steps every day and maneuvering her in to the tiny back seat of my Elantra. The challenge of learning to take care of yourself as well as a baby that needs you and a husband that works hard for the both of you.
The third month: the best yet. I've settled in to a routine with my squishy baby, She has transformed from a little stranger to my whole entire life. My perfect daughter was gifted with this personality that just radiates. She looks up at me with her big blue eyes and a feeling washes over me that makes everything right in the world. She makes those 32 steps and sleepless nights vanish and all I see is a future, Filled with smiles, baking cookies, crafts and school shopping. My plan is to give her the life that she deserves.
Hallie Grace was exactly what I needed in this unpredictable life, A constant. A constant reminder that no matter how many bills come in the mail, or how many time my husbands car breaks down that this life is short and those things don't make up the whole picture. They are just bumps in this Journey we call life.
The Finish Line
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Have you ever gone through something and not known you were actually going through 'something' until you've come out of it? Well that happened to me this morning. It was a peaceful morning I had been looking forward too since the weekend. I knew Wednesday I could sleep in and know I was finished with my college classes. No more studying, getting up at the crack of dawn to try to get my real chores done before I had to make it to class on time, and no more rushing between work, school and trying to spend time with my husband. I knew it would be a glorious morning but little did I know the emotional finish line I would come across as I was having my coffee.
I was sitting down at my table in my favorite room in the house. My little plant hanging from the ceiling and my iPad playing Grey's Anatomy. (Forever my favorite show) I was sipping coffee that I had just brewed and it was like my mind took on slow motion. I felt my eyes scan the room and I realized, I could relax. I didn't have any papers to write or discussions to post. My notebooks were in a neat little pile next to my laptop across the room, they looked so withered and disheveled. A calm feeling spread over me and I could feel the coffee I was drinking slip down my throat so smoothly. It was like I had spidey senses! My mind and body was so used to having a million things to micro-manage and then all of a sudden, it just didn't. I felt a smile spread across my face and I felt such Joy. Then my mind began to reminisce all the things I had done sense January. Get married, move out of my child-hood home, take on five college courses, work 30 hours a week, move again, manage to save enough money to take care of my new baby and get all of her little things in order for when she decides to arrive; all while watching my body change and belly grow. I stood up and felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted. I gazed out the window in the beautiful yard below our apartment and with birds chirping and flowers swaying in the breeze I felt myself walk across an imaginary line of accomplishment. I could finally breathe.
This feeling was unexpected and only by the Grace of God can I look around and see how much he's provided for me in the last months of my life. This Journey wasn't easy, It was filled of emotional nights clinging to the hope that there is a new day coming soon and at the end of this I will look down in to my daughters eyes and tell her it was worth it. That day is coming soon, and I now I can savor the gift of rest that God introduced to me this beautiful morning in May.
I was sitting down at my table in my favorite room in the house. My little plant hanging from the ceiling and my iPad playing Grey's Anatomy. (Forever my favorite show) I was sipping coffee that I had just brewed and it was like my mind took on slow motion. I felt my eyes scan the room and I realized, I could relax. I didn't have any papers to write or discussions to post. My notebooks were in a neat little pile next to my laptop across the room, they looked so withered and disheveled. A calm feeling spread over me and I could feel the coffee I was drinking slip down my throat so smoothly. It was like I had spidey senses! My mind and body was so used to having a million things to micro-manage and then all of a sudden, it just didn't. I felt a smile spread across my face and I felt such Joy. Then my mind began to reminisce all the things I had done sense January. Get married, move out of my child-hood home, take on five college courses, work 30 hours a week, move again, manage to save enough money to take care of my new baby and get all of her little things in order for when she decides to arrive; all while watching my body change and belly grow. I stood up and felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted. I gazed out the window in the beautiful yard below our apartment and with birds chirping and flowers swaying in the breeze I felt myself walk across an imaginary line of accomplishment. I could finally breathe.
This feeling was unexpected and only by the Grace of God can I look around and see how much he's provided for me in the last months of my life. This Journey wasn't easy, It was filled of emotional nights clinging to the hope that there is a new day coming soon and at the end of this I will look down in to my daughters eyes and tell her it was worth it. That day is coming soon, and I now I can savor the gift of rest that God introduced to me this beautiful morning in May.
What's in a name?
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Can I just say, naming a person is not an easy task!? Sure, you find out your pregnant, life moves on and the reality sets in that this bump below you is not just a cute thing to take pictures of and post on Instagram, that bump houses a sweet baby that has a future, just like yours and mine. And with a future comes a daunting fact that we have the responsibility of naming this little growing person. What will people call her? What will her teachers and her grandparents say when they want her to look up at them? When I started to think about all of the things that went in to a name, I started to panic a little. I tend to over think things and because I want everything to be perfect for this little one, we put a lot of time and thought in to this name. So brace yourself my friends, because these are the reasons our daughter will be, Hallie Grace. :)
Let me start with the moment her name popped in my head. I was on my way home from work, it was a long night at work with not a lot of exciting moments, just another day, another dollar sort of thing. I was exhausted and couldn't wait to go to bed. I was rounding the curb on route 12 and I looked up at the sky. It was a really cold, clear night and I remember thinking how pretty it was and I noticed the thousands of stars twinkling above me as I sped home. They looked so sure of themselves like they were meant to be exactly where they were. I noticed what looked like an 'H' in the sky, it wasn't exact and it wasn't gleaming like a sign from heaven or anything but it definitely looked like an H and for whatever reason, the name Hallie popped in my head. Instantly I wanted to ask Jon what he thought of the name. We had been toying with names for months and we couldn't agree on anything. Nothing really grabbed our attention and put a smile on our face, so we just kept searching. Internet sites, movie credits...ect. I was hoping that something like this would happen, that a name would magically appear in my head and by some strange turn of fait, this name was exactly the name that put a smile on Jon's face when I bounded through the door and screamed the name Hallie at him while he was sitting half-asleep on the couch watching t.v.
Grace was a decision we made prior to my star gazing. As many of you know that follow my blog, this little baby wasn't planned for us. It happened, we coped, and we've moved on. But only by the grace of our God. The word grace took on a new meaning for me when I found out this baby was happening. I was so hard on myself in the beginning and really put myself in such a negative place. I wince when I think back to the feelings I let consume me. Grace was the only thing that pulled me out of this hole and really helped me move on with my life. The concept of Grace to me is just the most beautiful promise that this life has to offer. We all make mistakes and we all have daily struggles, that's inevitable. But by God's grace we don't have to harp on those mistakes and struggles. We can look forward to the bright future he's given us and grow within ourselves to learn from life and become the beautiful souls God created us to be. But wait, there is even more to this four letter word. It's not just a promise, its forgiveness. It's taught me to forgive. I want to teach Hallie that her middle name is not just something that sounded good with her first. It is a reminder that we are all human, it's a guarantee that this life isn't easy but if you have a forgiving heart you will live a much lighter, brighter, world. Never get hung up on anything, push forward and live your life to God's potential for you.
So with that, I present what's in her name and what it means to us. I only have 10 more weeks to go until she arrives and the sooner we get to meeting her the more we prepare ourselves to love her like God loves us. Unconditionally. <3
Let me start with the moment her name popped in my head. I was on my way home from work, it was a long night at work with not a lot of exciting moments, just another day, another dollar sort of thing. I was exhausted and couldn't wait to go to bed. I was rounding the curb on route 12 and I looked up at the sky. It was a really cold, clear night and I remember thinking how pretty it was and I noticed the thousands of stars twinkling above me as I sped home. They looked so sure of themselves like they were meant to be exactly where they were. I noticed what looked like an 'H' in the sky, it wasn't exact and it wasn't gleaming like a sign from heaven or anything but it definitely looked like an H and for whatever reason, the name Hallie popped in my head. Instantly I wanted to ask Jon what he thought of the name. We had been toying with names for months and we couldn't agree on anything. Nothing really grabbed our attention and put a smile on our face, so we just kept searching. Internet sites, movie credits...ect. I was hoping that something like this would happen, that a name would magically appear in my head and by some strange turn of fait, this name was exactly the name that put a smile on Jon's face when I bounded through the door and screamed the name Hallie at him while he was sitting half-asleep on the couch watching t.v.
Grace was a decision we made prior to my star gazing. As many of you know that follow my blog, this little baby wasn't planned for us. It happened, we coped, and we've moved on. But only by the grace of our God. The word grace took on a new meaning for me when I found out this baby was happening. I was so hard on myself in the beginning and really put myself in such a negative place. I wince when I think back to the feelings I let consume me. Grace was the only thing that pulled me out of this hole and really helped me move on with my life. The concept of Grace to me is just the most beautiful promise that this life has to offer. We all make mistakes and we all have daily struggles, that's inevitable. But by God's grace we don't have to harp on those mistakes and struggles. We can look forward to the bright future he's given us and grow within ourselves to learn from life and become the beautiful souls God created us to be. But wait, there is even more to this four letter word. It's not just a promise, its forgiveness. It's taught me to forgive. I want to teach Hallie that her middle name is not just something that sounded good with her first. It is a reminder that we are all human, it's a guarantee that this life isn't easy but if you have a forgiving heart you will live a much lighter, brighter, world. Never get hung up on anything, push forward and live your life to God's potential for you.
So with that, I present what's in her name and what it means to us. I only have 10 more weeks to go until she arrives and the sooner we get to meeting her the more we prepare ourselves to love her like God loves us. Unconditionally. <3
Embarking on yet another Journey
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
It's been a long time since I've sat down with the keyboard. I really don't have an excuse. I suppose I could throw the usual, I'm a full time student with a job and a lot of laundry but those excuses really never make my offence that believable. So I guess I'll just be real with my readers, it was a mix of writers block and laziness. Now that we got that out of the way I can introduce you to the whirlwind of things going on in my life these days.
Let me just say, being a grown-up is the most terrifying thing I've ever done. Every decision being made weighs my mind down with all the potential consequences. Which I can thank my Dad for that haunting ability. I wake up on a daily basis with a personal chore list and I put so much pressure on myself to savor the day because each and every day I get closer to Hallee Grace being born, I know that my life will change forever. That's something I'm okay with but I would still like to savor these last few months as Mallory the mom to be; not the mom on call :)
As quickly as Jon and I grew together as a newly married couple we discovered our dreams and goals for our family. It happened pretty quickly actually with no prior planning needed. I suppose when you love someone and end up moving in with them it's natural to develop a personal dream for the both of you. We quickly saw where we were living wasn't in the dream. The unreasonably expensive utility bills and one electrical outlet in the living room made for a difficult start to our married life. We decided it was time to tell the land-lord goodbye and start looking for a new place to call home. At first, this scared me. New place, more money not to mention the act of moving. It's stressful to say the least. But as I laid in bed and thought about this new adventure we just decided to embark on, the sparkle came to the surface and I smiled knowing this was just one step to get to our ultimate goal. This would be the place that we brought our new baby home too. This would be the place she would take her first steps and say her first word. My mind sprang in to action. For those of you who know me well, when I set my mind to something, I have a way of bounding to the finish line. It took me 5 hours to find an apartment. I'm not joking. The timeline of events happened quickly and it involved a Facebook post, a long phone-call with a cousin and a trip to her newly renovated upstairs apartment in Baldwinsville. Walking in I knew it was the place for us. The effort she put in to renovating the place was evident. Everything was fresh and ready for a new beginning, and that was exactly what we needed. The price and everything fell in to place and with a exchanged smile between Jon and I it was enough to seal the deal and make an offer.
Now the hard part begins; but as I ferociously write these words down on paper the adventure ahead shines bright with wonder and excitement. It's like I always say, Don't lose the Joy in the Journey. ;)
Let me just say, being a grown-up is the most terrifying thing I've ever done. Every decision being made weighs my mind down with all the potential consequences. Which I can thank my Dad for that haunting ability. I wake up on a daily basis with a personal chore list and I put so much pressure on myself to savor the day because each and every day I get closer to Hallee Grace being born, I know that my life will change forever. That's something I'm okay with but I would still like to savor these last few months as Mallory the mom to be; not the mom on call :)
As quickly as Jon and I grew together as a newly married couple we discovered our dreams and goals for our family. It happened pretty quickly actually with no prior planning needed. I suppose when you love someone and end up moving in with them it's natural to develop a personal dream for the both of you. We quickly saw where we were living wasn't in the dream. The unreasonably expensive utility bills and one electrical outlet in the living room made for a difficult start to our married life. We decided it was time to tell the land-lord goodbye and start looking for a new place to call home. At first, this scared me. New place, more money not to mention the act of moving. It's stressful to say the least. But as I laid in bed and thought about this new adventure we just decided to embark on, the sparkle came to the surface and I smiled knowing this was just one step to get to our ultimate goal. This would be the place that we brought our new baby home too. This would be the place she would take her first steps and say her first word. My mind sprang in to action. For those of you who know me well, when I set my mind to something, I have a way of bounding to the finish line. It took me 5 hours to find an apartment. I'm not joking. The timeline of events happened quickly and it involved a Facebook post, a long phone-call with a cousin and a trip to her newly renovated upstairs apartment in Baldwinsville. Walking in I knew it was the place for us. The effort she put in to renovating the place was evident. Everything was fresh and ready for a new beginning, and that was exactly what we needed. The price and everything fell in to place and with a exchanged smile between Jon and I it was enough to seal the deal and make an offer.
Now the hard part begins; but as I ferociously write these words down on paper the adventure ahead shines bright with wonder and excitement. It's like I always say, Don't lose the Joy in the Journey. ;)
Getting in to the groove
Saturday, January 25, 2014
My mind is veering in a thousand different directions as I start this blog. There is SO much to share. For those of you that follow, It's been a few weeks since I've been able to write down what's going on in my crazy life. This is due to not a lack of time, but a lack of internet. I must say it is a bit pathetic how cave woman I felt as I wandered aimlessly through my days without Facebook, blogging and Instagram. It's become a bit of a lifestyle and not one I am really proud to say.
Jon and I are now moved in to our new apartment. We live in the village, something I'm not accustomed too, so the many sirens and traffic have been an adjustment. I am quickly feeling at home in this cozy 2 bedroom apartment. We live in a giant 200 year old house that has been separated in to 4 different apartments. My favorite part is the giant windows in each of the bedrooms. The amount of light in this apartment is serious. I love sunlight!
Baby is doing good. We are approximately 166 more days from meeting our little creation. It's insane how quickly the days pass and the days turn in to weeks. I am 16 weeks and 3 days today. Only 1.5 weeks from finding out whether our baby is a boy or girl. Part of me wonders how i'll feel when I find out the big news. Laying in that sonogram room is definitely something. With a shaky father next to me holding my hand and a strange but usually polite nurse spreading freezing jelly all over my stomach. I can't help but feel nervous. I have never liked doctors and seeing how I'm pregnant...I get the honor of meeting one once a month.
Well now that life has sort of settled in to a groove, I've found my footing and am starting to enjoy married life. Getting used to living with someone has been...interesting. I've always been a firm believer that waiting to live with your husband is essential. Many people believe that you should live with the person to kind of test them out. I always used to protest that and say there is nothing that he does that will be that big of a deal breaker. I think God has blessed with me to sticking to my guns because my husband has proved to be a pretty easy guy to live with. If you ignore the constant trail he leaves behind him and the dirty socks all over our bedroom...he's a peach! Yeah, there is a little bit of sarcasm there...
In all honesty, it's true that living with someone is a challenge and yeah, I could have tested him out and picked out all of the terrible, awful things he does that drive me nuts but thats not what a relationship or marriage is about. It's about focusing on the things that I love. Like for instance, the fact that he kisses me goodbye even though i'm sleeping before he leaves for work. (or rather when I'm pretending to sleep...) Or the way he sits on the couch when he watches t.v, with his arm resting behind his head and a thousand pillows behind his back. Or maybe the fact we have 6 things of juicy juice in our fridge at all times. Yeah, I could have picked out all those irritating things he does, but I would have missed all the wonderful things that he does, that makes him, him.
This apartment has character and is becoming a cozy home for the start of our new life together. Every morning I wake up and feel more and more at home. I thank God for the strength he gave me through these last few weeks and I know he will provide in the weeks to come. To see where life has taken me is a blessing, and I can't wait to see all the sights as we continue to venture down this road.
Well now that life has sort of settled in to a groove, I've found my footing and am starting to enjoy married life. Getting used to living with someone has been...interesting. I've always been a firm believer that waiting to live with your husband is essential. Many people believe that you should live with the person to kind of test them out. I always used to protest that and say there is nothing that he does that will be that big of a deal breaker. I think God has blessed with me to sticking to my guns because my husband has proved to be a pretty easy guy to live with. If you ignore the constant trail he leaves behind him and the dirty socks all over our bedroom...he's a peach! Yeah, there is a little bit of sarcasm there...
In all honesty, it's true that living with someone is a challenge and yeah, I could have tested him out and picked out all of the terrible, awful things he does that drive me nuts but thats not what a relationship or marriage is about. It's about focusing on the things that I love. Like for instance, the fact that he kisses me goodbye even though i'm sleeping before he leaves for work. (or rather when I'm pretending to sleep...) Or the way he sits on the couch when he watches t.v, with his arm resting behind his head and a thousand pillows behind his back. Or maybe the fact we have 6 things of juicy juice in our fridge at all times. Yeah, I could have picked out all those irritating things he does, but I would have missed all the wonderful things that he does, that makes him, him.
This apartment has character and is becoming a cozy home for the start of our new life together. Every morning I wake up and feel more and more at home. I thank God for the strength he gave me through these last few weeks and I know he will provide in the weeks to come. To see where life has taken me is a blessing, and I can't wait to see all the sights as we continue to venture down this road.
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